Over and Over

It feels like I'm burning out faster than I used to. I'm feeling bored, yet tired and I just need to recharge and restart.

I'm flying through the days too quickly to process everything. I feel like I'm living my present, while simultaneously immersing myself in an aggressive action plan for the future. I worry that neither will be particularly great.

I'm a hamster in a maze.

Christmas 2010

Last year I had a 80 degree Christmas and silently promised to spend this Christmas somewhere cold.

I've made mention of my concerns about Chicago's ignorant weather right now, but I can't lie...I'm sooooooooo excited about visiting the city for the first time, spending my first Christmas with my other half and his hilarious family, and marking a new milestone in my life...my first Christmas away from home.
Yes, I will need a portable space heater and a prayer, but even the cold won't dampen my happiness this Christmas season.

Battle Of One

I do not lose well.

I always think I'm right, even if I say "I may be wrong, but..."

Knowing those two things, I try my damndest to avoid arguments at all costs. The number of fights that I've had are nominal and all in all I try to avoid the whole negative process.

99.9% of the time I'll walk away from an argument. Why? Because I don't argue casually or for fun. We may be laughing on the outside, but I'm not laughing on the inside. I take it personally. The argument will offend. Things will end badly. So I walk away or offer up an "ok" and change topics. It's not ok. Trust me.

But why? Why am I like that?

Because I don't have a middle ground. It's taken me years to realize that the space between fun Dani and firestarter Dani is almost non-existent. I don't know my triggers and quite frankly I don't want to find out.

It's not that I won't fight for things that I'm passionate about, its that once the fight starts it will take over. Some people can learn from their fights. I learn by walking away and revisiting the topic once my emotions have subsided.

ok? ok.

Ramblings

1. My ripped jeans ripped for real. Funny how I paid extra for jeans to be ripped "just right" only to have them rip in a really wrong way.

2. I finally found someone to straighten my hair. The work response, as usual, almost made me question what I looked like before. The best response thus far was my co-worker stopping her sentence to gasp, clap, and squeal. I kid you not. Girl, bye!

3. My siblings are flying up for a joint birthday weekend. I.CANNOT.WAIT!

4. My morning oatmeal routine is leaving me hungry a hour later. :(

5. For the second time, I'm without expendable income during one of my company's sample sales. GRRRRRR!

6. I need to treat myself to laziness. The kind of laying in bed, not showering, not moving, for 48 hours sort of laziness.

7. I love the Sing off. The talent on that show is amazing.

8. I've decided to spend as many winter weekends as possible in DC. I just need to balance out the foolish fall travelling schedule LC maintained.

9. LC's mom spoon-fed me her Christmas request. I wish my own mother would get on board!

10. Speaking of mom. She wants to visit Vegas and Alaska (separately). While both trips sound amazing I don't think any of the siblings will be able to pull it off over the next 6 months. We have to find her a significant other post haste!

Who Me?

He said, "In my opinion, you were the only thing holding you back."

I wanted to disagree. There were so many intanigbles that got in the way! There were other factors! It was not just my fault!

I couldn't defend my case, short of saying,"I wasn't ready to move to the next step."

No one talks about the importance of being still. You learn to want success. You learn to dislike failure. Outside of the pulpit, who teaches you to be still?

Am I making another excuse?

My life changed quickly this year and I was able to change with it. Things that seemed insurmountable were easily conquered. Fears, laziness, and apprehension were quieted and I was able to step out and really embrace my challenges. I can't beat myself up over how long it took to change the course of my life, because quite frankly had anything happened at a different point in my life I doubt that I would've had the same outcome.

To you, it seemed like I delayed my success. To me, it seemed like I was preparing for it.

Less of That and More of This

Fresh from another wedding my brain is whirling. Full disclosure: I don't have engagement news, a timeline, groom, or dress. This is just one 28-year-old's rant about a day that will hopefully be sooner than later, so that she (I) can get to the marriage part of life.

I've never been shy about the distinction in my mind between a wedding and a marriage. While I adore weddings, I know myself enough to know that I'll need to go a different route.

What I know for sure:

-I don't want a long engagement.
-I don't want a bridal party**
-I don't want a first or last dance
- I don't want to jump or fly a broom
-I'm not married to a cake


What I do want:

-I want a small dinner party with really good food
-I'd like to look exceptional
-I'd like an amazing honeymoon, in a region of the world that I haven't seen.
-I'd like to wake up the morning after the wedding and not wish that I had spent less money on everything.

Basically, I'd like an invite that says this.....

"Please join us for dinner as we celebrate our marriage and our new life together."

I'd like to get to some vows in between the appetizers and main course. Then I'd like to sit and laugh with friends and family.

That's it.


**I do still want to take a trip with all of the women that have contributed to the woman I am right now. If we "Go Ho or Go Home" in the process, then so be it :)

Disconnect

Meeting LC's folks was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed them and I think that they enjoyed meeting me. I'm glad… because spending my first Christmas (and midnight Mass) away will be hard, I'm sure, and I was worried that the combination of missing my family and trying to get through an awkward introductory period with his would be difficult.

Crisis averted. Well sort of.

I've been waiting and watching for the bottom fall out.

Or at the very least start to slant? Ripple? Fade?

We both did the family/friends meet and greet with no problems. We’ve conquered two vacations with limited sleep and hours on the road….no problems. We argue sensibly (i'm still confused by that one) and play fair. We want the same things.

Things have been going really well.

Except for the obvious....

He's there and I'm here....And for right now there is nothing that can be done about it.

Hello Ripple.

Timing

1.I’m convinced that I’ll be able to make a decision about my apartment November 2011. My lease is up June 2011.

2.My expenses and income dropped simultaneously, just not proportionally. I’m sure that will level out in a year. I need it to level out in six months.

3.I feel like I’ll have New York out of my system, and be ready for a new city, in about 12-16 months. I just don’t have 12-16 months left to figure out the next step in my relationship and career.

4.The Broadway play I was most excited about seeing in two weeks is ending in one week.

5.I’m ready for a marriage. I’m about two years away from being able to conceptualize/afford a wedding.

6.I’m heading to DC after work and Atlanta in the morning. Based on the way I was scrambling this morning I needed at least 3 more days to get ready.

Meet The Parents

Thanksgiving went incredibly well and LC and my family hit it off. It was so odd to have him there, because I’m so used to my WPB life being separate from my HU life, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Next up, I’ll meet his family…En masse…at a wedding.

Let the apprehension begin!

Thankful

I woke up this morning thankful and humbled by my blessings. Things are far from perfect, but they are better than I could ever hope for.

Ramblings: Monday Edition

1. People run through my office all the time. Why are you breaking out and running to the copy machine? I guess our sports giant parent company would be thrilled about your physical prowess. Me? It just makes me jumpy.

2. I spent the weekend with LC and it was blissful. We picked paint colors, watched Potter, and laughed...hysterically....a lot...and out loud. My empty apartment is definitely starting to lose its appeal.

3. I want a grilled cheese sandwich in the worst way. I wish I could manage to have cheese and bread in my kitchen at the same time.

4. I'm...we're....going to Florida this week. Yes, I've been back 50-11 times since I originally left, but this time feels different AND I'm bringing LC for show-and-tell. Kidding. Kind of.

5. I've decided it's time for a new blog. I'm not sure if it will totally replace this one, or if it will present a different side. However, I need to go in a different direction and I'd like to take most of my readers along for the ride. I just need a different forum.

More on this later.

6. As usual, I should have taken this week off. I didn't. Now I'm languishing. As usual.

7. Why is Nic.ki Mi.naj's album more expensive than Kan.ye's? Girl Stop! Also, I went to old faithful and downloaded (purchased) my Monday releases for a fraction of the price that i.tu.nes wanted to charge me. Sidenote: I did see Ri.Ri's tnew album in its entirety (mp3 version) for $4.99. I've most definitely spent more more money on my MoKenStef "He's Mine" tape.

Tis All.

Ramblings

1. I'm incredibly happy today...and extremely thankful for that.

2. A woman @ the cable office lobby was struggling to fasten her jeans. She remarked, "aww she doesn't want to play fair today and get in there." Thinking that she was at the point in her pregnancy that required maternity pants and she had missed the memo, I instantly forgave the fact that she was struggling with her button in the middle of the lobby. That was until I realized that she wasn't talking abt a fetus in her womb, but the puppy that her husband was trying to push into a bag. Madam....(sigh).

3. LC out-complimented me today. True story, I once went back and forth with a Starbucks drive thru guy who was trying to out-nice me. It was like revenge of the pleasant people. Brew can attest. No one says "have a blessed day" (with heavy emphasis) like me! Now I must dig up some sort of blush-overload compliment to regain my status with LC.

4. Speaking of LC....His first name doesn't start with "L" I know! I'm sorry for the confusion geesh! I promise L-C are part of his initials....I promise.

5. Last year, I wanted nothing more than to have to come home to visit for the holidays. This year, I fly in Wednesday. Nothing but God. I'm so excited AND this marks my last trip home for at least 4 months (pending an itinerary from Ana).

6. Pink's "Raise your glass"....heavy rotation in the Dani-pod. One day I will hear the song at the moment that there actually is a glass in my hand....it will be GAME OVER.

7. I finally listened to "Like a G6" and loved it. I, however, feel more like a Spirit jet at the moment. I will, however, continue to work towards adapting G6-ness post haste.

8. HP7. Tomorrow.

Best Made Plans

"The best made plans of mice and men often go awry..."

I am without question a planner. While I can still have fun outside of the parameters of my plan, at my core, I like to have my calendar in hand at all times. My family has laughed at me over the past five months, because by the time I made it back to South Florida for my sister's engagement party, my weekends were already blocked three months out.

In September, my aunt said, "We're thinking about visiting in December..." I had to let her know that I didn't have a free weekend in December, but maybe January would be better.

Right now, I do not have another free weekend until the second weekend in January. Part of the reason I'm so calendar disciplined right now, is because LC and I have to schedule the weekends we'll spend together and the city it makes the most sense to be in and then plan the best method of travel etc.

Ninety days.

At any given time I can tell you what my calendar looks like 90 days out.

Well, 2011 is proving to be a bit more monumental, in that, I've got entire months already blocked off and have stumbled on my first scheduling conflifct...eight months out.

February, June, and July are now completely booked. In some places double booked.

I guess it's a good problem to have....at least that's what I'll keep telling myself. Next year will be quite busy. I'm excited.

Exes/Ohs

I can't wait until my relationship gets to a point that ex references are a rarity and not the standard. Unfortunately, right now to not talk about our past relationships would ultimately prove fatal in this one.

For instance, I have a pet peeve about talking to other people when I call you (or you call me). Drives me insane. To explain that pet peeve properly, I'd need to go back to 1997 when my then boyfriend prompted 45 of his nearest and dearest friends to call me on his behalf (some from his phone) and beg me to accept his apology (for what? I can't remember). It was embarrassing, but sweet in a high-school sort of way, the first time he did it. However, because it worked once he tried to use that same method again later in our relationship.

It wasn't that sweet.

Since then, short of a parent wanting to chat, I've had a firm rule about not hearing anyone else's voice if your number is on the caller ID.

That story....like many others has to be told with some reference to my ex.

It's great when you hear an ex story and it gives you the opportunity to note what not to do, without making the mistake yourself. It's when you get a great ex story...a memory...that gets hard to swallow.

I want to know those things and often times I'm the one that asks for as much information as possible, but I can't lie it's not always easy to stomach what I'm hearing. Especially, if there is no chance of replacing that memory.

LC very sweetly tries to balance a good memory reference with a terrible one. IE. "she would whisper sweet things to me that I enjoyed hearing, but her breath smelled like hot dog water."

Thank you for that one. I appreciate it.

Right now, despite having a skillion year friendship, so much of our relationship is new and the ex talk has to happen, but OHHHHH I won't miss that part of our chats as we get further down the line.

This Time

I miss you…

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you're not with me

I realized I made a mistake

It took a certain willingness to part with certainty and delve into seeming insanity to get to this part of my life. I suppose by definition that could be most akin to faith.

My biggest character flaw is complacency. I seek it out and once I find it I snuggle in it until the spirited parts of my personality are beyond recognition. I used my downtime today to reflect on the changes that are happening in my life. In that reflection, I realized that I'm not struggling to hold on to what I’ve been working to achieve. I’m struggling to move past the achievement.

I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste

I need to be hungry, but fed at the same time. I don’t know how to keep the hunger at the intensity that it used to be, without going with-out.

I know, however, that without the prosperity I experienced over the last five months I would have imploded.

My hunger is fed by the promise of a feast. To go without a taste of food, prosperity, achievement, or success diminishes my hunger greatly. I won’t want what I can’t envision for myrself.

It's so crystal clear now
that I need you here now

I’ve got some really important decisions to make.

When I think about January 15th - March 15th vs. June 15th - September 15th I’m humbled. Truly.

It takes a lot to realize that wanting something isn’t enough. It takes even more to realize that you just weren’t ready for the next step.

Something inside of me stepped out of my own shadow and walked in faith. That walk led me to my first set of blessings, but threw me for a loop at the same time.


I was prepared for professional success and got handed personal success.

Now, everything that I thought would be crystal clear in my work life isn’t so clear.

What I thought would be a new beginning in a new book, ended up being a new chapter in a book that I never put down.

So I’m once again humbled by the realization that I’m not where I thought I’d be, but not where I once was.

I gotta get you back today….
This time I want it all

It’s time to get back to work. It’s time to get back to the woman who walked this far. I feel the complacency coming, but I’ve got to keep moving. I’ve gotta get her back. Today.

Bittersweet

Last night I got "lost-ish" and ended up finding.....

Central Park's reservoir is just amazing....underneath a partial moon and surrounded by a lit path and fall-kissed trees it was the perfect way to spend a Sunday evening. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who felt that way. The park was filled with hand-in-hand couples, families, and friends enjoying the mild temperatures and beautiful views.

Every moment that I enjoyed, though, acutely reminded me of the downside to a long-distance relationship. No matter how well you plan your time together, there isn't a quick fix for the times you can't be together.

I fall in love with this city more and more every day, but something's gotta give.

Murky

I just want to blog about him, about us, about where this is going. I just want to write about the fears that come up when you put everything on the table and just go with flow of things. I just want to talk about the plan we have in place to make distance a non-issue. I just want to talk about the sacrifice that plan will take and how we both silently worry about it, but not enough to stop going.

My posting pattern has been random at best. It’s not because I have a lack of things in my mind. I just don’t have enough conclusions to keep the babbling at bay.

What else is going on in my life?

Not enough to blog about.

Ramblings

1. This is a cop-out post because I can’t get my real one together.
2. I loathe people who have situationally inappropriate laughter volume levels. Why can I hear your guffaw across the quiet office? How do you not notice that you’re inside using your outside voice?
3. LC sent me an article about what to wear in Chicago winters. I think he found it partly informative and partly amusing. I found it wholly unnerving. What am I going to wear?
4. I bought myself boots today. I feel horrible about the purchase. I miss the days when frivolous purchases were enjoyable.
5. I had grand plans to work extra hours over the weekend/throughout the week to avoid having to take two outright leave days at the end of this week. I realized today that I just don’t have the energy to do it.
6. I’m seriously thinking about taking a solo vacation next Spring. My hesitation? I’ve met myself I don’t know if I’m interesting enough to be my sole source of entertainment.
7. Today’s shoes are uncomfortable. Did it occur to me to change them? No. I just took an ibuprofen.
8. This morning the wind woke me up. No seriously, it basically knocked on my 10th floor window and said “I’m waiting for you.” I totally missed the fact that NYC had a tendency to be so windy.
9. I need a pedicure. I looked down at my feet yesterday, put on sneakers, walked to Target and bought socks.

Ramblings

1. I don’t like Halloween. LC has titled me the Halloween Grinch and I will take that title and run with it. I don’t like masks, most candy, and the dark. In short, it’s not a holiday for me.

2. Once again, I’m stuck in a quandary. Order the remaining pieces of living room furniture or make my winter boot & handbag purchase? Honestly, I’m equally fanatical about both options.

3. Speaking of LC, mid conversation, about the difference a good pre-school can make in a child’s discipline level, he asked why I never took the Praxis. Once again, I don’t have an answer. I see now that I’ll never escape this question. January goal: Look into and take the Praxis.

4. I’m on the hunt for part-time writing/editing gigs. Suggestions?

5. I worked a lot in my past life so that I could afford the things that brought me instant gratification. It made it easier to deal with the stresses and general lack of satisfaction going on in my life in general. Now that I’ve pared down my jobs, I’m more sane and generally happier, except that I’m finding it is incredibly frustrating to not be able to buy the things that I want when I want them. I thought that once life got more fulfilling my want of frivolities would diminish. Played myself on that one.

6. Why have I failed to lock-down a church? What happened to gracing every single meal? I’m at a 85% grace rate. I’ve so got to do better.

7. Yesterday, I hit the five-month mark of my move. I cannot believe it’s been five months already. I cannot believe I’m still working on furniture. Geesh!

8. Brew’s Birthday is coming up quickly. Hostess Dani is not ready at all. No seriously….not ready.

9. When I went home for Ash’s wedding Maureen had managed to have a new dining room set, refrigerator, kitchen window, master bedroom set, curtains & linens throughout the house AND had Aaron repaint the exterior of the house. Why? Because some of our extended family may have wanted to stop by to visit. Did they? No.

10. This leads me to my last issue….Thanksgiving. Ok…my past b/f roster all consisted of local Palm Beach-ers. So I’ve never had the experience of bringing someone home to meet the family. I used to arrange chance meetings at church functions etc. and ease my significant others into the picture. So this time around the meet-and-greet is a bigger deal.

I am an easer if you will. Baptism by fire has never been my default, ever.

So earlier this year when Mom started renovating, chucked her old bedroom set, and moved into my old room. I joyously realized that there was no extra space at my house. We decided to stay at my sister’s place in Hollywood (35-45 minutes south of mom-It’s her Thanksgiving with Steve’s family and the place would be empty).

Mom seemed to think that being so far away for such a short trip (Wed-Friday evening) was egregious. After listening to her protests, we decided to book a hotel room 5 minutes away from the house. Well, now that Susie homemaker has pulled a Niecy Nash and “Clean Sweep”-ed the house, she wants to know why we aren’t staying there.

I don’t have a good answer….Man I wish I had a good answer.


P.S. I don't think I've ever properly thanked Jameil for the Ramblings inspiration. It is so cathartic. Thank you!

Go Away!

Dear Cold,

I'm giving you one more day of my life. As of Wednesday, you're going to have to find someone else to annoy.

Thanks,

Mgmt

P.S. Please send me back my sense of smell...and taste for that matter.

Juggle

9 to 5 is not for me.

Catching up on sleep is fantastic, but I'm struggling to keep myself fulfilled. I like the skittish, always on the move lifestyle. Yes, I'm a bit crazy like that. So, I'm on the hunt for something more work-wise that will keep me much busier.

Mom called it. She said that I'm only happy when I have all irons in the fire and a pot about to boil over on the stove.

No worries, I won't get back on my 3-job grind. Maybe just 2....or 1.5 :) Actually, I'm working on a few additional projects to see if I can flesh out my work duties a bit more. If that doesn't work then 1.5/2 job Dani will be back in full effect.

Now to break the news to LC....(sigh) wish me luck!

Have a great weekend :)

Rare Form

Today I'm in rare form. I'm working with the level of giddiness usually reserved for trips and holidays. LC is coming to town tonight and for some reason I'm just incredibly excited to see him(more than usual).

We've got nothing special on the agenda, except getting through another Potter movie (11/19 is around the corner).

I won't question why I'm this giddy...I guess I'll get worried when the giddiness stops.

Ramblings: Sometimes

1. Sometimes a whole sentence is necessary. Maybe even two. If we are talking about incarceration, health issues, engagement, marriage, divorce (basically anything life changing), then I need you to use an entire sentence. Conversely, if I don't know the backstory or any of the characters in your rant, lean hard on the shoulders of brevity. Please and thank you.

2. Sometimes other people can say exactly what you need to say, much better than you can. Today's quote is from Jameil: "I'm in the midst of a situation requiring tact and I really don't feel like having tact... at all." Thanks Jam!

3. Sometimes the writing is on the wall. Ana is engaged! Now, if we had a "Go Ho or Go Home" weekend for her birthday. The bachelorette party......(sigh).

4. Sometimes it's best to put differences aside. I reached out to an ex that I hadn't spoken to in four years and sent him a picture of Ash at the wedding. He wasn't on the invite list, for obvious reasons, but he's loved her unconditionally for the last 14 years and I knew it would mean the world to him to see her.

5. Sometimes you want what you had and what you have. Spending the weekend on the beach reminded me of everything that I've loved about South Florida. Throwing on heels, my fave scarf, and a sweater to fly back reminded me of everything that I love about New York.

Breathe Again

My sister's wedding was absolutely exceptional. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. She and Steve are heading off to their honeymoon now and I'm back at work trying to remember what life pre-wedding was like.

I'll have more pics up when I get them, but so far this is my favorite shot.....

I'm the happiest sister in the world.

Cabin Fever

I zoned out this weekend.

I didn't sleep much, but I also didn't accomplish anything.

Well....I did finally make it to the gym on Saturday.

But Sunday, I ate horribly and quite frankly contributed nothing to society.

I hate when that happens.

It's like my brain is turning to mush...one day at a time.

I'm so genuinely glad to see Monday.

Let It Go

I struggle with pride. I try really hard to be more, just so that I minimize how many times I have to ask for anything. The news industry is a perfect career for the prideful. You're rarely in the dark about anything. Instead, you become a source of information and people just assume that you know.

I've gotten through my life mostly on assumptions and pride-driven motivation. But I want to be better, more substantive and get out of my own way.

Last weekend, LC found out that his cousins would be in town and made an unplanned trip up to meet them and spend time with me. We usually map out which weekends we'll spend where and so because this was to be a "weekend apart" I had budgeted out my money for bills and groceries. My original plan for the weekend involved walking Central Park, lying in bed watching movies, and basically doing everything/anything free and fun.

When I found out that plans had changed I was stuck. The new plans involved dinner, bar hopping, etc. and for me to pass on everything or even do a drive-by "nice to meet you" was out of the question. I finally broke down and told him: "I can't afford those plans" to which he replied: "I've got you."

Great. Should have been the end of the story.

Here's the thing....I was miserable. The entire time. I couldn't let go. I couldn't enjoy it, be engaging and have a good time. Every bar, every order, every activity was a reminder that I was on someone else's dime and I couldn't deal.

Someone somewhere is reading this and calling me crazy. I'll own that. This isn't your post.

I am my mom's oldest child. Both of my parents are the eldest children in their family. My grandparents on both sides are the oldest children in their family. Having to ask for help is not something that I'm hard-wired to do. The expectation that I was raised with is to be strong enough to help everyone else. Even when I'm forced to ask, I spend my time thinking about how best to repay that assistance. Brew laughed at me one day and said: "People don't know that you will add a job to your life quickly to get what you want." He's right. I'll take on 30 extra projects if it means that I don't have to ask for anything. I study things now in life, so that I don't have to ask for clarification.

But I want to be better, more substantive and get out of my own way.

I sat with my parents individually and talked with them about their relationship. Trying to figure out what went awry. My dad said to me that my mother had changed into someone that he didn't recognize and they no longer had the same interests. When I talked to my mom, she said that she no longer knew my father and they weren't on the same page in what they wanted in life. My response to each parent was: "What did they say when you told them that you wanted to re-align your interests?" Their response: 'I shouldn't have to ask those questions.'

As Ana would say, "There it is."

I've got to be better, more substantive and get out of my own way.

Ramblings

1. In June, I was looking forward to September.
In September, I was looking forward to the end of October.
In October, I'm looking forward to February.
I have a sinking feeling that in February I will be wishing for September past.

2. Kanye and Jay-Z are doing an album together? I canNOT wait for that tour.

3. These days I feel like I fell from the fabulous tree, hit every single branch on my way down, only to miss mediocrity and land on shameful. Shopping.Must.Happen(one day).

4. The wedding is next week. The wedding is next week. The wedding is next week.

5. I finally mentioned to my mom that my Thanksgiving trip home will be for less than 72 hours. I'll definitely have to make that up to her (and my family).

6. My office is buzzing with activity. I've got nothing to do. When I'm swamped, everyone is sitting on top of the desks watching the shows from last night.

7. Six pay periods until Christmas.....oooooo 2010.......(sigh).

8. I've made space in my budget and I'm finally joining a gym this weekend.

9. I met some of LC's family over the weekend. They didn't leave hating me. Mission Accomplished.

10. Watched church online yesterday. Clint Brown asked the congregation: "Raise your hand if you can identify what you're struggling with in your life right now." He surveyed the ceongrgation and said: "The devil messed up when he allowed you to name your struggle." ( I wasn't sure where he was going with this).

Clint's gem: Philippians 2:9 (New International Version)

9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name.

Whatever struggle you can possibly name will always fall short of he who is named above all others. Ha!

Nine to Five

Scene: Its 11pm Saturday night in the middle of SoHo and Dani is standing outside of a bar chatting on the phone.

I am connected. Deeply. BBM, Twitter, SMS, MMS, smoke signal et. al. My fingers tend to heat up as the day progresses and I've had some of my best text/convos somewhere after 11pm. If you were to call my mom's house at midnight it would be significantly livelier than if you called at noon. We tend to be up late and running our mouths(or fingers in my case).

I come from a long line of odd hour people. My mom deals with death (she works for Hospice) and so she leaves when her patients have been admitted and/or their home healthcare has been fully arranged. She has definitely made it home after midnight on many occasions. Being a career nurse, she's always left the late night hours for shopping trips, gift wrapping, cooking, baking etc.

My aunt never answers my emails before 11:30pm....EVER.

Grandma Hazel's house after 10pm....you are liable to "buck up on" a domino game any day of the week.

Back to the Scene: Its 11pm Saturday night in the middle of SoHo and Dani is standing outside of a bar chatting on the phone. LC walks out of the bar with a face that can only be described as perplexed...

For the first time in.....ever....I'm working a standard 9-5 job and dating someone who is doing the same. My last four years, I worked in the news industry and my hours were crazy. My last two relationships were with music industry guys who more often than not were heading out of the house at 11pm. Texting during dinner? Not unusual. Always having a phone handy? Sure.

The line of appropriate/courteous phone convo/text hours has never existed in my world however, it was pretty bold in LC's world.

It's not as though he was accusatory or even really upset it just wasn't a practice that he's familiar with. I'll meet him in the middle and not text/chat during our one-on-one time and he's going to try to get used to my later night conversations with mom(who hadn't made it home yet-LOL).

Eeyore

I was unable to enjoy my monsoon morning due to a trifecta of morning misfortunes.

It's rainy but not cool, which yields that "I'm suffocating-in-my-skin/buried-alive/sweat-beneath-my-rain-gear" thing that I hate so much. In Florida, I never wore a raincoat for that reason. With it usually being hot and humid I was always willing to just try my luck with an umbrella and a run to the nearest car.

I'm lying....I don't run....quick walk if you will.

The 1, 2, 3 train wasn't running because there was water on the tracks.

Let me pause here for a second...how in the hell don't you have a workaround for that? Doesn't it snow here? I'm assuming it didn't start raining once I moved...I mean....that's like lights not working in florida because the sun is out. Do better!

So with my usual trains not running, this morning's commute consisted of a brisk walk across a bridge, over a river, and down the way to catch the 5 train in to the city. When the train arrived the doors opened and everyone exhaled....it was that full....i'm not kidding. So when they inhaled in anticipation of the doors closing I just squished in. Thankfully when the trains are that full you don't need to hold on to anything because you can't move anyway. My joy was short lived because of issue #1...Sweating under my raingear....now compounded with issue #2 a disruption to my morning schedule. I was sandwiched in and I'm pretty sure I got to at least 2nd base with one of the guys on the train just by proxy.

Issue 3....I've managed to lose my metro card. Not the one with the $5 balance that I use in a pinch....nope....the one monthly one....the monthly one that I just paid $89 for ON MONDAY.

Rain makes me happy (as you can probably tell by my background). I get very few grey-black, stormy, nasty, blanket & tea-worthy days. I finally get one...on a Friday no less and I'm too annoyed to enjoy it.

I hope yours is better.

Mommy & Me

I feel like I'm at the stage in my life when I need work on my relationshp with my mother. Not that we are estranged, but she has skillfully guided me in every aspect of my life, except my relationships.

She's definitely given me her thoughts about spending too much time (read: too many nights) at a significant other's house, or if she thought my guy-of-the-month wasn't focused enough she'd let me know, but I need her help and some wisdom.

Truth be told, its the fact that she's struggled in her relationship with my father AND the fact that she didn't get to establish herself as an individual before getting married that lays the framework for the type of candor and sounding board that I need right now.

We just struggle with those conversations. We are so similar that we hear, but we don't listen. We are so busy with our own conclusions that we've missed the real problem. We frustrate easily. I could go on for days.

I think this is worth my efforts though. I have some critical decisions to make and her voice is the one that I'm missing the most.

Ramblings

1. Why do sales only happen when I don’t have extra funds? Ugh! I missed a sample sale grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

2. I’ve been watching Carmelo Anthony and La La’s wedding show and I’m left scratching my head.
a. What is La La’s current source of income?
b. How was she able to get her whole family on point with her VJ money?
c. She asked her cousin to move to LA to help in during the final weeks leading up to the wedding. Her cousin came without batting an eyelash. What does she do?

3. I’ve almost forgotten what grass between my toes feels like. Maybe I should rethink my yardless fantasies.

4. I need new dancehall, reggae, soca music in my life. Seriously, I’m painfully out of the loop. Can someone please send me a link to one of those 86 track mixtapes?

5. In the last month, I’ve been to the grocery store at least 4 times for some sort of vegetable/lean meat purpose. Yesterday, I went to pick up some odds and ends along with fruit loops and I ran into blogger Dani, who reminded me that smaller waistlines don’t happen via sugary cereal. What are the odds????

6. I have no idea what I did yesterday from 2pm-6pm. I was at my desk and awake, but I accomplished nothing.

7. I’ve decided to embrace LC’s love of the Chicago Bears. My reasons: I like the color combination against my skin and I’m rather pleased that a Suncoast alum is on the team. Feel free to judge I don’t have any apologies.

8. This week’s Ash/Dani excerpt (Carib edition):

Dani: Are “wait in vain”, “love and affection” and “she’s royal” on your reception playlist? I just need to know how much stretching I need to do and whther or not to leave my footbottom slightly rough for optimal slow wind footing.”

Ash: RETARD

Dani: I’m just checking!

Ash: You are not of the lord

Dani: Why would you say such a thing?

Ash: LOL

Dani: I just need to know if I should be prepared to compete with one of those one finger up, high-knee trini hops that you do across the floor when DJ such-and-such pulls up your tune

Ash: I am training someone right now. What is wrong with you?????? He now thinks I have a nervous giggle

Dani: The questions just washed over me

Ash: I am church giggling at my cubicle

Dani: My job here is done

8. I pride myself in either not carrying a purse at all or mirroring Mary Poppins and pulling something amazing out of my bag when needed. Today’s trick? I went from a tunic, skinnies, and flats at work…. to a blazer over the tunic which was cinched with a wide belt, all of which was paired with ankle booties…gloss and face powder…In the elevator….Between the 6th and 1st Floor. Score!

9. Today’s truth: I sewed my navy skinnies with green thread. My mom would be so disappointed.

10. I’ve been back home every month, since I’ve moved. However, I do most of my traveling on Sundays. Right now, short of maybe Easter 2011 I don’t know when I’ll get back to my FL church to say “hi.” I’ve got to figure something out.

Klutz

I really don’t know how I’ve managed to make it 28 years without really hurting myself. For those of you who have been privileged enough to miss out on this revelation, I…D Marie….am incredibly klutzy. Not in a “never-been-kissed” sort of way (thank GOD) but more so in a there’s a 1-in-3 chance that what is on my fork will never hit my mouth, plate or the table….but will instead end up on the floor, in the bed, in my bra or in my purse…sort of way.

Yesterday, I managed to turn my coke bottle into a weapon and sprayed coke all over my body and cubicle. Last week, I stepped off the curb and almost wiped out. So much so that a perfect stranger stopped, took her headphones out of her ears, eyeballed the hospital doors that were 10 feet away and asked me if I needed help getting there. She was serious.

LC and I picked out a dining table over the weekend for his place and I am infinitely glad to have the backing of a table and chairs to slow down the Dani-sheets-melee (so far? I’ve spilled red wine, oj, champagne, coke, and a bit of every meal that we’ve ever consumed in the last three months.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me….I have a dwindling amount of balance, coordination, and focus that I wrap up in a pretty box and decorate with neatly coordinated bow. I’ve got to figure out how to do better. Post Haste!

I woke up this morning, made coffee and sat in my sparsely decorated living room and felt like the richest girl in the world.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. This morning, I'm just thinking about right now.

I'm glad to be in this place, at this moment, in this time.

It's not perfect, but it's all mine.

Technicolor

For some reason when I'm at LC's place I dream in technicolor. Hell, I think I dream in Imax. Either way, my dreams have plots, characters, suspense, a hidden ending after the credits and a score.....the whole deal.

I wake up rested, but two hours later I'm exhausted. I'm not sure why this only happens at his house, but I wish it would stop.

I just want the type of sleep that is so good to me that I forget to dream. Yea....that would be great right now.

Happy Birthday

Dear God,

Thank you for blessing me with a new day and the completion of another year. Thank you for showing me that what you can do is bigger than what I can dream. Thank you for the closing windows and opening doors. Thank you for my continued struggles. While I don't like them, I realize that they bring me closer to you and your work.

Forgive my missteps and allow me to be the blessing to those around me (in body and spirit) that they are to me. Thank you for my angels.

Amen

Look Back, Look Forward

I decided to see what I had to say a year ago today.....

My how things change. Since last birthday I'm down to one job, have a new beau, and am living in a new city. I guess it's time to really think about what I want to accomplish @ 28.

Mind: Take (and finish) a class....any class....but start fresh and learn something new.
Body: Less of it...'nuf said.
Soul: Commit to prayer/blessings journal EVERY DAY. Start a vision board.
Work: Start learning more in my current position, or finding one that keeps me on my toes.
Love: Stop waiting for the "bottom to fall out."
Travel: JAMAICA, Toronto, Seattle, Vancouver & at least one trip with my brother & sister
Adventure: At least one theme park, white-water rafting(it's been too long)

Different Light

My stint as my sister's Maid of Honor is dwindling. At the time of this post, the wedding will be about 25 days away. Last weekend was her shower/bachelorette party which was an absolute blast.

I experienced deja vu of sorts watching Ash and the ladies interact at her shower, watching her interact with her hubs-to-be, and seeing how their lives are unfolding in the days leading up to the wedding. The events I saw this weekend are almost a mirror image of what I saw a year ago as Podmate Davis prepared to become Podmate Davis-Smith.

It's an amazing thing to see the transition and the growth from dating life/reality to married life/reality.

Transient

I wish I could feel settled. Since May 23, 2000 I have always felt like I'm on borrowed time in one location or another. I moved for undergrad, but knew that without fail every summer I would have to pack up my wares, put them in storage, go back to South Florida for three months, return to DC, unpack and do it all over again.

After graduation in 2004, I didn't have a plan (read: job) so I moved back home for what was supposed to be six months. It ended up being six years. You would think in that time I would've felt settled. Truth be told. I never unpacked. Most of my undergrad boxes remained packed and in storage until May 2010 when I moved to New York. The entire time that I was back in South Florida I felt/hoped/wished/prayed that I was only there temporarily.

My last 4+ months here have been a whirlwind of trips between FL, DC, and NY. I love to travel and it's the type of crazy that makes me smile. However, flying from South Florida back to New York yesterday felt bittersweet. I was excited to get to my bed and my familiar (yet new world), but there was still an undercurrent feeling of impermanence. Yes, I haven't been here long, but I guess what I'm getting at is I'm not sure if this move will be long-term(ie. more than a year).

I guess I have to see what the next year brings and what my next step will be, but I'm realizing more and more that I need to figure out my base. As podmate would say, I need to put down roots.

Ideally, I want a job and a life that involves travel and variety, but in order to do that and maintain a semblance of sanity I have to also have a constant. I'm ready to unpack.

Whew!

Hotel Room: Trashed
Press: Ruined
Eyes: Bloodshot
Bride: unconscious but fully dressed
Other Maids: in the hot tub
MOH: on the other side

I can breathe a sigh of relief....this weekend went well and I just need to get my sis down the aisle and say something touching @ the reception and I'm done.

In the interim......I can finally get really excited about my birthday on Thursday. It feels great to be on the other side of the stress.

Whew!

The Chairs

My budgeting abilities have always existed on a "worst case scenario" basis. My financial planning in years past has consisted of the question: "how many jobs do I need to have to maintain this lifestyle?"

I don't live extravagantly. I just don't save. Anything. Ever. My savings account is more like a short-term repository for my trite direct deposit amounts that will eventually be spent. Yea... that's a hard reality to see in print, but the point is to be honest.

I'm not dodging any repo men, I'm just acutely aware that is for any reason I couldn't work tomorrow things would be bad...quickly. I need to create more security for myself.

Part of what I've been working on this year and will continue to work on is consistency. I can plan and budget when things get tight. But, I need to work on doing it always. Making discipline the norm and not the exception will help me in the long run.

At the point at which I'm sitting down with my soon-to-be-spouse and talking about what we're both bringing to the table, I'd like to at the very least be able to contribute to the chairs and not heartburn.

Ramblings

1. My suitcase is starting to pack itself. Between things pertaining to my sister's wedding and my long distance relationship, I'm a (tired) woman on the move. This week will most definitely prove interesting as I'll be back in my apt Sunday and will be gone again Wednesday night.

2. Speaking of LC, I volunteered his patronage of my neighbor's candy drive. She's ten (ish) and pushing her wares like she belongs in a Clipse video. LC's response to my news: "oh....so THIS is how it begins?"

3. My hair today looks phenomenal. I can only assume it's because I made a hair appointment (sigh).

4. I miss being able to do laundry without having to leave my place. Certain comforts are hard to let go.

5. My bday is exactly 7 days away. I wish I could be more excited, but I am immediately focused on my MOH duties this weekend. Wish me luck!

My Resignation

Dear Management:

Thank you immensely for the opportunities afforded to me over the last three years. I've made great personal and professional strides and am incredibly pleased with my successes.

After careful consideration, I feel that it's best for me to move on and explore some other options. My decision was not made lightly, but I do feel that is in the best interest of all parties involved.

My resignation is effective Sunday, October 17, 2010.

Regards,

Dani
Maid of Honor

Cloud 8.75 and Counting....

I can be a bit out of control. Those who love me sometimes just go with it.....

My sister is the absolute best. Here's an excerpt from this morning's convo.

My BBM away message currently reads: "On Cloud 9"

Ash: How's cloud 9?
Dani: Rather nice they have almonds here
Ash: Is it everything you hoped it would be?
Dani: Oh yea!
Ash: LOL
Dani: It's like that and there are pop chips.
Ash: I want almonds
Ash: Am I not on cloud 9?
Ash: Dammit Steve!
Ash: What cloud is this?!
Dani: I'll throw some almonds in my purse for you
Dani: Maybe you're on cloud 8.75
Dani: The econocloud
Ash: He's so cheap
Dani: LOLOL
Ash: Couldn't even splurge on my cloud
Ash: Bastard
Dani: *DEAD*

Ramblings

1. On the heels of my "I'm Boring" post, I have the type of weekend that requires a quad venti latte just to make it to work Monday morning.

2. Friday night's fashion experience made me realize that I love the business and the emotions of fashion. I also realized that I stop just shy of being willing to spend the money to live in the fashion that I love. I just watch it from afar and ogle. I'm perfectly fine with that.

3. LC made an impromptu visit this weekend and I cannot verbalize how glad I am that he made the trip. He and I both have a pretty intense week at work and then we both have important trips to our respective homes this weekend. It was good to spend some unscripted down time together. I love that man.

4. For the next 33 days I will be in rare form. Trying to figure out how to make everything happen work-wise(I'm two weeks behind on assignments), getting all of my MOH loose ends tied up and more importantly paid for(shower, bachelorrette party, plane ticket for the wedding), and just trying to get to October 17th(the happiest day of my life ie. the day AFTER the wedding) in one piece and only midly frazzled. Oh and somewhere in the midst of the stress storm I need to remember to enjoy my birthday.

5. Ah yes, and just on the other side of the wedding are a few minor end of the year events that might require some budgetary prayer and supplication: Tentative visit from family, Visit from friends in November, Thanksgiving trip home(I have NEVER seen plane tickets that are so inappropriately high), Christmas trip to Chicago.

Update: I've Got A Feeling....

Two things.....after last night's post I saw Anna Wintour....while standing in the meatpacking district outside of Tory Burch.....in NYC.....I'm just overjoyed.

The second thing...LC just walked in the door

:-)

I've Got A Feeling.....

Tonight was a great night! Fashion's Night Out was an amazing experience. Kanye, Andre Leon Talley, DVF, Estelle, Tracee Ellis Ross, and Janelle Monae sightings made it great.....hanging out with the ladies made it better.

But a night this magical should end with LC.....(Sigh)......this is so hard.

Boring

At my core I'm a boring person.

Personality for days? Yes.

Exciting Life? No.

Do I see a problem with it? Not really.

I enjoy taking walks and getting lost. I love going out to eat and having great conversation. Occasionally, I will deviate from my daily grind.

However, most days consist of commuting to and from work, figuring out dinner, chatting with LC and/or watching some TV and then doing it all over again tomorrow.

Am I boring by choice or by circumstance? A little bit of both I think. Either way. The bigger question is why doesn't my routine seem to bother me more? It's like I feel compelled to have a better story to tell, but lack the actual motivation to do so.

Just One

I could take a step forward and leave a trail of blood on the floor, or I could remain in my crane stance trying to maintain my balance against the cold wall.

SH*T!

I had one foot in the shower and could have avoided this by not being so flighty, but it dawned on me that turning the iron on would make my post-shower process go quicker. The thought of a hot iron, quick "bump" of the front of my dress, and an even quicker exit from my apartment motivated me to take the one foot out of the shower and step into the hall.

It wasn't the instant pain of the first step, but more so the anguish of the second step that let me know instantly that I had indeed not only stepped on glass, but now had it lodged in the bottom of my foot. So now back to my quandry. Any step leads to a trail of blood. Too far away from the shower to just get back in it. No sandals in close view. Too far away from a tissue, toilet paper, cotton square, or gauze to even attempt to triage. More importantly I needed to remove this piece of pain immediately.

SH*T! I thought I cleaned up all of the broken glass from yesterday's ode to clumsiness. (Sigh)

It occurred to me in that moment, wow I really live alone. Yes, it should've occurred to me much earlier...maybe around the first obscene rent check. Or possibly the point at which I purchased 75% of the local target store and then had to figure out how to get it over the bridge, down the street, into the building and up to my apartment. Nope it took what would have been a hilarious scene if I wasn't in pain, for me to really process that I d.marie lived alone.

Let's be honest, I know that if anything serious ever happened I have some great people that can come to my aid, but in that moment what I needed more than anything else, was an extra set of hands. And maybe a robe....hmm....and some iodine.

Living alone has so many amazing advantages. Not having to apologize for my own sloppiness (and even occassional filth), always having total control of my television programming(which 99.9% of the time does not include ESPN), existing on a well-balanced diet of fruit loops and red wine(and enjoying both immensely), decorating (or not...in my case) exactly the way I wanted to....I mean the list is absolutely endless. But the downside to living alone is that when you really need someone else there few things are a comparable substitute.

I now need a new bath mat, but since I'm the only one looking at it that will probably happen later than sooner.

Not The Big Toe, The Whole Foot

I'm chatty. The way that you get on Christmas morning. The way that you get the day before a vacation. The way that you get when your favorite restaurant is featuring your favorite dish and the ambiance is amazing and someone else is paying for it. I'm that kind of chatty and I'm feeling that kind of joy.

The thing is it isn't Christmas morning. I don't have a vacation coming up. I can't think of my favorite restaurant and I don't even have an inkling as to what my favorite dish could be at the moment.

There is something different going on in my life. I don't feel like I'm reaching or compensating, but just that I'm dealing in reality and more so the tangible. I think this is primarily linked to what is going on my relationship. I've spent the past 15 years dealing in relationship hypothesis. What would you do if....How would things be if.....What would you want if.....

The intangible questions and whimsical responses are like an airplane blanket. They keep you just warm enough to no longer be cold, but aren't effective enough for you to be flat out warm. You are tepid. Something in between.

The unfortunate/fortunate thing about life's lessons is you have to keep living to get to them, through them, and eventually the point of them.

What I'm experiencing now is cold hard reality. Wow, that seems unromantic/unexciting, but it's actually quite the contrary. Discussions about a future? Having them. With plan and timeline. Discussions about moving? There's an outline in place. Discussions about jobs? Covered.

Insert eye roll if you've been reading this blog as I've been living it, the above paragraph seems/sounds familiar.

But....

The difference?

The difference.....The feeling that you get as you are approaching the first drop on a roller coaster. The feeling that you get when you go on a date with someone that you have secretly been in love with for forever. Your first day at a new job that you actually care about. Writing a check for the down payment on your first home.

Taking a hypothetical thing, a dream, a want, an intangible and placing into the realm of reality..there is a feeling, a gasp, a quickened heart rate, a prayer on your lips, tightness in your throat, 4&5 letter words. There is a proverbial "oh sh*t" moment that happens when you realize that you aren't working with what could happen and you're actually actively establishing a plan/framework for what will happen.

Step Back....

As usual. I'm reading and re-reading my garbled mess with more skepticism than most people are capable of, so yes, certainty isn't in the plan/process, but solely in the occurrence.

Touche...

I'll give you that.

I'll file what's happening in my life right now away as a work-in-progress. But I want you to know. Something's happening and I'm free-falling towards it.

Check It Off

My whirlwind weekend of DC--> Charlotte--> DC was amazing, but I'm exhausted. Charlotte was actually incredibly enjoyable especially considering we did a whole lot of nothing. It was one of those trips where we tried a slew of restaurants and lounged around.

I had an absolute blast! I love the calmness of Charlotte and can't wait to do a return trip.

Also, equally important about the trip was introducing LC to the Smiths as a collective. LC and podmate met some time ago, but introducing her Hubs to LC was definitely a point of apprehension.


Thankfully, that meeting went well and I've checked it off of my "to-do" list.

Why apprehension? Having introduced my last two boyfriends to my nearest and dearest only to have them eventually become exes has proven problematic and frankly quite messy. In both instances my then b/fs got quite close to the guys that are in my life by proxy (my sister's fiancee and my bestie's husband).

Case in point, Sweets was definitely in my sis's bridal party. Then we weren't an "item." Ash's fiancee couldn't get ahold of Sweets. Then he wasn't in the party etc. etc. like I said....messy.

Nevertheless I suppose it's a necessary evil. We'll see how the rest of the meet and greets play out. Next up: the families.

Really?

1. I moved to NYC from S. Fla only to experience one of the hottest, most humid summers on record.

2. Speaking of summer, I moved to NYC from S. Fla only to wake up and see a major storm heading my way. I thought I left hurricane season behind!

3. Speaking of said hurricane, LC and I planned to drive from DC to North Carolina for the holiday weekend. The Smiths are meeting us there from Atlanta....The hurricane is moving from North Carolina and may impact the DMV. (sigh!!!!!!!!!!!)

4. Speaking of the DMV, I have no idea what will happen weather wise over the next 24 hours, but I'm most assuredly leaving the city THIS AFTERNOON and heading to DC. Whether or not the road trip happens, remains to be seen, but Dani is ready for a vacay.

5. Earl I hate you. Tis all.

Hey Sexy!

Heeeeeeey September....
You sexy month you.
I've been waiting for you!!!!!!

22days2go!

Yes and No

My new position is hard to classify. It's a step down when compared to job #1, a lateral move of sorts compared to job #2, and a step up from job #3.

The problem is once you've had some management experience it's hard to go back to anything that isn't a management role. Even if that means something bigger down the line.

Actually, let me clarify. My role isn't clearly defined and the new head of my department comes from a structure that allowed her a flock of assistants.

Now, she has no assistant.

So there are times when she asks me to help her (read: do for her) with assistant-esque tasks and you can imagine the raised eyebrow that I have when I'm looking at her looking me looking at her.

The "problem" that I referred to earlier is finding the line in which I can say "no" to somethings and not prevent her from saying "yes" when it comes time for me to move...up. I do not want to be self-righteous, but I don't want to downplay my capabilities.

Also, I need to make sure that I'm not thinking with my dani-tude.

Starting over is such a learning experience.

Premature

You know when you're with someone and everything feels scarily right?
The point where you start to kind of think past where you are and you start to think about where you could be....with that person?
Then you start formulating hypothetical questions to gauge how this person would fit into your ideals/ideas about forever?
Then you take those answers and feelings, sit back and wait for either the bottom to fall out or something magical to happen?
Yea.....

Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your role) marriage and families got real popular about three years ago. I mean really. TLC, WE, Oxygen all weddings. Everytime I turn around someone is making some sort of announcement and/or there is an invite that screams weddings and/or baby.

Sidebar: I hope getting married and having a kid are still popular activities when I get to that point. Especially the having a kid part. I'll be past pissed if all the cute things for women just dries up and when I'm expecting pregnant women are back to wearing potato sacks, with tired strollers, and no paid maternity leave. Rant over.

I'm happy for everyone that has gotten to the point in their life in which they are engaged, married, trying, with child, and/or holding said child. Truly, this isn't a 'hate' post. It's just gotten increasingly difficult to just date someone and not thinking about the bigger things.

The bigger things have seemingly engulfed everything!

For instance: LC likes to work out and his dedication to the gym has reminded me that I should get off my duff and work out too (his motivation and blogger dani's gentle chiding...Love her for it).

However, yesterday when I thought about why I really wanted to get back in the gym I realized it was less about general vanity and all of a sudden I was thinking things like: wanting to look fab in a wedding dress, wanting to be healthier to stave off pregnancy complications, wanting to have a better chance of losing baby weight blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell happened to wanting to look cute for a party in a few weeks?

Where is my brain (and more importantly) can I get it back?????

Something happened after 25 and I feel like my subconscious is not playing games. Think I'm kidding? I can show you pics of my ideal wedding dress, outline the ceremony I'd like, the amount of people I'm willing to feed at a reception, the length of a honeymoon, the amount of kids I'd like to have, their names, and the general timeframe that I'd like to get them here.

Ring finger? Ashy.

I'm praying for patience, a cold shower, something that will keep me from completely turning my current relationship into a job interview and my already muddled brain into complete mush.

The View

I intentionally failed my eye exam in the third grade because I thought glasses were 'cool'.

Twenty-ish years later I'm sitting at my desk realizing that my already strong prescription may need to get even stronger.

Not cool.

I was a contacts girl ever since my mom signed off on them in high school. Before that I was burdened with some the most hideous frames known to man, which just completed the overly awkward late elementary/middle school years.

Most recently I bought some frames that I adore, but at the end of the day the thought that I'd be in some really serious sh*t if I lost/broke my glasses midday freaks me out.

For those of you that can/do function without your glasses/contacts this post isn't for you. This is for anyone who can't see their face clearly when brushing their teeth. Yep. Thats me.

I've considered LASIK, but have apprehensions (side effects, cost, the fact that it's eye surgery, etc). Until it's time for me to purchase contacts, cleaner, rewetting drops, frames, lenses, glasses cases, contact cases, regular eye drops et. al. and I realize that I've probably paid for LASIK a million times over already.

I need to figure something out asap.

Whoa

I am in the foulest of moods.

I haven't been this bad in ages.

I just need to make it to 4pm Friday.

First 10 Thoughts

1. Wow my alarm is loud, the second one is even louder.

2. Thank God I'm up and I feel a bit better.

3. LC comes today(!!!!!), time for a good morning call.

4. Nyquil has my dreams on a totally different level. Inception was such good movie and I'm glad I have a perfect complex dream sequence reference point. The dream was so inception-esque.

5. Let me check my twitter feed. I should blog these thoughts.

6. Hmmm LC sounds great in the morning.

7. Wow I feel so much better than I did yesterday morning.

8. Two days left of work and then I get to do nothing.

9. I wonder if I should be taking cold medicine or allergy medicine for my head cold.

10. Hmm the sun is looking different these days....is the time change coming up?

After Amen

Ok I'm here.

Job? Check. Apartment? Check. Relationship? Check.

Now what?

Figuring out what to do with a blessing can be as exhausting as the blessing itself. What's next?

Lets see what we're working with....

I'm really excited about LC's visit this weekend.

How and ever.....I'm too sick/tired to do anything in anticipation of his visit.

Moreover, I can honestly say that I'm going to try to redefine "knocked out" for a better part of the 48 hour period.

Two months in and it'll be unvarnished Dani.....

Lets see how this plays out.

Ramblings: Quick and Dirty pt. 2

1. Mom had an amazing time and I'm glad she came to visit.

2. As a result of her visit I'm exhausted, sick, and broke....(it's like a post homecoming feeling).

3. Speaking of homecoming...I love that I'm dating a HU man.

4. Sooo excited about Charlotte...thanks for the suggestions!

5. I keep forgetting about my forthcoming bday. Bring on Sept!!!

Ramblings

1. Mom's coming to town today AND today is my Friday...whoohoo!

2. I had a random direct deposit process to my account this morning. Hmmm....normally I don't question deposits but it's the day before our pay day and it's an off amount.....So confused. **

3. It is cloudy and gloomy and I'm in heaven. The only thing that could ruin this day is sunshine.

4. My cubemate is back after a month in the middle east opening stores. I'm so glad to have him back.

5. I didn't actually clean anything for mom's arrival. I tried to sweep then the AC came on and put my dirt back in it's original place.

6. Labor days plans with LC have been initiated and what did we decide?????? CHARLOTTE! Random I know. But I've wanted to explore that city for awhile and this will be the perfect opportunity. Anyone have any must try restaurant/bar suggestions??

7. While we're talking about LC, we are planning to spend Turkey Day in South Fla. I had to break it to him yesterday that there is a chance that it will hot...as hell...in November. Yea....it's like that.

8. Red Velvet cupcakery in DC = Amazing...Case closed.

9. I miss spending time with my girls....new and old.....Must do better!

10. I've decided to do HU homecoming this year.....it's been way too long!

**Apparently it was a bonus....score!!!!!!!

Simmer

I have dating longevity down pat.

Dating variety?

Not so much.

I'm a serial monogamist and have basically been in some semblance of a relationship consistently for the last 13 years. I don't think this boils down into a right/wrong discussion. I've made dating choices based on what makes me happy.

The downside to not taking a real break in between relationships, is that you are learning/changing/evolving on someone else's time.

Even going back through this blog and looking at posts from a yr and a half ago I cringe at my own openness. Everything has been posted from a genuine place, but in hindsight it was too much, too soon.

So I'm at the starting point again. Having the conversations that I've had before, feeling the way that I've felt before, thinking about forever, navigating through right now, it's familiar place. Let me not discredit my current relationship and call it a mirror image of my past relationships, there are some distinct differences, but the cadences are the same.

I can't make the same mistakes twice. Which, when learning and evolving while in the midst of a relationship, can be hard to avoid.

One lesson learned, pull back a bit. Not with him...but with everyone else. I've professed my undying love via blog and lip service twice and I've discussed my "this is my forever person" twice, intermingled the lives of my friends/family/significant others twice. Does that speak to who I am? A little bit. But having to retract/redirect those statements and feelings is trying, at best.

So I'm trying not to push. Trying to let things happen in their own time. Mixing friends, introducing family, screaming from the rooftop about my happiness, those are quintessential Dani moves. Restraint? Foreign concept.

I'm trying.

Peace

I don't like unfinished business.

The thought that someone that I've cared about or actively care about is upset with me bothers me...I really wish that it didn't. I need to know that regardless of what may have transpired between us the air has at least been cleared. Without that moducum of peace, I'm haunted.

Regardless of what I've moved on to...that feeling of being haunted lingers.

It feels good to clear the air with my ex.

(Chapter closed)

What's Next

I am without a department for the next two days and thusly without direction. It would be a perfect time to work from home and get myself together, but alas I'm here....thinking about being there.

Usually when bored I wander. How and ever it is 1,000 degrees today with 1000% humidity and a chance of sporadic rain.

Also, my foot still in an intense amount of pain.

I usually need both feet to wander(i'm high-maintenance like that).

So today, I'm sitting in the cube, not doing the rudimentary busy work that I need to be doing and thinking about what's next.

Exhale

Somewhere between right now and forever. That's where I'm focused. I'm in a really new relationship, a really new job, a really new city, doing really new things, as the really old Dani.



Life isn't slowing down so that the new and old can meet in the middle. In fact, life is speeding up and away. I blinked and it became August. August????!!??



Why was everything different in March? Absolutely everything in my life was totally different 6 months ago. I have a sinking feeling it will be totally different 6 months from now.



I've been living the same life for years and in a matter of moments I feel like I'm in an avalanche and I can't quite seem to hang on long enough to not get swept away.

Ramblings

1. This is the fourth post that I've started today. I really hope I finish this one.

2. I had an amazing weekend with my other half and while we did a whole lot of nothing, I am absolutely exhausted.

3. Along those same lines, it was weird and great having him in my space. I definitely anticipated some hiccups, but things went well. I am actually surprised. Why? I'm a bit territorial with my space. Hmm...maybe I'm growing a bit.

4. Inception...Amazing.

5. Ikea keeps calling me to deliver and order that I didn't place. Normally I wouldn't turn down someone else's mistake, but in order to accept the delivery I'd need to be in my apt and umm....I cannot take off anymore time. Please make them stop calling.

6. I have cable! Last night I zoned out in front of the tv and couldn't figure out how I had been filling my time for the last 2 months.

7. I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to do for my bday this year. I've been trying to ignore the obvious scheduling nightmare that I'm facing and squeeze in a good time. However, I'm finally ready to accept the fact that this has to be a quiet bday. With Ash's shower/bachelorette party the weekend before my bday and the wedding 3 weeks after. I won't be in a place to do anything short of sleep (ok and eat cake).

8. I went from being in Atlanta at least one weekend a month every month for almost a 6 month run, to having absolutely no Atlanta trips on my docket. I'm actually sad about that, I can't even lie.

9. My boss just resigned....this day is really getting interesting.

Food Wars

No one in my office eats. Ok let me not tell that story. They all eat....just conservatively.

Counting every morsel, every grain. It's bland and let's just not talk about the fact that I don't see much over a size 4 in here. At all. As I glance at them over my Chip.otle.bowl I'm perplexed as to how they have that type of discipline.

More importantly, I wonder how they see me?

To me, they appear childlike. It's almost like having any differentiation in body size/shape from when they were in middle school is completely inappropriate. No....I find it inappropriate to not have any curves anywhere.

I like to think of the female body like a pinball machine. There should be some curves involved. Something....anything.

No back meat? No side meat? You lean on a wall and the small of your back is supported? Your left thigh doesn't know your right thigh? You can go bra-less and belt-less? When you walk your switch doesn't have theme music? You don't own baby powder to keep the heat from wreaking havoc on your touching parts?

Really? Hmmm.....I'm really actually intrigued about how this works from the male perspective. If you like your women petite and waif-like does my side meat gross you out?

Vice versa.... if my aversion to shorts, for fear that I'll start some sort of friction fireball, turns you on does that mean that the waifs make you gag?

Can you lead a fulfilling life eating oats for breakfast, salad for lunch, and fish and sprigs for dinner? Am I the one with the skewed perspective?

Just wondering.

Happy

Today's LC's birthday and he's making his inaugural visit to casa de dani.

So excited!

Pardon me while I do a bit of living and a little less blogging. Have a great end of the week!

Ramblings: When He's Away....

There are very few perks in a long-distance relationship....


With the exception of one....You get what I like to call maintenance passes. There are times when LC has to travel a lot. On top of the distance that we already deal with on a regular basis there are times when he has to venture out to foreign lands (like the West Coast) for a week or two at a time.

I take those times as a maintenance pass.

I don't trim a hedge/mow a lawn. Hell, I might not even lotion. Wardrobe sassiness? But why?

Case in point, we spent three weeks apart recently. In that time my feet and hands looked like Hiroshima. My brow lady forgot who I was. My hair...ok lets not get crazy....my hair was as usual. Makeup? Cracked that bag open only once. In essence, I relived winter in my undergrad years** but in the dead of July.

Let's get one thing straight. I don't do the maintenance because he requests it of me, I do it as a courtesy. I make a concerted effort to be mindful of my appearance because at the end of the day who wants a "foot-dragger"?

However, when he's away.....

I do nothing :)

**Winters in DC usually required an additional layer of clothing. I usually didn't even attempt to shave a leg. With tights and pants on no one was going to notice....score!

Open The Window

Do you remember the runaway bride story that had the country amused and intrigued a few years back? (the liberal in me balked at using a faux.news link, but I'm running short on time--forgive me).

While many were appalled by her actions/reasons, I remembered watching her story and understanding what she was feeling. It was at that moment that my bestest promised that when the time came, he would close all of the windows and help (read: push) me down the aisle.

Today as I chatted all things wedding-related with my podmate, I don't have the same body-numbing terror when it comes to getting married/staying married.

I guess that happens when you stop trying to marry someone you should be running from.

48 Hours

Two bowls

Two plates

One pillow

That's what you buy when you move quickly and on a mean budget. I've been here less than 2 months and with several trips to DC, a week in Maine, and a weekend at home under my belt....yea....I'm pretty content with my 2:2:1 lineup. Well, I was...until now.

Lets get to business, in 48 hours I will be useless to the world.

Why?

Because LC is coming to visit me for the first time and I'm above and beyond excited!

Hmm....BUT as he is my very first visitor (my mom will be up 2 weeks after his visit and then the floodgates will open) there is much to do to transition my solo pad into a visitor-friendly pad.

First up....buy more pillows.

#Truthis

Wow I'm tired of writing, erasing, re-writing, and re-erasing this post. It's been going on for about a year. Being completely honest is rather hard for me....Lets see if this one actually makes it.

#truthis I have not made it to church since I left FL and I feel horrible about it.

#truthis I should have completely checked out three years ago. I needed to take a one-person vacation and completely unplug. I didn't and I'm still paying for it.

#truthis I'm on a marriage mission and I'm unapologetic about it.

#truthis Mission may be accomplished...2012/2013 perhaps?

#truthis I'll be shocked if I'm still in NYC in three years.

#truthis I've got to get serious about getting healthy (read: smaller).

#truthis breaking up with my 10-yr boyfriend crushed me. Breaking up with the two-year one....not so much. Ironically, the latter meant more to me in the end.

#truthis July 29 will mark the first time in over 5-years that Job 1 will no longer be Job 1. Letting go is harder than I thought.

#truthis going home was miserable....I love the people, but hate the place (read: memories). It will always be home in spirit, I don't ever want it to be my actual home again.

#truthis I'm always tired. No really. Always.

#truthis having phase one of my furniture delivered yesterday was probably one of my happiest moments in recent history.

#truthis I've lowered my standards twice to accommodate the shortcomings of the men that I've dated.

#truthis It feels like I've grown more in the last three months than I have in the last 6 years.

Game Time

I'm not saying that I've never been happy.

I'm not saying I've never had professional success.

I'm not saying that I've never been in love.

I'm not saying that I've never been fulfilled/challenged.

I'm not saying that I've never felt good, or even great in a relationship.

I'm not saying that I've only made job moves as opposed to career moves.

I'm not saying that I've never felt like I was working on a forever plan as opposed to a right now plan.

What I AM saying is....

Practice was fun, but playing in the real game is better.

MOH Chronicles: Dusty

I'm heading home today for my sis's engagement party. I've been a horrendous MOH over the last 2 months. Once my life turned on a tilt, I didn't have the wherewithal to focus/plan properly. I will finally have 99% of the Maids in one place so hopefully we can chat and get some definites down regarding the quickly approaching bridal shower and bachelorrette party.

Oh...and I'll pick up my dress this weekend too. I kind of guessed the size/never got measured soooo.......(sigh).....yea I'll keep you all posted on how this shakes out.

Added bonus? I'll get to see Brew (and my hair stylist***Praise break***)!!!

All In

I am a pragmatist. The libra in me likes order and balance. I don't have many ridiculous stories, horrendously painful impulse shopping moments, or anything else that would raise a red flag--with one exception--anything concerning my heart.

My exes can complain about a lot of things, but what they can't ever complain about is where I choose to put my money/time when it involved them. Brew and others have often talked me down from some pretty extensive gift giving ideas/purchases only for me to make them anyway. I can't help it. When it involves feeling over thinking the purchase is going to be justifiable 99.9% of the time.

I wish that I could be slightly more selfish and a bit more discerning. However, I'm holding on to the belief that the person I'm supposed to be with will A) either inspire me to fall back or B) Meet me at the point of my madness.

Who Knew....

Let me tell you a story about 2001.....

I was in my dorm spending time with my suitemate and her roommate. Now for the life of me I can't even tell you her roommates last name right now, but at that time she was "my girl" by proxy and she came to us with an interesting problem.

She had met a guy that she was interested in, but she was too nervous to go over to his apartment by herself. I actually think she was also afraid of the dark(sigh). Nevertheless, my suitemate and I had an interesting night of nothing lined up so we volunteered to go with her.


I remember the sweats I threw on for the trip over. I remember feeling no pressure because this was totally not about me. I was there for my own sheer amusement...to watch what I knew... would be an awkward encounter.

We got to his place and that's where the story got interesting. Not only did we meet the guy she was interested in, but we met his roommate, Latham. Let's call him L.C. for short.

There were a few things determined that night. My suitemate ended up not getting along with either guy. Her roommate and the guy that she was nervous to spend time with clearly weren't meant for each other. The last thing that was determined was that L.C. and I managed to leave an impression on each other.


We went out a few times throughout undergrad, remained good friends post grad, and always at the core there was always an inexplicable bit of intrigue that was sparked the night we met. Unfortunately, I never thought that we could transition what was seemingly a good friendship into a relationship. More accurately, I just didn't think I was the type of woman he wanted to date.

Nine years later....

I realize now that I had spent the last nine years trying to find someone who was as close to L.C. as possible.

The reality was that the time that we spent together subconsciously shaped my dating expectations. As well, the time that we spent together made up some of my best HU memories.

I'm not overstating.

I know. I said I didn't think I was the type of woman that he wanted to date. He was, however, the type of man that I was looking for.

Here's what I needed: Someone who I could have a great time with, someone who wasn't hesitant to call me out my foolishness, someone who was willing to not only read every word I had ever (no seriously...EVER) written, but also to critique it and most importantly someone who was willing and able to treat me like I was the most important person (short of their mother) they had ever come across.

Pretty big shoes to fill....right?

Wrong.

I finally found what I was looking for.

I just had to stop trying to find a substitute.

P.S. Apparently I was exactly the type of woman he was looking for....who knew?

Oblivious

It wasn't until I was posting an article about the anticipated heat wave that I realized I was living in the city that was supposed to be feeling 100+ degrees today. I swear for someone who A) doesn't like slow people and B) prides herself on a modicum of intelligence I can be completely oblivious to things.

This morning I stumbled on some pics of me and my ex and it gave me cause to think. I've always heard and used the phrase: "A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime." I hadn't truly experienced it until now. Pause. I hadn't realized that I was experiencing it, until now.

Gem

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do."

We (my ex and I) met at a point when we were both looking for the intangibles that made getting from point A to point B, in life, less arduous. We found those things in each other, until life got in the way and those intangibles were no longer enough.

Putting 100% into someone to get them ready for someone else is a bitter pill to swallow, but it's life and unavoidable. Does that make it any less difficult to move on? No, but there is small comfort in knowing that everyone will be better for it down the road.

I was oblivious to the fact that something could feel that right and just be for a season. I figured there would be some sort of "season only" clues that would jump out at me along the way. Maybe there were some and I missed them. Maybe not.

However, I'm not so oblivious that I missed out on what I learned, gained, lost, and found. I'm thankful for the "reasons" and "seasons" that I've had thus far. I think I'm starting to see the foundation coming together for a "lifetime." Thankfully, I'm not oblivious to that.

Ramblings: Quick and Dirty

1. It's 4:22am and I'm clutching my first cup of coffee like an addict. I don't usually caffeinate this early. Actually I don't usually have the wherewithal to do much this early. However, I have an inkling that I'll still be awake 24 hours from now. So here we go.....

2. I didn't finish yesterday's work, I haven't edited today's work, I haven't packed and I need to be out of the house in about 3 hours.

3. The sun IS NOT up yet.

4. Marsha (formerly of Floetry) is performing in Harlem tonight.......I will be in D.C. I can't.even.deal!!!

5. My neighbor watches tv 24/7. His tv rests on my wall **blink**. I found it annoying the first night I was here. Now I "watch" what he's watching. Although....sir....I don't like Unsolved Mysteries. Change the channel please. Thanks.

6. My coffee making game has been on point (thanks podmate), however, when I had to switch up creamers my love of my brew diminished significantly. I guess that speaks to my "skill set" or my mean crutch.

7. I have one paper towel square left, 1 tablespoon of body wash, a pinky toe size dab of lotion, less than 1/3 bottle of conditioner (I drink that stuff), 3 rolls of toilet paper, one onion, less than 1/8 of both of my candles, and less than 1/6 of a box of tissue in my apartment. I'll be gone for a week so I've been telling myself there is no need to go shopping if I'm not going to be here right now. My mom did an amazing job of instilling in me this odd apprehension about running out of supplies. In the history of my 27 years we never ran out of essentials like toilet paper and had to make an emergency run to the store. NEVER. So now I'm eying my dwindling supply and breathing deeply.

8. Over the weekend I met with fellow blogger D LIFE and watched the U.S. vs. Ghana game/had lunch etc. I had such a blast! Irony....we live in the same complex. It's crazy how something as simple as typing your thoughts can introduce whole new experiences into your life.

9. Every trip I have a bag issue. Often times I want to pick the cute luggage/carryall and not necessarily the one that will work the best for the trip. This is what happens when you have too many choices. I'm not sure if fashion or functionality will win on this trip either.

10. Yesterday I paused in my apartment looked around and realized that I was happier than I had been in ages. Being able to admit that, when things aren't perfect, is a blessing.

10.5 I cannot wait to spend my first July 4th in D.C., I cannot wait to see Ec.lipse tonight with the one Twil.ight fan that I know(podmate), and I cannot wait for what I'm sure will be 6 days of pure laughter. Now....I just need to get there. I have a date with work at 8am. The bus and I have a date at 5:30pm. Let the games begin.

Really Though?

I rush home from work in what is clearly 2,000 degree weather to meet the maintenance guy. I need new air/water filters asap. I'd like to not live off of claritin between now and September.

There is a note when I get here:

Stopped by to check you a.c. @ 11:28. Willie.

Hmm so when I was told to be home between 1-5pm was that a misunderstanding on my part? GTFOH with that mess!

I don't have enough fluid in my body @ the moment to raise hell, but once I rehydrate I will be a terror!

In other news, I'm trying to not only get better at my new position, but take on some other tasks. It seems like I've barely scratched the surface of what is really going on in the office. I need to get more involved and carve out a Dani-size niche. Strategy continues.