Let It Go

I struggle with pride. I try really hard to be more, just so that I minimize how many times I have to ask for anything. The news industry is a perfect career for the prideful. You're rarely in the dark about anything. Instead, you become a source of information and people just assume that you know.

I've gotten through my life mostly on assumptions and pride-driven motivation. But I want to be better, more substantive and get out of my own way.

Last weekend, LC found out that his cousins would be in town and made an unplanned trip up to meet them and spend time with me. We usually map out which weekends we'll spend where and so because this was to be a "weekend apart" I had budgeted out my money for bills and groceries. My original plan for the weekend involved walking Central Park, lying in bed watching movies, and basically doing everything/anything free and fun.

When I found out that plans had changed I was stuck. The new plans involved dinner, bar hopping, etc. and for me to pass on everything or even do a drive-by "nice to meet you" was out of the question. I finally broke down and told him: "I can't afford those plans" to which he replied: "I've got you."

Great. Should have been the end of the story.

Here's the thing....I was miserable. The entire time. I couldn't let go. I couldn't enjoy it, be engaging and have a good time. Every bar, every order, every activity was a reminder that I was on someone else's dime and I couldn't deal.

Someone somewhere is reading this and calling me crazy. I'll own that. This isn't your post.

I am my mom's oldest child. Both of my parents are the eldest children in their family. My grandparents on both sides are the oldest children in their family. Having to ask for help is not something that I'm hard-wired to do. The expectation that I was raised with is to be strong enough to help everyone else. Even when I'm forced to ask, I spend my time thinking about how best to repay that assistance. Brew laughed at me one day and said: "People don't know that you will add a job to your life quickly to get what you want." He's right. I'll take on 30 extra projects if it means that I don't have to ask for anything. I study things now in life, so that I don't have to ask for clarification.

But I want to be better, more substantive and get out of my own way.

I sat with my parents individually and talked with them about their relationship. Trying to figure out what went awry. My dad said to me that my mother had changed into someone that he didn't recognize and they no longer had the same interests. When I talked to my mom, she said that she no longer knew my father and they weren't on the same page in what they wanted in life. My response to each parent was: "What did they say when you told them that you wanted to re-align your interests?" Their response: 'I shouldn't have to ask those questions.'

As Ana would say, "There it is."

I've got to be better, more substantive and get out of my own way.