The distance is getting old. Seriously, I miss him all the time. Not in an overwhelming sort of way, but more like a dull, annoyingly-ever present paper cut sort-of-way.
I’m sure that at some point I’ll be ready to kick my own a** for wanting to live in the same zip code…hell…or even the same area code. But I’m willing to pursue that exercise in dexterity just to shake this inconvenient, mentally taxing, lifetime special(-esque) part of my relationship.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Space
I loved my first solo day in my apartment. I loved that my time was my own and my filth could only offend me. I dined on my own time line, decorated as I saw fit, and watched everything that I wanted.
I fell asleep with the tv on and reveled in the fact that every inch of this place was exactly how I wanted it to be.
Shortly thereafter LC and I got on a pretty regular here/there schedule and the amount of time that I idly lounged in my space diminished significantly. Our individual spaces quickly began to morph into our collective spaces. While I missed my DVR autonomy, I started to appreciate my ability to carve out my own space with LC present. It was the best of both worlds. We'd spend time in separate rooms and chat through the walls, until we felt like being together. Our sleep schedule never quite lines up so we were each guaranteed at least an hour of alone time in the morning and at night. We worked it out. We managed to be together, without interrupting the precious alone time necessary for our respective sanity levels.
Tonight, I'm sitting in bed alone watching brit-coms(trust me that's only possible when I'm alone).
I can't remember the last time I was completely alone in my space. I got home, leaned against the wall and just took it all in. Hello Me Time...
An hour later, I realized that I was bored as hell. Not chat with a friend bored, but tell me about your day bored. Playing the never-ending game of "what do you want to eat?" bored. Quite frankly, I've gotten use to sharing my space. I know that I can quickly get used to my alone time once again, but I don't think I actually want to...
I fell asleep with the tv on and reveled in the fact that every inch of this place was exactly how I wanted it to be.
Shortly thereafter LC and I got on a pretty regular here/there schedule and the amount of time that I idly lounged in my space diminished significantly. Our individual spaces quickly began to morph into our collective spaces. While I missed my DVR autonomy, I started to appreciate my ability to carve out my own space with LC present. It was the best of both worlds. We'd spend time in separate rooms and chat through the walls, until we felt like being together. Our sleep schedule never quite lines up so we were each guaranteed at least an hour of alone time in the morning and at night. We worked it out. We managed to be together, without interrupting the precious alone time necessary for our respective sanity levels.
Tonight, I'm sitting in bed alone watching brit-coms(trust me that's only possible when I'm alone).
I can't remember the last time I was completely alone in my space. I got home, leaned against the wall and just took it all in. Hello Me Time...
An hour later, I realized that I was bored as hell. Not chat with a friend bored, but tell me about your day bored. Playing the never-ending game of "what do you want to eat?" bored. Quite frankly, I've gotten use to sharing my space. I know that I can quickly get used to my alone time once again, but I don't think I actually want to...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Musings
1. I hate when people disagree with me. Especially LC. Ugh...Soooo Annoying.
2. I've started walking home from work....it's about 125 blocks (6.5 miles)...I really enjoy the time to reflect and hopefully I can streamline myself a bit.
3. Being unclear about my next step has led me to really think about what staying here another year would mean (more on that later).
4. I really think my neighbor's apartment is 3 feet wide. I can hear EVERYTHING from her tv shows, to her loud convos, to her hacking cough....ANNOYING!!!! Why won't she just lean on her other wall geesh.
5. I hate not having an expendable income. This is not how I imagined the last few years of my 20's.
6. Humility is not my strong point. I need to work on this before I get in the way of my blessings.
2. I've started walking home from work....it's about 125 blocks (6.5 miles)...I really enjoy the time to reflect and hopefully I can streamline myself a bit.
3. Being unclear about my next step has led me to really think about what staying here another year would mean (more on that later).
4. I really think my neighbor's apartment is 3 feet wide. I can hear EVERYTHING from her tv shows, to her loud convos, to her hacking cough....ANNOYING!!!! Why won't she just lean on her other wall geesh.
5. I hate not having an expendable income. This is not how I imagined the last few years of my 20's.
6. Humility is not my strong point. I need to work on this before I get in the way of my blessings.
Still
I've been praying for movement or a sign of some sort. I forgot to pray for patience and the clarity of mind to understand that sometimes you aren't advised to move, but instead to stop. I'm going to focus on being still and prayerfully I'll make some headway, or at the very least I"ll maintain a lower level of stress.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Time
My last distraction ended yesterday. The last two weekends have been non-stop LC and Dani time in NYC. We managed to cover a better part of the city, see an amazing exhibit, get caught up on movies, eat some lovely food, and even found a bartender who made it his business to make sure that we had a merry train ride home....Its been fantastic...and now it's over. Now there isn't another holiday weekened, major occurrence, anything special to keep me from thinking about the looming deadline in front of me. I have to make a decision as to whether I stay or go...and I need to make it in little over a month.
The countdown continues and now I can't ignore it...
The countdown continues and now I can't ignore it...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Lackluster
A year ago I felt like I feel right now. Like it's groundhog day and I'm in one boring/bland/unfulfilling cycle. Then I thought i had found my answer...my path...a better understanding of what I should be doing and where I should be doing it.
But I'm right back to that feeling. I'm confused.
Come on!
I'm no closer to figuring myself out a year later. What is really going on?
I know a lot of seemingly happy and settled individuals and unlike a few years ago, I'm not even envious of their situations. I don't want what they have. I just don't want to feel like I'm lost inside of paper cup. Can't make it up, can't go down, around, over...just walking in a circle...assuming that if I could hypothetically climb up the side of the cup there would be something of interest just outside of it.
But I'm right back to that feeling. I'm confused.
Come on!
I'm no closer to figuring myself out a year later. What is really going on?
I know a lot of seemingly happy and settled individuals and unlike a few years ago, I'm not even envious of their situations. I don't want what they have. I just don't want to feel like I'm lost inside of paper cup. Can't make it up, can't go down, around, over...just walking in a circle...assuming that if I could hypothetically climb up the side of the cup there would be something of interest just outside of it.
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