Over and Over

It feels like I'm burning out faster than I used to. I'm feeling bored, yet tired and I just need to recharge and restart.

I'm flying through the days too quickly to process everything. I feel like I'm living my present, while simultaneously immersing myself in an aggressive action plan for the future. I worry that neither will be particularly great.

I'm a hamster in a maze.

Christmas 2010

Last year I had a 80 degree Christmas and silently promised to spend this Christmas somewhere cold.

I've made mention of my concerns about Chicago's ignorant weather right now, but I can't lie...I'm sooooooooo excited about visiting the city for the first time, spending my first Christmas with my other half and his hilarious family, and marking a new milestone in my life...my first Christmas away from home.
Yes, I will need a portable space heater and a prayer, but even the cold won't dampen my happiness this Christmas season.

Battle Of One

I do not lose well.

I always think I'm right, even if I say "I may be wrong, but..."

Knowing those two things, I try my damndest to avoid arguments at all costs. The number of fights that I've had are nominal and all in all I try to avoid the whole negative process.

99.9% of the time I'll walk away from an argument. Why? Because I don't argue casually or for fun. We may be laughing on the outside, but I'm not laughing on the inside. I take it personally. The argument will offend. Things will end badly. So I walk away or offer up an "ok" and change topics. It's not ok. Trust me.

But why? Why am I like that?

Because I don't have a middle ground. It's taken me years to realize that the space between fun Dani and firestarter Dani is almost non-existent. I don't know my triggers and quite frankly I don't want to find out.

It's not that I won't fight for things that I'm passionate about, its that once the fight starts it will take over. Some people can learn from their fights. I learn by walking away and revisiting the topic once my emotions have subsided.

ok? ok.

Ramblings

1. My ripped jeans ripped for real. Funny how I paid extra for jeans to be ripped "just right" only to have them rip in a really wrong way.

2. I finally found someone to straighten my hair. The work response, as usual, almost made me question what I looked like before. The best response thus far was my co-worker stopping her sentence to gasp, clap, and squeal. I kid you not. Girl, bye!

3. My siblings are flying up for a joint birthday weekend. I.CANNOT.WAIT!

4. My morning oatmeal routine is leaving me hungry a hour later. :(

5. For the second time, I'm without expendable income during one of my company's sample sales. GRRRRRR!

6. I need to treat myself to laziness. The kind of laying in bed, not showering, not moving, for 48 hours sort of laziness.

7. I love the Sing off. The talent on that show is amazing.

8. I've decided to spend as many winter weekends as possible in DC. I just need to balance out the foolish fall travelling schedule LC maintained.

9. LC's mom spoon-fed me her Christmas request. I wish my own mother would get on board!

10. Speaking of mom. She wants to visit Vegas and Alaska (separately). While both trips sound amazing I don't think any of the siblings will be able to pull it off over the next 6 months. We have to find her a significant other post haste!

Who Me?

He said, "In my opinion, you were the only thing holding you back."

I wanted to disagree. There were so many intanigbles that got in the way! There were other factors! It was not just my fault!

I couldn't defend my case, short of saying,"I wasn't ready to move to the next step."

No one talks about the importance of being still. You learn to want success. You learn to dislike failure. Outside of the pulpit, who teaches you to be still?

Am I making another excuse?

My life changed quickly this year and I was able to change with it. Things that seemed insurmountable were easily conquered. Fears, laziness, and apprehension were quieted and I was able to step out and really embrace my challenges. I can't beat myself up over how long it took to change the course of my life, because quite frankly had anything happened at a different point in my life I doubt that I would've had the same outcome.

To you, it seemed like I delayed my success. To me, it seemed like I was preparing for it.

Less of That and More of This

Fresh from another wedding my brain is whirling. Full disclosure: I don't have engagement news, a timeline, groom, or dress. This is just one 28-year-old's rant about a day that will hopefully be sooner than later, so that she (I) can get to the marriage part of life.

I've never been shy about the distinction in my mind between a wedding and a marriage. While I adore weddings, I know myself enough to know that I'll need to go a different route.

What I know for sure:

-I don't want a long engagement.
-I don't want a bridal party**
-I don't want a first or last dance
- I don't want to jump or fly a broom
-I'm not married to a cake


What I do want:

-I want a small dinner party with really good food
-I'd like to look exceptional
-I'd like an amazing honeymoon, in a region of the world that I haven't seen.
-I'd like to wake up the morning after the wedding and not wish that I had spent less money on everything.

Basically, I'd like an invite that says this.....

"Please join us for dinner as we celebrate our marriage and our new life together."

I'd like to get to some vows in between the appetizers and main course. Then I'd like to sit and laugh with friends and family.

That's it.


**I do still want to take a trip with all of the women that have contributed to the woman I am right now. If we "Go Ho or Go Home" in the process, then so be it :)

Disconnect

Meeting LC's folks was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed them and I think that they enjoyed meeting me. I'm glad… because spending my first Christmas (and midnight Mass) away will be hard, I'm sure, and I was worried that the combination of missing my family and trying to get through an awkward introductory period with his would be difficult.

Crisis averted. Well sort of.

I've been waiting and watching for the bottom fall out.

Or at the very least start to slant? Ripple? Fade?

We both did the family/friends meet and greet with no problems. We’ve conquered two vacations with limited sleep and hours on the road….no problems. We argue sensibly (i'm still confused by that one) and play fair. We want the same things.

Things have been going really well.

Except for the obvious....

He's there and I'm here....And for right now there is nothing that can be done about it.

Hello Ripple.

Timing

1.I’m convinced that I’ll be able to make a decision about my apartment November 2011. My lease is up June 2011.

2.My expenses and income dropped simultaneously, just not proportionally. I’m sure that will level out in a year. I need it to level out in six months.

3.I feel like I’ll have New York out of my system, and be ready for a new city, in about 12-16 months. I just don’t have 12-16 months left to figure out the next step in my relationship and career.

4.The Broadway play I was most excited about seeing in two weeks is ending in one week.

5.I’m ready for a marriage. I’m about two years away from being able to conceptualize/afford a wedding.

6.I’m heading to DC after work and Atlanta in the morning. Based on the way I was scrambling this morning I needed at least 3 more days to get ready.