I've been thinking really hard about where I am in my life and what I want to accomplish. Ana, RJ and I were discussing, over lunch, vision boards and the importance of speaking your goals into existence.
Which made me think. If I'm on my grind, have my board worked out, and am speaking my goals into existence, I should assume Sweets is doing the same with his goals...right?
Over the past few weeks, I've watched him get serious about writing, rehearsing, and sharing his talent with anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, I've been job hunting, networking, and scouting corners in GA & DC for my ankle-grabbing, money-making, back-up plan (I kid.....maybe).
The point is.....growth & achieving goals tend to be selfish things. Lets be honest....the person that is living the life you want right now, has the job you want, the man/woman you want, and/or the body you want etc. 99% of the time achieved that goal not by being considerate....but by "kicking butt and taking names." Conversely, couples that are the most secure have mastered the art of compromise and communication.
I know, I know....optimists will tell you that you can have both. The realist in me tells me that at some point two dreams will come to head and someone will have to defer theirs for the good of the couple-dom. The Veruca Salt in me doesn't like that....
To be clear Sweets & I have "us" goals and dreams as well. However, there are things that we both want individually and I just wonder how that will all play out.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Eyes Wide Open
I've been avoiding all things to do with my ex. I don't know why exactly....I guess I just didn't want any awkward interactions, I didn't want to feel any longing regarding friends lost....I just didn't want __________(the blanks are an anomaly). In this tiny/big county that can get a bit sticky, but over the last year I've been pretty successful.
Today, I stumbled on his pictures(gasp)...... and I had to smile. I couldn't place anyone or anything in the pics. It was a completely different life and more so a completely different person staring back at me....and I was ok with that.
Whaaa??? (who have I really become? I usually always care--hmm guess not)
The most the picture yielded was my own desire to speed up my departure from the mundanity of my every day and kick start a new career in a new location. Effectively, peace--I've now come to realize--can be found in the most random of places.
I didn't have complete peace about being the "bad guy" and hurting someone I cared about. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take anything back and I'm happier with Sweets than I've ever been. I think that in my mind peace was something that was tied to forgiveness and forgiveness was never going to happen. Due to a lack of peace, I was avoiding the possibility of coming across anything to do with the ex. I guess because I didn't know what would happen, or not happen. I've been muddled in a path of uncertainty. Why in the world would I give something/someone so much power and why go through the energy to avoid?
Lesson Learned: I am completely capable of granting my own peace. I'll stop the avoidance now, because at this point I have plans for my future that require my attention.
Today, I stumbled on his pictures(gasp)...... and I had to smile. I couldn't place anyone or anything in the pics. It was a completely different life and more so a completely different person staring back at me....and I was ok with that.
Whaaa??? (who have I really become? I usually always care--hmm guess not)
The most the picture yielded was my own desire to speed up my departure from the mundanity of my every day and kick start a new career in a new location. Effectively, peace--I've now come to realize--can be found in the most random of places.
I didn't have complete peace about being the "bad guy" and hurting someone I cared about. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take anything back and I'm happier with Sweets than I've ever been. I think that in my mind peace was something that was tied to forgiveness and forgiveness was never going to happen. Due to a lack of peace, I was avoiding the possibility of coming across anything to do with the ex. I guess because I didn't know what would happen, or not happen. I've been muddled in a path of uncertainty. Why in the world would I give something/someone so much power and why go through the energy to avoid?
Lesson Learned: I am completely capable of granting my own peace. I'll stop the avoidance now, because at this point I have plans for my future that require my attention.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
AM Foolishness
I suppose it's because I haven't been in an office setting in awhile. Maybe it's simply because I'm crazy....either way.....I struggle every morning to find something to wear.
Here's the kicker...I know that no one in that office gives half a thought to what I'm wearing. I'm at an engineering firm, where the coup of the day, for the engineers, is to not get lunch stains on their jeans(Hmm that is a daily coup for me---I digress).
The women in the office are all, for some reason, beholden to pantyhose (still? in 2009? In 95 deg weather???). Fashion week this is not. I know that I'm wasting my time and brain power every morning, yet I cannot break the cycle.
Dani: I'm going to wear a skirt
Mind: Skirts are so much work...did you shave? Are your toes appropriate? Will you be cold?
Dani: I'm there for 4 hours....one of which is spent behind the front desk on the phone
Mind: But you want to be cute
Dani: For who? They do not want me
Mind: They do they just don't know it
Dani: Grey Slacks and a navy blouse?
Mind: Too close to shade of cerulean you wore yesterday.
WTF??? This insanity goes on for a hour each morning and my bedroom looks like Hiroshima when I'm done.
I need help!
Here's the kicker...I know that no one in that office gives half a thought to what I'm wearing. I'm at an engineering firm, where the coup of the day, for the engineers, is to not get lunch stains on their jeans(Hmm that is a daily coup for me---I digress).
The women in the office are all, for some reason, beholden to pantyhose (still? in 2009? In 95 deg weather???). Fashion week this is not. I know that I'm wasting my time and brain power every morning, yet I cannot break the cycle.
Dani: I'm going to wear a skirt
Mind: Skirts are so much work...did you shave? Are your toes appropriate? Will you be cold?
Dani: I'm there for 4 hours....one of which is spent behind the front desk on the phone
Mind: But you want to be cute
Dani: For who? They do not want me
Mind: They do they just don't know it
Dani: Grey Slacks and a navy blouse?
Mind: Too close to shade of cerulean you wore yesterday.
WTF??? This insanity goes on for a hour each morning and my bedroom looks like Hiroshima when I'm done.
I need help!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Working Girl
I've been making a lot of passing remarks about my tiredness of late, but I haven't actually paused to explain the source.
In the beginning there was job 1 and while job 1 was new, challenging, and pleasing to my resume there were always payroll glitches. I knew going in it was a small company and those things happen. However, to me, the trade-off of getting hands-on experience in my field, minus the bureaucracy was enough for me to hang on. Other bonus? I work remotely 90% of the time...score!
To compensate, I picked up job 2. Now, job 2 is truly just a job. The schedule is insanely flexible and all my superiors are concerned about is the completion of tasks, they do not micromanage....ever. Now working 50+ hours a week managing employees at job 1 can get tedious, so it was an interesting dichotomy to be someone else's employee at job 2. Not to mention 2 fabulous fringe benefits of job 2: #1 meeting and working with Sweets and #2 a glorious discount!
Then 2008-2009 happened.....things at job 1 got very rocky. We were embroiled in a lawsuit that threatened to shutter the doors, end my career, and effectively would leave me bankrupt and needing a new moniker. (Pause) I really wish I was being overly dramatic in that statement. There is nothing in this entire blog that I'm more direct or serious about than that 2nd to last sentence---it was truly THAT serious. Not to mention the recession hit something hard and all of a sudden ends started to not be met.
Now....the 2nd quarter of '09 is when I got deadly serious about being ready to relocate. However, 'mama raised no fool' and I knew that realistically I couldn't shoulder that legal burden (of the ongoing job 1 suit) on my own. So I dug in my heels and gave job 1 all of my effort. However, with the quarterly legal fees being more than what the CEO was paying himself annually, you can imagine how tight things got. Sooner than later payroll was about a month behind.
Now through all of the previous payroll hiccups I leaned on my part-time earnings at job 2 to get through. Slowly but surely those checks stopped being shopping money and soon it started being the means for me to pay my health insurance (we don't have benefits @ job 1).
The "oh sh!t" moment happened during the '08 holiday season. Business at job 2 was lousy, at best. Hours started to get cut and tasks got fewer and fewer. By the time we hit the 2nd quarter of '09, I felt like I was playing Russian roulette with my finances (maybe I'll get job 1's check, or maybe job 2's check will be enough to cover the paper it's printed on)...a mess.
Finally, the lawsuit was settled in job 1 and I was no longer in jeopardy of personal liability. However, the monthly payout was/is staggering. Payroll remained/remains at a one month delay. At job 2 the hours aren't diminishing, but they are definitely not increasing.
What's a girl to do???? All the while, I'm on a fervent relocation hunt. I'm intimately aware of what is on the job sites and the sites are familiar with me. However, the more important question is "how am I paying my bills right now?" Well the frustration boiled up in me long enough and I got serious. I started to look for a part-time gig locally....I mean what's the point of job searching if you're cell phone wouldn't be in service to schedule an interview?
Exactly.....
And enter job 3.....yes.....3. I scored a contract for a few weeks (the amount of time it should take job 1 to get payroll caught up) and started this week.
How???
Well I do job 1 in the early morning, job 3 in the morning/afternoon, then go to job 2 in the evening. It helps that jobs 2&3 are across the street from each other. Sounds crazy? I concede it is a little insane, but I'm a bottom line type person and as long as I can juggle it all I will.
Time to hit the ground running......
In the beginning there was job 1 and while job 1 was new, challenging, and pleasing to my resume there were always payroll glitches. I knew going in it was a small company and those things happen. However, to me, the trade-off of getting hands-on experience in my field, minus the bureaucracy was enough for me to hang on. Other bonus? I work remotely 90% of the time...score!
To compensate, I picked up job 2. Now, job 2 is truly just a job. The schedule is insanely flexible and all my superiors are concerned about is the completion of tasks, they do not micromanage....ever. Now working 50+ hours a week managing employees at job 1 can get tedious, so it was an interesting dichotomy to be someone else's employee at job 2. Not to mention 2 fabulous fringe benefits of job 2: #1 meeting and working with Sweets and #2 a glorious discount!
Then 2008-2009 happened.....things at job 1 got very rocky. We were embroiled in a lawsuit that threatened to shutter the doors, end my career, and effectively would leave me bankrupt and needing a new moniker. (Pause) I really wish I was being overly dramatic in that statement. There is nothing in this entire blog that I'm more direct or serious about than that 2nd to last sentence---it was truly THAT serious. Not to mention the recession hit something hard and all of a sudden ends started to not be met.
Now....the 2nd quarter of '09 is when I got deadly serious about being ready to relocate. However, 'mama raised no fool' and I knew that realistically I couldn't shoulder that legal burden (of the ongoing job 1 suit) on my own. So I dug in my heels and gave job 1 all of my effort. However, with the quarterly legal fees being more than what the CEO was paying himself annually, you can imagine how tight things got. Sooner than later payroll was about a month behind.
Now through all of the previous payroll hiccups I leaned on my part-time earnings at job 2 to get through. Slowly but surely those checks stopped being shopping money and soon it started being the means for me to pay my health insurance (we don't have benefits @ job 1).
The "oh sh!t" moment happened during the '08 holiday season. Business at job 2 was lousy, at best. Hours started to get cut and tasks got fewer and fewer. By the time we hit the 2nd quarter of '09, I felt like I was playing Russian roulette with my finances (maybe I'll get job 1's check, or maybe job 2's check will be enough to cover the paper it's printed on)...a mess.
Finally, the lawsuit was settled in job 1 and I was no longer in jeopardy of personal liability. However, the monthly payout was/is staggering. Payroll remained/remains at a one month delay. At job 2 the hours aren't diminishing, but they are definitely not increasing.
What's a girl to do???? All the while, I'm on a fervent relocation hunt. I'm intimately aware of what is on the job sites and the sites are familiar with me. However, the more important question is "how am I paying my bills right now?" Well the frustration boiled up in me long enough and I got serious. I started to look for a part-time gig locally....I mean what's the point of job searching if you're cell phone wouldn't be in service to schedule an interview?
Exactly.....
And enter job 3.....yes.....3. I scored a contract for a few weeks (the amount of time it should take job 1 to get payroll caught up) and started this week.
How???
Well I do job 1 in the early morning, job 3 in the morning/afternoon, then go to job 2 in the evening. It helps that jobs 2&3 are across the street from each other. Sounds crazy? I concede it is a little insane, but I'm a bottom line type person and as long as I can juggle it all I will.
Time to hit the ground running......
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Style
I love the whirlwind world surrounding fashion, but I often times just don't get the trends. I suppose the pragmatist in me has little time for an entire industry that does not have my weekly tar.get trips in mind. I mean some of the current trends are wearable, I just know that I would end up as someone's tragic twit.pic. Who knowingly does that?
Be that as it may, I just wish that practical application, my general sense of what "works" for me, and the "trend of the moment" would converge more often than not.
Here are some of the "praised" looks that I just don't get......
Sweets says that I have more of a classic style and trendy has never really been my thing. I'll concede to that point, however, I guess the better question is how much money do you have to have in your account for "not so cute" looks to become "cute and acceptable" to the world?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Driving Us Crazy
There are a lot of things that I've been accused of....the one thing that often sticks with me is my inability to separate my work/financial situation from my personal life. No, I'm not dating....wait...yes I am dating a co-worker, but that's not what I mean. The accusation is that whenever there are hard times at work/with the finances, I take it out on my relationship (read: significant other).
I wish that accusation was without merit, but the more frustrated I get with work, money, life...the more frustrated and impatient I get with my personal life. Start asking questions about things that are certain, start feeling inadequacies--which I don't admit to anywhere but in the blogosphere, etc. I feel bad for feeling bad and then feel bad for making him feel bad, which makes me feel even worse.
I'm effectively driving myself crazy and subsequently driving Sweets crazy. Crash course in Dani-ism I suppose.....buckle up....the ride has just begun.
I wish that accusation was without merit, but the more frustrated I get with work, money, life...the more frustrated and impatient I get with my personal life. Start asking questions about things that are certain, start feeling inadequacies--which I don't admit to anywhere but in the blogosphere, etc. I feel bad for feeling bad and then feel bad for making him feel bad, which makes me feel even worse.
I'm effectively driving myself crazy and subsequently driving Sweets crazy. Crash course in Dani-ism I suppose.....buckle up....the ride has just begun.
Madam
First Name: Camel
Last Name: Toe
Madam,
I am displeased to make the acquaintance of your friend Mr. Camel Toe. Just as men tend to wince whenever they witness a "junk punch," I too am unable to sit comfortably at the moment due to the current location of your bike shorts and labium.
I have a few questions for you:
1. When you blink do you feel lycra in/around your eyelids?
2. If you leave fruit wrapped up in the heat it goes bad....has that happened to you/your "parts"?
3. do you think that when ppl stop and pull out their camera phone that you are doing something right?
I understand you were going to the gym and you wanted something comfortable and form fitting. I know what it is like to want the impossible. I go to the gym daily and want to stand next to a machine and have pounds fall off--not going to happen---and I accept that. I do, however, want you to accept that perspiration + friction = increased likelihood of a clothing shift.
I'm sure that you are a good person deep down. Having gotten to know you instantly and intimately, it appears as though you have a high regard for maintenance and I can only assume that transitions into your daily life. Since we are past the point of you pulling your shorts down (and I don't think there is a hook strong enough or a stick long enough---(lol---"stick"---I digress)--to help with the process), I'd like you to follow a few steps.
1. Put on underwear
2. Torch anything that resembles 'bike shorts'
3. Apologize to your...."area"....it's hurting...trust me
I'm really glad we had this chat.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Last Name: Toe
Madam,
I am displeased to make the acquaintance of your friend Mr. Camel Toe. Just as men tend to wince whenever they witness a "junk punch," I too am unable to sit comfortably at the moment due to the current location of your bike shorts and labium.
I have a few questions for you:
1. When you blink do you feel lycra in/around your eyelids?
2. If you leave fruit wrapped up in the heat it goes bad....has that happened to you/your "parts"?
3. do you think that when ppl stop and pull out their camera phone that you are doing something right?
I understand you were going to the gym and you wanted something comfortable and form fitting. I know what it is like to want the impossible. I go to the gym daily and want to stand next to a machine and have pounds fall off--not going to happen---and I accept that. I do, however, want you to accept that perspiration + friction = increased likelihood of a clothing shift.
I'm sure that you are a good person deep down. Having gotten to know you instantly and intimately, it appears as though you have a high regard for maintenance and I can only assume that transitions into your daily life. Since we are past the point of you pulling your shorts down (and I don't think there is a hook strong enough or a stick long enough---(lol---"stick"---I digress)--to help with the process), I'd like you to follow a few steps.
1. Put on underwear
2. Torch anything that resembles 'bike shorts'
3. Apologize to your...."area"....it's hurting...trust me
I'm really glad we had this chat.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
My Plans Do Not Include You.....
work |wərk|
noun
1 activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result : he was tired after a day's work in the fields. See note at labor .
• ( works) [in combination ] a place or premises for industrial activity, typically manufacturing : he found a job in the ironworks.
2 such activity as a means of earning income; employment : I'm still looking for work.
volunteer |ˌvälənˈtir|
noun
a person who freely offers to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task.
• a person who works for an organization without being paid.
volunteerism |ˌvälənˈti(ə)rˌizəm|
noun
the use or involvement of volunteer labor, esp. in community services.
Recently, my boss asked me what I had set up for my team to accomplish over the next six months. I wasn't sure if I was more upset that I was getting this question 5 min before my shift started, or if I was more upset that payroll checks were one month behind and I was being asked about tasks 6 months down the line.
Working for a small company that has had more than its share of financial "bumps" in the road, I know that sometimes things don't go according to plan when it comes to payroll. The benefit to the company is that there is virtually no bureaucracy. More importantly the flexibility of telecommuting is fantastic. Maybe I should rephrase that to "was fantastic."
I've realized that I'm getting older--no sob stories here--but realistically 25+2 is staring at and is one short month away. I've got goals, dreams, debauchery that I'd like to accomplish before mini-me's enter the picture. It's time for me to stop wanting more and get it. Time for me to stop wishing for better and simply stop settling for worse.
The dialogue that I've been having in my mind has become a soliloquy titled: "It's time."
So I don't know what the team will be doing 6 months from now, but come "hell or high water" (thanks mom) it won't be my responsibility. I've gotten what I needed (that'll be the next post) and now its time to go.
noun
1 activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result : he was tired after a day's work in the fields. See note at labor .
• ( works) [in combination ] a place or premises for industrial activity, typically manufacturing : he found a job in the ironworks.
2 such activity as a means of earning income; employment : I'm still looking for work.
volunteer |ˌvälənˈtir|
noun
a person who freely offers to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task.
• a person who works for an organization without being paid.
volunteerism |ˌvälənˈti(ə)rˌizəm|
noun
the use or involvement of volunteer labor, esp. in community services.
Recently, my boss asked me what I had set up for my team to accomplish over the next six months. I wasn't sure if I was more upset that I was getting this question 5 min before my shift started, or if I was more upset that payroll checks were one month behind and I was being asked about tasks 6 months down the line.
Working for a small company that has had more than its share of financial "bumps" in the road, I know that sometimes things don't go according to plan when it comes to payroll. The benefit to the company is that there is virtually no bureaucracy. More importantly the flexibility of telecommuting is fantastic. Maybe I should rephrase that to "was fantastic."
I've realized that I'm getting older--no sob stories here--but realistically 25+2 is staring at and is one short month away. I've got goals, dreams, debauchery that I'd like to accomplish before mini-me's enter the picture. It's time for me to stop wanting more and get it. Time for me to stop wishing for better and simply stop settling for worse.
The dialogue that I've been having in my mind has become a soliloquy titled: "It's time."
So I don't know what the team will be doing 6 months from now, but come "hell or high water" (thanks mom) it won't be my responsibility. I've gotten what I needed (that'll be the next post) and now its time to go.
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