Not Ok

I would rather break my toe off of my foot than cry in public.

Cold and heartless? No.

Tears yield questions and the one question that kills me every time is "are you ok?"

What otherwise may have been a Terrence Howard dignified one tear, will quickly morph into a Harpo-esque waterfall complete with a lip quiver and Michelen man-esque eyes.

I CANNOT DEAL.

Being the eldest child, tear privileges went to my younger sister. I was always "too old" to be crying over something. So I didn't. I would wait until I was by myself and cry about everything that was bothering me....privately....away from anyone who might ask a question.

( Not to mention, that girl wore crying out! Seriously, I think she should've had her tear ducts checked. My tears couldn't compete. She had the crying pass* and never returned it, so I just skipped the activity.)

Eventually, I just wasn't known for crying. Anytime I was moved to tears it would be so unusual that the "are you ok" question would quickly follow.

Siiigh.....

I'd go from crying over something trivial to hyperventilating over every misery that had occurred since the last time I cried.

And let's be real. I'm pale. So you can only imagine the pink and red color sequence on my face. UNSAVORY!

Life's greatest irony? I'm incredibly sensitive. God will have his little laugh.



*if you were blessed enough to have gone through your life without having to deal with a bathroom pass, then this reference will escape you.

I Want It All......Please

I dreamt that I ended up eternally single. I suppose that would be more accurately labeled a nightmare.

In my dream I remember saying, "what I'm looking for is really simple."

My man list?

Faith-based individual (in actions, not words) who put me at the top of his list. Oh...umm....is invested in family time, chivalrous, funny, smart, and cute.

Ok....maybe I wanted it all.

The way my dream played out was that I compromised my way out of most of "it all." I wrapped my man[re]quests up with a "please, if you could, maybe" and ended up with something that is far from "it all". I ended up with nothing.

Back to reality:

Brew and I were discussing the people in this world that get "it all." They tend to be unyielding, brazen, and strategic. They are the ones that get the jobs, raises, and relationships. While we the 'compromisers/accommodaters' end up on the "she/he is so nice" plateau.

Striking a balance between demanding what I want and knowing when to bend is the umbrella issue. For me specifically, the issue is knowing when NOT to bend.

A dream about being a spinster is abysmal. A dream about always playing second because I don't demand first is deplorable.

Time to wake up.

Somewhere Between The Clouds And The Concrete

I have not been the biggest advocate of a. Keys latest album. Why is that title so long? Who mixed the tracks? Was she sick when she recorded it?

Just wondering.....

I think I'm up to 4 tracks that I enjoy and that has pretty much been my album average since the first one (now the amount of time it took me to find 4 songs that I liked is a whole other issue).

As I was leaving the office yesterday I started to hum a really random song and couldn't place it. Seriously, I had no idea where this song came from. I realized after 30 minutes of searching that it was one of the random tracks that I hadn't skipped on my last album listen. The chorus is what implanted itself in my brain, not in a good way. However, I decided to investigate the lyrics and to my surprise there was something there worth quoting.

Have you ever felt so strong
That it made you feel weak
Long days, long nights
And you just can't sleep

Have you ever been so sure
That it gave you cold feet
Gotcha floating on air
You can feel your heart beat

Well, I never knew
This feeling ever
Now I hope it stays
And lasts forever

I am riding high
Don't wanna come down
Hope my wings don't fail me now
If I can touch the sky
I risk the fall
Just to know how it feels to fly

Touche madam, touche. If I can touch the sky/I risk the fall/Just to know how it feels to fly. That line perfectly summarizes the terrifyingly satisfying ride that I'm on right now. Praying that I don't fall flat on my face, but willing to take the risk just on the CHANCE that I can make this crazy dream work.

Touche.

Glitch In the Matrix

I'm back to the regular grind today. I am, however, only back in body. My mind and spirit are somewhere else.

The incredibly trite misquote of the incredibly trite quote: "If you can see it, you can achieve it" is actually fitting.

I saw a different world. I believe it can happen. I can't go back to business as usual.

Ever date someone that blows your old person out of the water? Yea...there is no going back.

Move into a shiny new apartment and try to go visit your childhood room? Unsavory.

I want to put in separation notices at the jobs, strap my clothes to my back and leave tomorrow, but patience got me this far......

Inconvenience

I read subscribe to blogs and read them via go.ogle.reader (imagine that!) Nothing infuriates me more than getting to a page that isn't set up for ease of use via google.reader. I don't get it! I don't want one picture and a teaser. I don't have time to entertain a: "for the rest of the story click here."

Pe.ople/Y.B.F. I'm talking about you.

Ugh.

Friendship

I have been blown away this weekend by the power of great friends and great people. I am neither naive, in thinking that the world is filled with rainbows and ponies, nor am I jaded, in thinking that the world is filled with heartless souls. I take everyone as they are and try not to hold any expectations.

I am really bad about maintaining old relationships. I tend to 'disappear' once I pass one stage of my life and move on to the next one. It's been six years since I graduated from undergrad and 10 years since I graduated from high school. The amount of relationships that I've actively maintained since May 23, 2000 and May 9, 2004, respectively, have been shameful.

This weekend reminded me that despite my own shortcomings in that area, I have some amazing people in my life that are willing to accept that my shortcomings.

I am incredibly thankful for everyone who made this very hectic weekend a lot easier with your advice, prayers, inquiries, laughter, good times, transportation, quiet moments, and hugs.


P.S. Shout-out to the Senegalese cab driver who picked me up, despite having a fare in his car, because it was raining and he hoped that someone would've done it for his own child.

Delivered To Destiny

This is Pierre...He is the darling man that picked me up at the airport and hand-delivered me to my dream office, with my dream team, doing dream things, in my dream city. By dream office I mean something mixed between the Hills&The City offices/The Parsons&Banana Republic workspace/Devil Wears Prada set nestled in the midst of flatiron district. Ummm....the entire fall line was actualized everywhere....I swear there was just a random sampling of aubergine dyed croc touching a boot....(swoon), sketches, awesomeness, m.a.c computers....yesssss.

By dream team I mean two unassuming guys who focus on getting the job done and not the politics surrounding the job. Praises Be!

By dream things....the words communications, gatekeeper, travel, exposure across divisions surfaced.

By dream city I mean....Sigh.....

To his credit(or lack thereof)....Pierre did all of these things effortlessly and unknowingly.

I am finally rounding the corner on making this a reality sooner than later. Yesterday's mission involved further convincing a round of people that I was their girl. Today's mission? Find somewhere to rest my head.

Here we go....

P.S. The hotel that we're staying in has a Miami location.....fab, fab, fab....yes...there was a line and several bouncers at the front door when I returned last night....oh there is a rooftop bar and a club....VIPness everywhere.....We just bypassed the line flashed the room key and went on up.....Yesssssssss!

S.M.H. (Ramblings)

1.I thought I had pink eye...nope my eyes are just itchy for no reason.

2.I've packed. Now I need to pull some things out. That's how I compensate for my tendency to over pack. Maybe one day it will work.

3. Do my nerves know that I fly out tomorrow? Where are they? This calm is unnerving.

4. My boss's boss never chastises me for anything. She just chastises my boss for it. I wonder if it's her way of making sure she has a good "in" with a future corporate person....hmmm....we shall see.

5. My one-day meeting in NYC (with one person) just became a two-day meeting (with 5 people) revising wardrobe now.

6. Yesterday I ran into the wall (while carrying boxes) and the momentum propelled me on to another wall (at which point I dropped the boxes) and then out to the sales floor and which point I hit the edge of the couch. It hurt so badly that I paused just long enough to locate the point of contact and then my next step introduced me to the edge of the display table. My customer looked up and said "tables have a way of jumping out in front of you *snicker*"

*side eye* My legs look like they belong on a Li.feti.me special.

5. (Sigh) I mean...

7. Brew and I have no firm plans at all for this trip. We are the most planningest (yep I said it) people ever, so this is a bit weird. We'll see how this plays out.

8. I've done absolutely no substantive work this week....anywhere. I wish I felt bad about it.

9.I'm going to need a vacation after this week's trip. I can feel it.

10. I hate the smell of food stained containers, wrappers, and napkins once I've finished eating...it makes me nauseous. This mornings bacon was in wax paper inside of a styrofoam container. I mistakenly threw the container away in my cubicle trashcan. I've since tied up the garbage bag and placed clorox disinfecting wipes over the side of my trashcan to mask the smell. Yuck!

Unraveling

My alarm went off @ 4 this morning and I realized that I hadn't yet gone to sleep.

Professionally, it feels like my life couldn't be better. Personally, my relationship is going up in flames.

The unvarnished truth is that we don't have time for each other.

Why not give it a break?

I'm a hypocrite. If you were telling me what I'm telling you, I would say to you "If its meant to be it will be."

I do not believe that to be true in my life...in fact my beliefs are more along the lines of "if you want it as much as he wants it, then fight for it. Always. Until someone gives up."

Two years (almost to the day) I was in this predicament with one difference: I had already given up. I couldn't figure out how to break it to him, so we existed in this ignorant grey area for another few weeks, but he was essentially dating the idea of me at that point. The real Dani had checked out.

Two years later I'm annoyed. Having 4-letter word shots, diluted with 5-letter word chasers.

I can't place blame, I can't find conviction in the fact that I hate him(because I don't), I can't even convince myself that I love him less.

I'm not mad at him--in fact if he worked less I'd prob be furious(He deserves the success he's working for). Just like he looked at me sideways when I looked like I was thinking twice abt NYC. We are each other's support. We love each other tremendously we just spend so much time apart that when we're together its like something is lacking. The spark is dimming......

WTF kind of sh*t is that?

My relationship is unraveling due to time apart. The time apart that we've talked about our entire relationship. The time needed to make our then dreams into our now reality.

Time is an unwelcome, one-toothed, club-toed, cool ranch dorito smelling b*tch. F*uck her.

Masochism

Coffee was a bad idea today. Ok, it was necessary bad idea, but a bad idea nevertheless.

I'm finally awake. However the coffee paired with my anxiety about this week (in general) has created a fiery, heart-burn laden storm in my esophagus. Nice.

To-do:

*Finalize a trendy, chic, business ensemble in muted tones with punchy color accents(I swear to you that's what the H.R. Lady suggested-love her!) that is travel friendly.
*Line up some apts to look @ on Friday.
*Pack
*Squeeze hair, nail, brow appt in btwn now and then.
*I shop when I'm nervous....I came to my senses today and need to return some (read: MOST) of my frivolity.

Schedule this week?

Working 9am-9:30pm Mon-Wed. And fly out 6:30am Thursday.

Nice!

Solution?

Start the PM job 2 hrs late today and Wed. (Tuesday we have a corp visit so I need to be on-time as scheduled). That will create a 3 hour window in which I will fly around town and whittle down my 2do list. Packing can happen after work each night. Hopefully.

Bottom Line?

It has to get done so it will.

Sidenote: Why didn't I do these things over the weekend? (If I read this that would be my question). I worked Saturday 9-4/emceed a gala Sat night 6-10 and worked Sunday 10-7.

Making the impossible possible is both masochistic and exhilarating......here we go :-). Excited !

Thus it begins.....

A week from now I will be waking up New York......(and going to sleep in D.C.)

I've reached the final phase of the job process and the only thing left is the visit.

I'm numb. I truly cannot believe that this is an actually possibility. No seriously, its beyond my realm of conceptualization.

I owe you the entire story and regardless of how the visit shakes out, you will have it when I give my official 'yes' or 'no' to the position (another 10 days or so)....

One sad note, Sweets won't be making the trip....(Or the subsequent one to DC). I'll actually post abt that separately.

Never fear....Someone I know will be "sick" next week and won't be able to make it to work....(Drum Roll).......

(Announcer voice) Making his way to the Big Apple and then his INAUGURAL trip to the real HU(echo)....my conscience, accountant, bestie, and #3 speed dial occupant for nearly a decade.......the keeper of the largest collection of sweater vests on the east coast......BREW!

LOL

That was funny to me.....anyway...I'll be in good hands and if you've ever met Brew you would also know that he moonlights as the paparazzi so the trip will be well documented.

Have a great weekend.

PS the D.C. portion of the trip is for my libra-sister/line brother's(2 descriptors, one person) baby shower...... YAY!

Odd Couple

I woke up this morning oddly refreshed.

Why is it odd to wake up refreshed?

Yesterday, I spent my first afternoon off (in nearly two weeks) helping my cousin with a research paper. One would surmise that my mood would be even worse than it was yesterday. One may also surmise that the 2am bedtime and 4am awake time would leave me even crankier still.

Hmmm..."one" would be strangely incorrect.

Despite the fact that the paper involved phrases like peer socialization, affiliation with deviant adolescence, research concepts, validity vs. reliability etc. I had a blast stepping away from the adult tedium and remembering what it was like to have a 5-page paper be the biggest obstacle I had to face for the week.

We paused at some point mid-paper to grab some food and laugh it up (at which point my 18-year-old cousin ordered margaritas with ease, meanwhile the waitress questioned my age. *strumpet*) and pretty much worked well into the early morning. The entire thing was so outside of what I've been immersed in recently that it was a breath of fresh air.

Peace comes at the most unexpected times.

Have a good day all!

Whew!

Was it just me or was Monday unusually vicious? Today is the first break I've had in a week. Here are just a few things that happened over the last few days that let me know it's time for a break.

1. When trying to complete a weekly report I typed 1/0 into the calculator and stared at it waiting for an answer. When nothing appeared on the screen but the 0, I turned off the calculator and turned it back on and did it again. I kid you not.

2. The last part of closing the store involves setting the alarm. I stood in front of the panel and confidently typed the wrong code for 2 minutes, before it occurred to me that it was the wrong code.

3. I hid a column on my excel spreadsheet and 10 minutes later started freaking out because I thought there was a computer glitch and I couldn't find my data.

4. I got home and turned off my car....moments later I remembered to put my car in park.

5. Rushing to work one morning I couldn't find my phone once I got in the car. I left the car running and ran in the house to look for my phone. I found it. I had been holding it the entire time.

Choking

1. (Redacted)

2. The next 4 weeks will be a flurry of non-stop travel and work foolishness. Somewhere in there I need to find an apartment in another state, without little details like: move-in date, relocation package, etc. (I get the details following my "official" trip in which I sightsee and then agree 2 the move--the timeframe of that trip has been pushed back since the manager is no longer in his role)

3. My car is making a noise....I don't think...I know it can't possibly be a good thing. Maybe it's a belt? I don't actually have the time to find out. (No Note)

4. This sunday I'm emceeing a gala. Haven't figured out my attire nor have I gotten my tix. I'm not actually sure where it is to be quite frank. So the fact that I have no clue what I'll say when I get there and/or I don't really want to be there are seemingly minuscule issues. (This will thankfully/hopefully be my last church duty here in wpb--oh.. no.. wait....)

5. My minister is in the running to be a Bishop in another state. He's told only 5 people. Its a huge deal and one that will polarize our church hence the secrecy. I've been interviewed by the Bishop search committee and will be interviewed again in person in 2 weeks. My minister asked me to help his process and has been confiding in me about his concerns and excitement. Its just critical for his success that I see him through his process, which ends in November. (Oh yea.... I don't actually like my minister. I thought I made that clear to him. Guess Not.)

Trying Times

I posted forever ago about a meeting that could/would change my everything. Then it did. Sort of. I've been in limbo, dying to post my updates, but also trying to be cautious and smart about what I am/was publicizing.

Lets do some updates:

1. I have a possible job offer on the table that would relocate me to NYC within the next 90 days.

2. The 'possible' part is in place because at this point, I still need to do a company visit and formally receive an offer and accept it. The only certain point is that I'm the only candidate being considered for this spot.

3. The position was being fast-tracked until this week. The executive that was going to be managing my division (he was also the last person I interviewed with) is no longer with the company. Fast-track brought to a halt.

4. Yes, the position is still mine for the taking. However, there are some bigger hurdles that have to be handled first. (Praying on this one).

5. I am part-time at job 1 (yes I did resign from my former role, but did agree to do some part-time work to help transition the division). However, based on some convos I think the temporary part of my 'part-time-ness' escaped my boss. I'll have to nip that in the bud.

6. Job 2 is going wonderfully. I feel like an ogre for even considering leaving. However, as my mother so aptly stated, "They should either hire you, or hire you. Being part-time for months is ridiculous."

OK.....just so that we are now all on the same page I cna go back to blogging "regularly."