Ma, Mom, Mama

I'm late on this book, i know...but...

Mid.night
Sis.ter Soul.jah

"Um.ma is my heartbeat. I love her mo.re than I love myself. I care abo.ut what she thinks and has to say. Easily I would gi.ve my life to save hers. Yet every day I strive t.o stay alive because losing my life would kill her.

As Um.ma's firstborn, and a son, we a.re closer than skin is to flesh. Wit.hout exchanging any words I know many of her thoughts."

---------------

I love to read...it inevitably helps my writing to grow and at the very least gives me the tools to better express my feelings and thoughts.

Reading this passage reminded me of a few things.....#1 Despite it being cliche, I loved 'The Cold.est Win.ter Ev.er' and I'm equally in love with 'Mid.night.' (Usually I avoid anything dubbed a gangster love story...but I don't think I have devoured books, by a black author, like this since my Mildred Taylor run. I just appreciate how the books don't seem to reach. It isn't my world, but it isn't (in my opinion) a cheesy interpretation of of black love, man's ignorance, family, etc.)

#2 I'm fascinated by Islam and how Muslim principles dictate life/family/responsibility. The first few chapters of this book establishes how gender roles are not a burden per se but are the basis for strong relationships and families. I also, despite my 'pro-feminism' exterior, feel really strongly about men standing up and being the back-bone of a family (sigh: everytime I express that I feel like I'm setting women back...anywho) and therefore handling the responsibilities therein. Mid.night's unwavering sentiments for his mother are a direct result of his father's influence.

#3 There is something so very special about the relationship between a man and his mother (or the woman in his life that is most like his mother). Let me clarify...some men, are still seemingly on a 'night bottle' and can't move forward with their lives because their relationship with their mother is a crutch. I'm not talking about that. While mother-in-laws (i'll use that term generally) tend to get a bad wrap, I will run like hell if I meet a man who doesn't have a strong relationship with his mother/grandmother/aunt/lady down the street that looked out for him etc. I'm not idealistic...they aren't perfect and get annoying, but without a relationship like that, there seems to be an irreparable void in a man's development. The way that you learn about love is the way that you give and require your love.

Case in point...despite my reservations about sweet's mom(and his occassional resvervations), their relationship 'sealed the deal' for our relationship. Hmm...that might be news to him....Anywho, I met his mom on his birthday shortly after we started dating. I don't 'do' moms...I get along with dads wonderfully, but moms I try and avoid like the plague (its a dani issue). So I was apprehensively trying to get out of meeting his mom and he hit me with the.."part of what I want to do for my birthday is to visit my mom and i'd really like you to meet her." ***Face/Guilt***

I remember walking in the house and she was so excited to see him. I remember very distinctly the bear hug that he gave her and the look on their faces. I remember how, while she and I talked shoes, he was busy working on a 'fix this list.' I remember how she watched him and how proud she looked. Their relationship isn't storybook by any stretch, but despite whatever issues they may have, there is a bond there that is amazing. Seeing that..witnessing those moments...put everything in perspective for me and made me realize how much I cared and loved him. Maybe that was his plan.....hmmm....it worked (damn it!)

Happy Friday!

Soul Mate

Br.ida

Pa.ulo Coelho

Back Cover...

"But how will I know who my Soulmate is?"


"By taking risks," Wicca said to Brida.
"By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion,
but never ceasing in your search of love.
As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end"

The Obvious

I hate when people make it a point to give you obvious information, as if they are doing you a favor. In addition...I hate stupidity....its just a painful combination all around.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dani: Brother, please put item 'x' in my car. The motor for the passenger side lock isn't working, just a heads up.

Brother: Ok, will do

(Later that day)

Brother: Hey did you know that there is something wrong with your passenger side door?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dani: (Walking in the house from the gym)

Mother: Dani...did you know that you gained weight?

Dani: (indescribable look)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dani: I need to request off from Good Friday to Easter Sunday

Scheduler: Easter is Sunday this year?

Dani: (indescribable look)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holiday Time

As I'm working out coverage regarding an airline crash that happened this morning, a reporter on television said...."this is a busy time as this is the holiday season..." and I smiled.

Lent and the Easter season, in general, marks my favorite time of year(no seriously, flying home for Easter was serious business in undergrad). Not only are there not a barrage of corny songs on the radio, but the its a holiday season that requires patience, dedication, and discipline all of which culminates nicely into a glorious Easter celebration (read: party).

Confused? Here's a quick run-down. Today is.....

What is Ash Wednesday?

*Ash Wednesday- Marks the beginning of Lent
*Lent- 40 day period before Good Friday
*Good Friday- The day Christ was crucified
*Easter- The day Christ resurrected

Why the ashes on the forehead?
In the Bible a mark on the forehead is a symbol of a person's ownership. By having their foreheads marked with the sign of a cross, this symbolizes that the person belonging to Jesus.

Why use ashes?
1. Because ashes are a biblical symbol of mourning and penance
2. They also symbolize death and remind us of our mortality.

You may have overheard people chatting about what they are 'giving up for Lent.' That is a part the Lenten season. Equally important is what are you adding to your spiritual life? The list of things that I'm giving up this year are actually too numerous to post...BUT it should be well worth it by Easter.

I am adding prayer and devotion (like actually doing them....every day....) to my Lenten schedule.

Let the season begin!

Lyrics

I couldn't get far enough past the singer to really listen to the song....However, thanks to a Brew project I realized that this song, while a bit formal in structure, is so very appropriate right now.

"You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity."

Canvas

"A man is a canvas and life is his painting. Once the canvas has paint on it, it can't be erased. You can paint over the existing painting but it will always be there."

My grandpa said that to me more than 2 yrs ago. At the time he was giving me some roundabout feedback about my ex. I think he realized that I needed to either be at peace with all aspects of who he was or just walk away...Eventually I chose the latter.

My canvas is being repainted now, but every once in awhile the new paint has a hard time covering the old paint.

More of this to come....

Nap Time

Convo with the podmate:

Dani: If I go to target and buy a skirt and the zipper is broken I can return it for a refund.
Dani: So if you get pregnant mid-pack of birth control why can't you get a refund?
Podmate: lmao
Podmate:I'm sure you can't get a refund
Dani: What is wrong with society?

After reviewing this convo and the fact that it makes perfect sense to me, I'm nominating myself for a nap.

Tantrum

<----This is your girl...I'm not proud of it, BUT if we are going call a spade a spade then I must admit that I'm having a bratty tantrum moment.

<-----------(sigh)


It's been building up...now its boiling over....

Let us begin.



I spent all day yesterday contemplating a new hair color. Surveyed some friends, got the advice of my sister and decided on a color. I get to church today and my ex's sister who I actually share some basic resemblance with AND a stylist with had the EXACT same color. (She beat me to it! ugh!)

Sigh

Also....I HATE being left out of things....AIM chatrooms, parties, food orders, text convos, parties, notes, events, etc. It is absolutely juvenile and I absolutely should get over it, but I can't. The thing that actually pushes me over the edge is the phrase "you should've been there" It's like a cold dagger to my warm heart.

Sigh

Finally, I do not like to be disappointed. While most people would be put off by someone telling them that they had no expectation regarding them...if you are in my life its probably a blessing in disguise.

If I expect nothing then there is no room for disappointment. Which means if we are tentatively planning "event x" next Thursday and come Wednesday everyone cancels I am not a happy camper.

Again sooo bratty...but I can't shake it.

In the last residual bit of my post qurater life crisis I've been itching for a physical revampment, in lieu, of being able to toss out my mundane reality and revamp that.

So I'm moving forward on my tattoo plans....my hair color plans...I need to figure out a hair cut/style that will work with the curls/waves/tangled mass/blow out/in-between stages.

I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile...I'm going to distract myself with movies and hope that tomorrow will be far less childlike.

Irony is....pt2

Irony is....

**Getting to the courthouse @ 8:15am for your 8 am summons appt.

**Watching nearly 75 people file out of the room between 9am and 11am and another 75 between 1pm and 3:30pm.

**Hearing "all remaining jurors pls report to the front and turn in your badge you've been released."

**Your jury duty ending at 3:45pm when your day job ended at 1pm.

Real World

I don't know when I got 'old.' I'm not having a crisis here, but apparently one day I crossed over from the "fresh-faced youthfulness" of my 20's into the "I see 30 just around the corner."

The realization hit me randomly....I was watching the Real World and realized that I am officially too old to be cast for the show. I'm 26. Now keep in mind when I watch the show I always think that most of the cast is older than I am because who in the hell can have that many issues before 25? Apparently they can.

Went to the ladies' doctor this time around and she gently reminded me that I need to make a decision about the HPV vaccine like yesterday because by my bday (in Sept.) it'll be too late.

Finally, as I sit in jury duty this chick in the computer room made the statement on her cell "dude, there are no young people here its just all of these old folks."

B&!CH!

Sigh then I looked back over her hard scruched, over gelled, ode to pepe le pew white bleached blonde steaked and black hair. I see that she's knee deep on myspace and has a club flyer up. I squint to get past the rave, charlotte russe, baby phat, LEI, bedazzler inspired ensemble and realize that in the two hours that I've been sitting here she's had no business to attend to....Her next phone convo included the following statement, "Bet! Call me when you get home I have a blunt with your name on it..."

Then the phone convo then goes to the club scene...

Young B*tch: "You really should come tonight"
Person on phone: "I dont feel like it."
YB: "Why Not?"
POP: "I don't have no money"
YB: "sh!t I don't have no money either but the flyer said its free so i'm going up there and i'm not taking any money and they better let me in."

Pause....her name i kid you not is Becky.....sigh....ok well hell maybe I am old then because her foolishness was just aggravating. Like I prayed for the second intervals in which she stopped talking to just breathe. It was like a moment of heaven each time.


It's official I'm old and crotchety. (sigh)

Roll Call

Apparently....my own sister developed a blog and didn't feel like sharing...hmmm....no matter....I see how we'll have to do this.....

If you have a blog....pls reply with the URL...Id love to share in your writing fabulousness

Irony Is....

Irony is....

*Never being without a Mac notebook (in some form or fashion) since 2003 and getting called to Jury Duty the one week that yours is getting repaired.

*Waking up at 5am with vigor only to get sleepy at 6am and sleep until 7:30am when you are supposed to report to Jury Duty at 8am.

*Having $25 in cash in your car's arm rest and $3 in your purse, when all of the vending machines and cafes are 'cash only.'

*Being able to put together a perfect outfit, down to the shoes, when you don't have time to shower or do your makeup, but when you have all the time in the world you can never find anything to wear.

*Free Coffee with $.25 creamer

*Being located in a jury assembly room just outside of the office that you've sent in a job application to no less than 20 times in the last two years.

*Passing a bathroom this morning, but not feeling like going and now having to tinkle...but not wanting to lose your computer to another jury member that is hovering just outside the room.

*Sending out a scathing email chastising your staffmembers for losing their weekend schedules and then realizing that yours is on your notebook that has been turned in for repair.

*Taking your company notebook to the Apple store in the same mall as your job 2 and then being told that they only way the repair can be paid for is by company credit card or check, which means the boss that you've been hiding your second job from will have to drive from his city 25 min. north to the other mall to pay for your repairs. Oh yea...there was a apple store at the mall located 5 min away from the office(that I'm too lazy to work from).

*Scheduling a 7:30pm session with your cousin to work on his online college applications and having your internet at home go down at about 7pm and being told it won' t be back up until 7pm the following evening and having it come back up 3 hours later...once you've already left home frustrated and disgusted.

*Still having to tinkle....

*Encouraging the people that you KNOW have been reading and loving your other half's blog to not only tell you how much they like it, but to go ahead and formally comment on his blog so that he'll know that they are in fact enjoying it and then having him be less than thrilled that you solicited comments.

*Sitting at a computer desk with a keyboard drawer that is 2 inches too low so you're legs can't fit under it and you're losing feeling in your leg.

*Finally having your magazines and books that you've been dying to read and time to read them and not wanting to

*Having only a banana and milk for b-fast since you had $3 and getting heartburn. Meanwhile when you had a full McDonald's bfast earlier in the week you felt fantastic.

*Relinquishing your computer knowing full well that you may not get back to it in this century


*Oh yes! one more....Reading the wires that Rihanna's bruised pics (the official ones) were unofficially released and seeing all of the white gossip outlets (TMZ not included) refuse to post them since victims of domestic abuse are guaranteed privacy but getting the full close up shot from the black media outlets....sigh...

Your Duty

Ok so the 'jury duty' demons have finally gotten ahold of me. Ugh! To add insult to injury, I'm serving on a Friday...who does that???

Thankfully, I have access to some computers (esp since my ntbk--which never leaves my side is being repaired). So since I'm new to this whole process I just have a few items of contention that I wanted to share....

#1...It is 2009 correct? So why is it that the cafeteria and lounge area food shop only accepts cash? Or you can take your chances with this machine pictured below. The characters on the screen looks mighty DOS-ish. Reminds me of atari....hell Oregon Trails looked more high-tech than this ATM relic. (pause...if you have no clue what 'Oregon Trails' is you are officially not an 80s baby and you should refrain from reading anything else that I post...ever...or you can google it..sigh)

#2 OK....so while you wait in the juror holding cell you can watch movies....(WTF? is this what tax payers money covers?) OK...movies...seems promising.

First up....

Huh???? Damn this is going to be a long day.

#3....Did you know that if your employers refuse to pay you while you're serving your jury duty sentence (didn't know they had an option) that you can appeal for compensation from the clerk's office?

Do you know how much they pay?

$15......a day.

In 2009???????????????????? What in the hell do you do with $15/day?

I'm done.

Date Night

So as my guide to all things vapid in the twenty-something world aptly put...my life has also been reduced to small victories/joys.

Clean clothes, a blow-out, mani & pedi, perfect caramel to macchiato ratio, bravo marathons, denim with 2% of lycra, acceptable make-up contouring to down-play the double-chin, a walk through a well stocked/clean/well-staffed target are some of the little things that bring me absolute glee.

As of late, I've really enjoyed sporadic date nights. Sweets has random days off in the week. I am, however, a slave to the Monday-Friday grind. So I spend all week waiting for the weekend then I #1 either over-exert myself by cramming everything possible into the weekend and I feel like hell by Monday or #2 I'm so tired from the week that I waste the entire weekend not moving and then I feel like I wasted the weekend and I'm mad on Monday. There isn't even a modicum of sanity in either set-up, but that's my life/reality.

So to use the 'grown-card' that Brew makes reference to all the time...I've been trying to take advantage of Sweets' mid-week free time and make date night plans.

Last night was a splendid combination of


and....dinner & drinks. There is something so fulfilling about throwing caution to the wind and breaking up the tedium of the sleep, work, home, sleep routine that befalls the working world.

The movie was a glorious combination of awe-inspiring architecture, amazing shots, a breath-taking score, Audi shots(I have a penchant for Audis), suspense, Clive Owenness, modern furniture, continuity of theme, smart editing, a lack of obvious action sequences, and an unexpected ending. I left the theater floating and so 'worked up' that dinner and drinks were in order. I fell into an instant coma with cakes and 4 hours later I made it to work...on time....ha! I've officially 'stuck it to the man' I squeezed Saturday fun into a Wednesday night in the suburbs. Until I return to city-living, I'll relish my small victories.

Thankful

So as I'm checking my news sites, gossip sites, email, blogs, hanging up my clothes and drinking coffee(yes this is my normal routine between 4:50-6am), I paused to think about some of the blessings that have been bestowed on my life.

I thought back to an email that I sent to Ana last night which touched on the fact that when my last relationship ended so did many of my 'friendships.' I giggle to myself this morning because although I've missed some invites to outings, I feel less alone than I did when I was in that relationship.

Have you ever been in the middle of a dinner party or a room filled with people and still felt alone?

I was intimately familiar with that feeling and I realize now why that was the case. Those people were 'friends by association.' We had great times and good convo, but it was a facade. It took being stripped of those moments/people for me to really realize how not alone I am.

I've got amazing friends. Even though no one but Ana and Sweets lives here full-time, I don't feel alone anymore.

I appreciate all of you that accept me as the "text, don't call"...."occasionally falls off the face of the planet"...."will eat your food...and go back for seconds"...."will listen to all of your problems, but may not share my own"..."may or may not actually give you the gift that I purchased for you"...."will dani-wiggle throughout your space"...."will insert a lewd/sarcastic/inappropriate/timely/sanctified comment(reference, joke, Bible verse, sermon)where possible in every convo"...."cries if you cry, so if you cry I'll try to leave"..."will switch moods like I change my draws(too much? hmm)"..."may or may not see you for 5 years at a time"... person that I am.


I appreciate everyone that has not only been there for me, but has taken the time to get to know, insult, interrogate, and embrace my Sweets. All in all, I'm just thankful for having such a great group of people in my life. So I will finish my coffee and go get ready for my day..but thanks Ana for prompting this reflection...and Madam Hearts thanks for the Bday present that makes my morning coffee look so good :)

(Caption: 'Life is Good on Cloud Shayne')

Gifts

I like gifting...let me restate...I love gifting. It makes me happy to make you happy and the only draw back ever is what my bank account looks like in the process. However, for a good gift I will go all the way.

The catch? I have a hard time actually getting the gift to the person it is intended for...(scratching head).

I(Brew & I actually) bought my sis a digital camera for Christmas. She has no less than 32 skillion pics on facebook 93.5% of them are pics that she's snapped of herself, by herself. It's hysterical. This girl is not only ridiculously photogenic, but loves to take pics. Find a candid shot....any candid shot everyone else in the shot will be asleep, drunk, fighting, disinterested, eyes closed, half-dead, but she will be the one person in the shot looking right @ the camera with a photo-ready glamour shot pose. That is my sister. So for her to not have a digital camera didn't make sense. So that's what she got for Christmas......sigh....so she has never actually used her camera. I borrowed it for the inauguration (since she usually uses her b/f's camera anyway). Inauguration was 1/20....its now 2/18...the camera is in my purse (sigh).


Sweets and I have gifts for Brew and the McKenzies....the frickin gifts are in the car...chillin...just riding around for about a month. It's completely illogical. There is some sort of breakdown between gift buying, packaging, and actually getting it to the individual.

Ok I'm done. Have a good morning.

I don't know what feeling to follow....

So I love his mom. Instant kindred spirits. Its such an uncanny feeling.

So what's the problem?

There was a situation where while she smiled in my face there were some not nice things said once I left the room.

Ok...so that's life and things like that happen. So my natural reaction is to be on-guard and keep her at a distance. However her niceness is disarming. She makes you feel instantly welcome. She like a glass of your favorite wine. You tell stories around her that you didn't mean to tell. You open up in ways you didn't anticipate.

He swears that she loves me. But I can't get past the past. I'm always so confused when we leave her place because we have such a good time.

I'm usually a good judge of character....this one has me flabbergasted...truly. He regrets telling me about the conversation that he overheard (thats when the not so nice things were said), but had he not told me I think that would've made things worse.

Sorry I'm being so vague here in terms of what was said & when but the details aren't blogger appropriate.

The end result is I don't know which feeling to acknowledge. Do I try to maintain some distance there and dismiss the fact that I like her? Or do I dismiss what happened as a misstep and work on strengthening that relationship? I don't plan on going anywhere so the reality is we'll ultimately be in each other's lives for an indefinite amount of time. Also, to be clear the distance that I maintain is not to be confused with rudeness. He loves his mom and I would never be disrespectful to her.

Sorry if this seems like I'm rambling... the mobile blogging feature is both a blessing and a curse....I'm done. I'm sure this will just be one post of many abt this topic.

Let the Games Begin....

Sweets has an important Bday in July ( although...i guess any year that you make it through is important). However, it's time to get rolling on the planning. I've got no clue if it will be big or small, but as always the only thing I'm concerned about is having good people and a good time. I am the world's worst planner. However, I will stretch that muscle this time around and see how it goes. Wish me luck. If you want to be a part of the festivities(or if you have suggestions) let me know via email. Since sweets reads this blog regularly this will be my last obvious post abt the planning.


Let the games begin!

Disclaimer

So the genius @ the genius bar confirmed that my beloved computer needs some serious work, so I may be scarce this week.

Reason 32,987 that I need to move

My brother is a trash compactor. He's not a small guy by any stretch of the imagination, but some things are just ridiculous.

For instance, Friday night Sweets and I ordered Chinese food...very reminiscent of this scene...


Lucy Kelson: [on the phone] Hi, Mr. Wong, it's Lucy Kelson. I need one No. 13, two No. 7's...
Lucy Kelson: I need three No. 8's, no garlic...
Lucy Kelson: I need one No. 7 and...
Lucy Kelson: ...and a No. 11, please.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So....not only did we order a gaggle of food for ourselves, but I ordered some for the brother as well.....Fast forward to Monday morning....there is not a trace of Chinese food anywhere in the house. I'm incredulous. WTF? Where did my food go? (sigh)...Who am I kidding...I know where it went.....




Now I must slay him...excuse me.

Lets Get Down To Business...

Now that I've gotten the 'feel good' post out of the way...lets get down to business......

There were a few visual discrepancies that we came across while @ the gardens....and umm....yea I'd just like to discuss, if you will, these items of concern/contention.

Issue 1


Ok.....If you are unable to properly ascertain, the the various gardens are connected by a gravel walkway.

<--------This young lady pranced (i chose that word intentionally) through the gardens no less than 3 times in these heels.

PRANCED AND WITH A SWITCH....

Now I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, maybe she just does heels. Well what this picture fails to capture, is the fact that the lining of the shoe is spilling over the side. So one can assume that while she may 'do' heels...they aren't 'doing' her. By the way...she was solo....chatting on the phone the entire time. So...no...she wasn't 'fresh' for her date...she just looked crazy. Sit down somewhere! (sigh)

Issue 2



<-----That ladies and gents is a bonafide cloth scrunchi....circa '94. I got nostalgic instantly when I saw it....and sad...because its '09.








Issue #3

Now there was an entire 'goth' crew traipsing about the premises. Note that everyone is wearing sandals, shorts and such. However, in true goth fashion the crew was totally decked out in black trenches, lace gowns, black tights, black makeup.....except for one member of the crew..... I guess she decided to be weather appropriate?









<----I've never, in all of my days seen a goth mid-driff...ever...ever...this one left me flabbergasted...





Next up....

If you look in the bottom left portion of the pic you see the leg of a woman...she and her husband in their mid-thirties, early forties jumped apart from each other when they heard us coming around the corner.....ooo so not slick...wonder what they were doing behind the bamboo....'sight-seeing' perhaps?


Guess not....Sweets' face says it all.....

Finally....so sweets (bless his heart) doesn't do domestic 'creature water.' So if we are getting in an ocean we need to be in another country and lakes/ponds/rivers are out of the question. So thankfully this closed out our trip. As we were exiting the gardens this woman was beside herself and as soon as she saw us she jumped up and down and asked what was in the water....(she said she was from NY and couldn't be sure...)

So we glanced over the dock and saw.....




Time to go.

One Down....Forever To Go

Valentine's Day was a smashing success....



Morikami was even more beautiful and enjoyable than I could even imagine.




However....it paled in comparison to other views that I saw while I walked through the gardens....Namely this one.....




Yeeeaaaa! Looking good sweets!


How & ever, I can't really put a finger on exactly what made the weekend so enjoyable...besides the obvious good time. It felt like a mini-vacation of sorts, but truth be told..I'm so tired! I am incredibly glad that all went well and we had such a fantastic time. One down....forever to go :)

He is Delusional....

Sweets worries that he is lacking in the romance department...he is delusional. He scampered out this morning and came back with lillies and a smile. Then he left again and reappeared with my fav...pancakes!

Note: Sweets cooks breakfast....I just eat it.

I think that his ideas of what I'm looking for romantically are much more inflated than my actual ideas.

I'm pleased as punch and we are heading off to Morikami for some sushi & fun and then its basketball time! Happy Vday!

Lie If You Want To....

I keep reading/hearing/witnessing anti-valentine's day sentiments and I don't get it.....The commercialized, fabricated day while an imposition, at most, forces those that love/are in love/want love to think about romance and relationships.

What is so wrong with that?

Idk about you, but I'm often too wrapped up in work, life, obligations etc. To dig up my romantic side. I think about romance, but get too busy to follow through.

I appreciate a day of obvious love gestures.

Do you remember how you felt when someone checked the "yes" box on a "do you like me card?"

Remember passing out paper V-day cards and candy to classmates and getting one from the cute kid in the class?

Remember when you ended up talking/kissing/sitting with a crush on a class trip?

Its precious....albeit obvious, commercialized, and an imposition...but take a second and look past those things to enjoy the person/people that you love.

Then and Now....

It's the 100th Post...So I decided to take a look back at my very first post, which wasn't very long ago. I remember exactly how I felt typing those words.
----------------

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Growth

Having a clear cut idea about your path and the direction of your life is the most dangerous thing that can happen to you. I'm sure that you are now scratching your head and probably in full DISagreement with me, but to me....having your life detour when you don't have any idea where you're heading anyway can be pleasant. Having it detour when you thought you knew exactly where you were going can be distressing.

The Detour...is where this blog begins.

Posted by DaniColoredGlasses at 9:55 AM

--------------------------------------------------

I'm acutely aware at this moment of how great it feels to be able to write exactly what I'm thinking/feeling every day. I had stopped writing for almost two years. I was completely without poetic ability, devoid of the repartee that happens when I see something funny and want to share it with those close to me--with my own spin on it, completely unable to muster that side of myself.

Hmm....thanks to everyone who has read my blog thus far and commented on my Dani-isms. You've helped me to rekindle danicoloredglasses.

Morning Gem

Every morning I start my day with coffee or tea and I skim the black gossip pages to get myself all caught up. Yesterday there were pics of Kelly Rowland's Bday party.

As I'm going through the pics and talking to Brew, I couldn't help but comment that Kelly blew Bey out the water in all of the pics.

Not that Bey looked bad...she just looked....tired.

So Brew diplomatically says: "Well it was Kelly's bday what do you expect?"

I reply: "Please be fly at my party. Just know that I will outshine you, but that shouldn't hinder your efforts."

Brew: (Laughter)

Without thinking I then reply: "You don't have to step back for me to step forward."

Dani(thinking): "oooooo I like that!"

Brew: "That should be on a t-shirt."

Dani: "I'm going to put it on the blog"

Enjoy!

Words

So one of my writers posted an article this morning with the word 'retarded' in the title. Some of our clients balked and ultimately the CEO decided that the article should be changed to something more...compassionate.

It became my job to discuss the matter with the writer. However, his use of the word was not incorrect. By definition the word is sound and when used to reference the medical condition its acceptable.

However, the connotation of the word is something more difficult to explain.

We are in a dangerous practice of limiting our words, censoring thoughts, broadening empathy, making allowances, etc. for what is 'acceptable' and 'compassionate.'

When does that go too far?

Mr. Collins

Every few posts I'm a bit downtrodden. Mr. Collins (a really great friend from the one and only HU) recommended a book for me to read. While I couldn't get my hands on the book he recommended, I checked out another one by the same author and stumbled on this gem.

Thank you Mr. Collins...

"The Devil & Miss Pry.m"
By: P.aulo Co.elho

"She had just realized there were two things that prevent us from achieving our dreams: believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expected it.

"For at that moment, all our fears suddenly surface: the fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, the fear of a life full of new challenges, the fear of losing forever everything that is familiar."

"People want to change everything and, at the same time, want it all to remain the same."

In your eyes...

I've never seriously dated a man that I couldn't see myself marrying. Not to say that they were all perfect, but in each of them there were qualities that I respected, cherished, and thought were befitting of a husband.

I'm methodical when it comes to dating. Never been big on 'casual dating.' (ok there are some exceptions there-but not many)

In my mind the end goal is marriage & family. Dating is part of the equation that will yield the desired end result. Thusly, if you don't fit the bill, you don't get to be a part of the equation.

I don't think I'm alone in my methodical thinking. I've spoken to many a man that has categories for the women they encounter. Some are great for sex, cooking, meeting the family, right now, forever, laundry skills, arm candy, etc.

So I'm comforted in the fact that I'm not alone.

I bring this up because not long after I met sweets it struck me that he'd be an amazing father. That was a first for me. I've never skipped to the family aspect before in my character assessments. It didn't take long to realize that there were things that he wanted for his own children that he felt he missed in his own childhood. But it was more than that....there is something in his eyes...a sense of purpose..like a mental checklist of things to get in order not so much for himself, but to 'get right' so that he can be the best father/husband possible.

He made a point pretty early in our relationship that one of the best things a father can do is to be a great husband.

As Ana would say....

**FACE**

Touche' ( I wasn't ready for that proclamation--I agree...I just didn't expect him to put it out there...)

Blogging overload....

Sorry for the kachillion posts today. The music has taken me away.

Notice? Please.....

Gift giving, in theory, is a gesture from the heart. In reality, gift-giving is about bragging rights. Guys step up to plate for Valentine's Day so that when their lady, jump-off, wife, cleaning lady, etc. chats it up with her girlfriends she will report wonderfulness.

Likewise...if your guy catches wind that your close friend/sister/mother/co-worker etc is about to be proposed to, there is an automatic "gulp" moment. Why? Because while your girl is completing her own obligatory squeal about her close friend/sister/mother/co-worker's ring she will be painfully aware of her own ashy and bare ring finger.

Life is a competition....gift-giving is no different.

So imagine my surprise when my own sister enters a 9th inning gift for her b/f without warning me. My own flesh and blood!

Her original Christmas gift to her sweetie was a series cooking classes. He loved it. Apparently he had a class conflict with the gift so she returned it and got him a ipod touch instead. (SIGH).

Oh and it was engraved.............really?

I loathe you right now......so not only is the gift newer since it was a replacement, but what man doesn't go 'ga-ga' over a new tech toy?

Sweets is lusting...i feel it.

Thanks sis :)

Sidemeat....

My side meat and back meat have been teleconferencing recently. The transcript from the conversation reveals that while they know they aren't welcome with open arms, I'm not breaking my neck to make them go away either.

I don't understand what has happened to me.....

Mr Collins weighs in on all things male and when I told him that my back & side meat are now more prominent parts of my Dani-ness he replied: As long as Shayne is happy....(that's sweets).

Sweets has no qualms...I just like to hold myself to unattainable standards--like most women.

Hmm...then I read more into this whole 'fiasco.'

The crime in this pic isn't the weight....I just don't like the outfit. As a black woman, I realize that there are different standards of acceptable weight, thickness, shape etc. than there are in the white community. Point blank...

But then I saw something in all of the news flack and I thought of Mr Collin's comment instantly:

"Singer Nick Lachey defends his ex-wife, Jessica Simpson, from criticism that the once-svelte reality-TV and pop star has packed on a few too many pounds."

Also...

"Tony Romo seems to have no complaints...."

----

Sweets hates any weight related self deprecation.....HATES.... I guess I'll get over it all or get rid of the sidemeat...either way it seems to be my issue...lol...like most things.

Ok...Every once in awhile....

I did rant on Bey earlier this year. Again, let it be known...I like her music, I just have some issues with her 'packaging.' Every album there is one song that speaks to me specifically. I'm a mess...point blank...I'm a joyous mess if you can ride it out, but I wouldn't date me. Correction--I would date me...I would just date other, SANEr people on the side.

Every time I hear this song...it perfectly summarizes my confusion on why Sweets is such a happy man....

Song of the day:

"Flaws And All"

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you [3x]

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that's exactly what I mean.

Yep....good job on that one Bey.

Challenge!

A friendly convo revealed something amusing....My sister and I will probably be hitting the altar @ the same time. Not a joint wedding per se, but ready to take that step @ around the same time..over the next 2-3 years.

(sigh)

LOL....let the games begin!

Just cuz....

I sized up my other half yesterday. Estimated the amount of things I could use as a weapon to take him out. Flexed my bicep to make sure it was still working. Reminded myself of his tickle points. Stared him down with the right eye. Checked to make sure I had his momma's number in my phone. Mapped all exit routes...yep....because while I've come to realize that he'd shoot his own foot to keep me from getting a paper cut I like to be prepared.

I don't know what in the hell is going on in the world right now.

Chris and Rihanna?

"As we reported, the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer’s face — there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers."

------

Hmm....i don't see one report stating that Chris is missing an eye, some teeth, can only use one leg, has a brick imprint in the back of head, heel mark on his forehead...I'm perplexed. He escaped the scene on foot....hmmm..again no reports that she tried to run him down with his rented lambo....As a card carrying Caribbean woman, I don't understand....Hmm...

I'll keep checking back for updates.

Pain in Pictures

I have a love and hate relationship with facebook albums. A few days ago, I stumbled on holiday pics that included some of my favorite people and my ex. It reminded, very quickly, how many relationships(well what i thought were relationships---i guess they were really acquaintances) dissolved overnight last year.

You ever see those television episodes where someone says "I wish I was never born!" Then the entire episode shows them what the world would be like without them? That's what the pics were like. It was the world...well formerly my world...without me in it. My friends, my favorite haunts, past times etc. with everyone in it but me.

I had a bratty moment, a relapse of sorts. I genuinely hated the fact that it was business as usual, sans yours truly.

It makes absolutely no sense, but it was genuinely how I felt.

I'll call it a temporary lapse of judgment. Momentary weakness. I'm back now. Damn albums!

Happiness in Music...

Due to my computer woes I've had to delete iTunes from my computer. I still have my music on my iPod and backed up on dvd's, but when I want to just jam out in the office or @ home without the headphones my computer is of no help.

I remembered that Ash used to jam out to some web-based station so I hit her up and Pandora has brought me back to my rightful place of contentment.

Today's playlist:

Energy-Keri Hilson
Jesus take the wheel-Carrie Underwood
Hometown Glory-Adele
Mississippi Girl-Faith Hill
What a wonderful thing love is-Al Green
I know-Jay-z
Nice and Slow-Usher


I'm off to clean and shoulder shimmy!

Grammy's!!!!

I broke my neck to get home in time for the Grammy's!!!!! I'm already, let the games begin!

Chasing Pavements.....

I fell in love with this song more than a year ago. It is the complete representation of the on-going battle that was breaking me down for a better portion of the beginning of 2008....my how things can change. I just saw the video again and I was flooded with the guilt and emotions that still haunt me. Oh, not guilt and emotions in the way that you're probably thinking...I feel guilty for not being strong enough to say point blank... "I'm not fulfilled." I feel like I wasted my ex's time and my own with my indecision. But, I guess things happen as they are supposed to...

Enjoy.....






When I started to tell everyone about this song the one question I kept getting was "what does it mean?"

I'll let Adele tell you herself. Adele describes ‘Chasing Pavements’ as “It’s me being hopeful for a relationship that’s very much over. The sort of relationship you hate when you’re in it, but miss when you’re not."


Thankfully the latter portion of that statement is minimal.

Hmm...now the song is seemingly applicable about the work/life aspect of... my life. Time to get up and get moving.

Morning Rambling....Rumbling

I did finally fall asleep. I've been up now since 4:55 am, pretending to work. Instead of napping for the first hour as I normally do I wanted to get out some of my early morning grumblings, but I needed a picture to do so.

......Found it......

My macbook pro has been out of commission since the Superbowl. Most of my major applications: Safari, Mail, itunes, iphoto, photobooth, Software Update, and the DVD player will not load. At all. Instead there is some sort of laborious whirling noise and the app just bounces in the dock. (sigh)

I've tried everything......final conclusion a corrupt disk.


So I took the computer to the genius bar at the local Mac store.





<-----This is what it looked like in the store.







There were a bevy of blue shirts all swarming around waiting for something to do.

The orange shirt lady asked me if I needed help and I said yes. I told her that I needed some tech support and asked to have my name put on the list.

She proceeds to look up available slots and states: "The next available appointment is Monday at 5pm."

Current Day & Time: Thursday 5pm


***Blank Stare****

Really???

Ugh..so aggravating. You couldn't staff the store better? I mean, what in the world is the purpose of having a staff that resembles the size of the entire 300 army and you only have one technician scheduled at a time? It reminds me of one of my least favorite places to be.....

Ok, so generally, I don't like lines. However, there is a special tier of purgatory (i'm sure) fashioned in the exact likeness of a Walmart check out line. There are always 3 people working the register and 82 lanes that could be open. Which means the chance of me standing behind Dante, as he eats the wing pieces from his whole rotisserie chicken-- that he picked up after buying draws , batteries, car oil, and diapers--has been heightened...significantly.

**Sigh**

I know...this is an ungodly amount of angst for it to be so early in the morning. Reason being? While looking for a Mac Store image, I stumbled across this picture....

Why is this what popped up?????WHY?????????? So of course, why wouldn't I be ravenous for a full meal @ 4:55am? Logical right? Here's the catch......My breakfast options in the kitchen right now are water and/or honey bunches of oats cereal.

Hence the angst

I'm done.

Bed Vs. Sleep

Lying in bed....can't seem to find sleep. I'm wound up over Greys and Private Practice. I could've turned off the tv but I didn't want to be left with my thoughts....ugh!!!!!!! So now my big toe is twitching and I could need a hug, could be having a seizure, could have an inoperable tumor, could need a bedazzled backpack with a heart machine in it, could be in love and unable to talk about it.

Damn the medical shows!!!!!

Oh and the kicker....tonight's grey's/private practice crossover show wasn't really the cross-over. Next week is the 2 hour event with both casts in Seattle Grace hospital. I can't deal. Where is my sleep????

Connected

I take on the emotions of those closest to me. It allows me to be empathetic, but it also leaves me emotionally drained. Today its more of the latter. I can't take on any more bad days, I've spent too much of my week fighting off my own.

Grey's is on but I put it on mute once the child with the heart condition started to have complications. I watched Miranda cry over one almost dead child last episode and I can't do it again.

Hmm...executive decision? I'm going to bed. Hmmm....actually I haven't checked email in forever, I may do that then...wait I'm lying...I'm just going to bed.

Chat with you tomorrow.

New Sleeves

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Hard to believe I suppose since I try to be devoid of all obvious emotion. However, my sensitivity level is unbelievable and I care immensely--to a fault--about everything/everyone.

I'm frustrated by the way things are unfolding in my life and more so frustrated that they are unfolding and I'm not the one actively manipulating those things.

Happy? yes. In love? yes. At peace? perhaps.

What more could one ask for?

Courage.

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

It's a question that haunts me to this day. If I wasn't afraid. If I didn't care. If I wasn't concerned about what was being said or thought. If protocol and "right" and "wrong" weren't the puppeteer strings guiding my every move...what would I do?

I don't even know.

I'm devoid of a want and plan.

Maybe its just a bad day. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Maybe.

One thing is certain, I'm tired. I'm listlessly floating from one day to the next. I can feel that I'm in search of something, but unable to name or attain it. I'm tired of the wanting. I'm tired of filling my reality with temporary bouts of contentment to overshadow what is missing from the 'big picture.'

I need new sleeves. I'd like to remove my heart and wear instead courage.

Tissue Paper Diaries

Ok soooo my a$$ is out...literally. I'm sitting in the doctor's office wearing a tissue paper ensemble with my a$$ peaking from betwixt said ensemble. I can hear the voice of a girl I went to high school with right outside.

What are the odds?

So the scale crossed over to a new side today. Numbers I haven't ever seen, ever. Flashed before me and I just gasped. My blood pressure is great....umm....ok but according to the scale I have a Buick strapped to my now cold a$$.

The nurse leaves me for a moment.....

Now my tissue paper top opens to the front so that "my ladies" can be checked. The bottom portion I've taped together....(dont leave me with office supplies).

I've put on socks so now I feel like Bill Bellamy in the 2Pac video....(Toss it up--I think).

I forgot my phone in my purse, so I hop off the table to grab it. Then I take a flying leap to get back up on the table....(rip)...damn! There goes the tissue paper covering. One tear isn't the end of the world I guess. I scoot down to get to the edge of the table....(rip)....sh!t...there goes my makeshift skirt.

To avoid looking crazy I jump up to grab a new tissue paper bottom coverer(RIP!!!!). Oh hell, I've now taken the entire table cover off the table.

So now I need to re-cover the table. But I can't do that and hold the bottom coverer.....Bare a$$ or Bare table??? Ugh I don't know where that table has been. So I drop the bottom coverer and pull the tissue paper back over the table.

(Light Knock) Ugh the nurse is back!!! So I throw my Buick on to the table and meekly say "come in."

She takes one look and my torn tissue duds, red face, hears my panting, surveys the once-again torn table cover and just shakes her head.

See...this is why I get extra dressed up for my appts so that before and after the tissue paper I at least look like a contributing member of society.

Sigh

So the nurse comes inwith my file...

Nurse: "are you married?"
Dani: (thinking: same answer its been for the last 6 years) "No"
Nurse: "oh...single"
Dani: (silence)
Nurse: "dating anyone?"
Dani: "yes"
Nurse(seemingly more chipper):"how long?"

Dani: "Less than a year"
Nurse: "any pain to report?"
Dani: "no"
Nurse: "pregnancies?"
Dani: "huh? No?"
Nurse: (jotting notes) "mmhmm"

(what in the hell does mmhmmm mean?)

The nurse leaves and as she is walking out some fine delivery man walks by. The chilled crack of my Buick waved @ him...Im sure....(sigh)

Finally I see the dr.

**Whew**

All over ...back in my clothes...almost to the front office door when I hear...."hey dani!"

(Damn!) High school friend caught me.....sigh....I would think this was a fluke but the last time I went to the dr. My co-worker ran up on me later that day and said..."I didn't know we see the same dr!!! (heifer, why would you know that?)....I saw your name on the sign-in sheet."

Again....I have to move.

Hearts...Chocolate... AND WINGS???

Sweets expressed that romance isn't his strong point. As someone who is in love with being in love that should worry me, right? Not at all. I smile when he questions his ability to be romantic. I don't think that he realizes how romantic his small gestures are and how much they mean to me.

So the great decider of romance is around the corner. Valentine's Day is usually do or die time for the male species. This will be our first one.....we were going back and forth about what we wanted to do until I saw this......











<----------All-Star Weekend??? Dunk Contest???? Seriously???









(sigh) Ok...so I don't want to ruin the man's plans. But I can think of no better way to spend the weekend than laying in bed and watching the goodness on tv (short of being there in person). I know deep down how much he loves basketball, so i figured it would be great for the both of us, right?? So I mustered up the courage and said....

Dani: Can we just spend Vday in bed watching the All-Star Game Dunk Contest?
Sweets: What makes you think that I didn't already have plans?
Dani: I didn't think that per se.....I'm just telling you what I'd like to do
Sweets: (Pause) we can do that
Dani: (Smiles) Great!
(long pause)
Sweets: I think I may love you even more for suggesting that
Dani: I know


So....I think its settled. Bring on the wings and it'll be a Happy Valentine's Day indeed!

30 Rocks?

I asked sweets how he could be so sure about our plan to move and kick-start a new chapter in our lives. I always worry about the details because I understand, all to well, that things are never the same if you have to take a step back. So I try to do enough planning to avoid room for error/failure.

Sweets prophetically stated, "things can't get much worse than they are now."

Hmm....touche'

Let me not paint the picture that things are dire, but in my own realm, I can see 30 over the horizons and I'm not ready. I remember just a few years ago still having the disillusionment of what I would accomplish in my 20s. Now my 20s just feel like a continuation of my teens. It feels like I'm reliving the not so great middle school years where you spent most of your time confused and uncertain.

So what would I like to accomplish by 30?

1. Engaged, if not married
2. Living in a metro area
3. Financial stability

When you type those things it seems easy enough. So why have I spent the first 6 yrs of my 20s floundering?

I'm sure this list will change/grow. I am pleased to have at least started it. We'll see how this goes.

Oh yea.....and as for my more immediate plans. Moving...anywhere. Finding more job stability (sigh good luck with that one).

Also, in honor of my confusing 20s, I've found a new blog to read.

Date Night

Yesterday was rough for me. I do not like it when my tech toys are not working. The computer situation is still sketch, however, I've decided to focus on some other things for the time being. Thankfully, last night got significantly better with a well-timed date night with sweets. Sushi, drinks, and a movie that I've been anxious to see for awhile, put things back in perspective.

Taken was great...although Mr. Neeson is a strong 2,456 years old. It's fine, I still adore him. It was raining when we got out of the movie, which made me smile ( I LOVE the rain). We ended up at our coffee haven and made the barista's night by acting a silly the entire time we were there.

The night ended with a shoulder shimmy/dani wiggle/spirit finger/body roll dance sequence while we drove home and passed out.

So...while my first post yesterday was less than savory, I'm happy to report that the night ended much better.

Have a good morning :)

Today is not the day....

I'm not chatty today. I'm not pleasant. I'm not lovable. I'm not having it.....

I opened my browser last night to view a link and that was all she wrote. My safari, mail, itunes, iphoto....won't open. Luckily, I still have firefox.

I'm not pleased at all. We will retry pleasantries tomorrow.

Victory Is...

Victory is....Not having to clean sweet's place.

Victory is....Not having to do his laundry.

Victory is....Picking the RIGHT TEAM!

Victory is....watching sweets wash and wax my car, while singing me a song.

Victory is.....knowing my car's interior will be pristine.

Victory is.....GLORIOUS :)

Lackluster at best....

So the fun in watching a game happens when its not a blow out....this game has gotten decidedly less exciting.....I mean, my team is still winning...but the fun has diminished.

It's Go Time.....

Yep....Go Steelers!!!!! It's bet time and Sweets has a car wash and wax for me when I win. :)

Gotta Love love :)