Need More People.....

Time to bring some fresh eyes to the blog....if you love it or hate it....share the link with your friends, co-workers, etc. I appreciate everyone that follows, comments, and humors me through my blogdom. :)

Are you "Gellin" ?

A man came into the store last night to try on loafers. He took off his own well-worn shoe, put his foot in the brand new loafer, took two steps and proclaimed that he could feel the side of the shoe alongside his pinky toe and it was uncomfortable.

I wanted to clarify.

I asked him, "Is it squeezing your toe?"

He said, "No, I can just feel it. I'm sure the leather will give as I wear it, but i don't want to wait. I want it to be comfortable from day one."

I smiled as he left the store. Thinking about all of the shoes that I'm willing to wear because they are cute and not comfortable. I have heels that have a 30 minute window. I put them on as I'm approaching a venue, walk in, slide them off as I sit down, and put them back on when it's time to leave. They look GREAT! They feel like hell.

Oh to be a man!

There's a metaphor here, but it's no fun to always be obvious.

Free Association

The next few posts will be me sorting through my thoughts. Be Honest. Be Honest. Be Honest. That is what I'm trying to do as a blogger. Be honest about the not so pretty things on my mind. I pulled the comments option on this post, because I'm just trying to at least get everything in my mind on the screen and then go from there in my own time.

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I have literally no idea what I want to do with my life right now. Point blank. I do know that I want something different, but I don't know how to "define" different. Meaning I don't know what change would make things better.

I'd like to live somewhere else. I can't tell if you if that means move across the street, across town, across the state, or across the country.

I have short-term goals of knocking out some immediate bills to free up money. That should be taken care of by March 1 if not sooner. At that point I will be 7 months with the "temp job" and 3 months into my promotion. Walking away feels like I've totally wasted that time and would make my resume seem like i'm a transient.

Being in D.C. reminded me of my old self. Good and Bad. You can't go back to a certain time and place. Moving back based on nostalgia is a baaad move. Moving back to start a new future seems like a good move.

What happened to ATL? Love, love, love, love it there, but I'm craving a faster pace. While I'm without kiddies, I should probably indulge those cravings right?

So.....piggybacking off my last post. If the mr. wants to be in Miami and I want to be....elsewhere....we have a problem.

Long distance isn't impossible. It's just hard for me. I have a tendency to learn to live without people and it's a hard tendency to overcome. Meaning, I miss you, so I fill my life with other folks and then when it comes time for "us" to be back together there's no longer any room for you. Been there and done that. I'm older now so maybe it would be different, but do I want to hinge things on a maybe?

Could I live in Miami? No clue...I've never spent more than 8 hours there. Never. Ever. Would hate to move to DC only to realize that the change that I needed was a hour and some change south of me...

Ana asked me abt resentment & the relationship......great question, it's on my mind too, next post....

Deal With The Devil(s)

I remember a point at which we were home during the summer with our mom and she had a cold. I remember, not because I'm a caring daughter, but because I remember the deal that struck with me.

The conversation went something like.....

Mom: "Dani come here"
Dani: (walked over to the bed)
Mom: "Watch your sister while I take a nap. Do not answer the door, or the phone. Do not go outside. Do not turn on the stove. Do not burn down the house. Put in a movie and play with your sister quietly. Make a sandwich if you are hungry and make sure you take your nap on time. I'm trusting you to be a big girl. Do not make me get out of this bed because of foolishness. BEHAVE."
Dani: Ok

(ok maybe it wasn't a deal more so an ultimatum)

We played quietly, skipped the nap, and enjoyed a micro-management free day, while mom and her ebola worked everything out.

That's how I feel today. I just want to hit "send" on this email and not have to fire myself.


Dear staff,

Please don't IM or email me arguing about how you don't like your interim team leader. Please just sit in the corner quietly and do your work. That way I won't lash out at you in a Benadryl induced haze and/or feel compelled to make budget cuts. I'm here alllllll the time and I just need a few days of quiet. I would take off, but two ppl are on vacation and I can't violate my own policy about multiple ppl being out. Sooooo....just sit quietly, do your work, don't burn the company to the ground and when I get better you'll still have a job.

Thanks,

Management

Ummm

***I don't think I actually went to sleep.

I'm up and not overly tired. Just cautiously getting ready for work and nervously hoping I don't collapse mid-commute.

***I don't think this shirt is dirty.

I can't smell for the life of me and I do remember washing it. Although ash and steve came home over the weekend so I did engage in a manic cleaning frenzy that may have resulted in unclean things being hung up.

***I don't think I told Sweets I was going to work today.

He put down his foot when I saw midnight, then again when I saw 2am. I think he was in the process of putting down his foot, about me not going to work, somewhere in the 3am hour, but he fell asleep.

***I don't think that anything I just said in my conference call was audible.

I opened my mouth to speak, but since I'm stuffy I can't really hear. What I could hear resembled the teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoons.

***Ok.....today is a "short" day for me. I'm going in to job 3 and I'm only there until 1pm. I'm going to have someone cover for me this evening at job 1 so that I can sleep. Come on 1pm!***

Ridiculous

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a runny nose. This is the third time I've had some semblance of a cold in the last two months!

The problem is I know exactly where to cast blame: my co-workers. Despite purchasing/using clorox wipes and hand sanitizer for job 2 the germs continue to fly.

I've worked in a daycare, summer camp, and babysat and never have I been around such germiness.

I need a BUBBLE!!!!!!! To sleep I go.

Venus Vs. Mars

They said: I don't think we'll make it to Atlanta by midyear.

(Relieved look)

She thought: I didn't want to ruin the plan

He thought: I didn't want to ruin the plan

They Thought: Sooo what's the new plan?

He said: It feels like Miami is a really good place right now for me and my music.

She said: I found a grad program that I'm interested in.....in D.C.

(Sigh)

Random

1. I'm a natural girl and I love twists and dreds on everyone but myself. When it comes to my own head I like it curly and straight...that's it.

2. Over the last few weeks I've started and deleted posts more times than I can count. I've come to realize that there are so many things in my head that I can't slow down enough to have a thought about any one thing.

3. My new position is going ok, I think. The biggest challenge has been "finding my place." It feels like everyone has been doing my job, unofficially, for forever....except for me.

4. I haven't been to the gym in two weeks. I don't know where to fit it in. My schedule is below. I used to not have nap points and I went to the gym at those times...Now the naps are so necessary.

Schedule:
430 Wake-up and log in(job 1).
430-530 edit and check email
530-600 try to nap
600-630 greet AM staff/edit
630-700 edit or nap
700-745 shower/get dressed
745-800 prep for daily conference
800-815 daily conference
830 leave the house/log out(job 1)
900-1pm at the office (job 3)
1pm-2pm run errands, get caught up on emails, answer Vms, grab lunch, change etc.
2pm log in(job 1)/Start job 2
2pm-6pm do job 1 & 2 simultaneously
6pm log out(job 1)
6pm-930pm (job 2)
10-1030pm (get home)
1030-1130 pm email, voicemail, plan for next day, etc.
midnight: sleep

5. Spending some time in DC was great...hmm...made me think about grad school and moving back.

6. It feels good to actually finish a post.

Sticks and Stones.....

Nine (or maybe 12) years ago I wrote a letter to my then boyfriend. I don't remember what the letter said exactly, but I do remember that it was a summation of his inadequacies, my unhappiness, why we should no longer date, and it probably outlined why he should play in traffic.

We broke up and then shortly thereafter got back together(no comment on that cycle). For the next 6-8 months he would make reference to the not-so-nice things that I said in the note.

Finally, I asked him if he still had the note lying around because even I didn't remember what I had written. He pulled it out and I re-read what was a cold-hearted account of exactly what I was feeling at that moment. The problem with that was I didn't have a lot of those feelings once I calmed down. To be honest, I didn't remember much once I calmed down.

The letter, however, didn't disappear along with my rage. From that point I promised myself not to write with rage. Nine (or 12) years later, I'm still working on that promise. Some days are better than others, but it's one of the few things that I've managed to maintain.

(Deleting draft post)

The "Not" Redux

Remember this?

I've been deep in thought and work over the last two weeks. Trying to finish up my "not" list and I realized that I was struggling. Odd. Shouldn't be hard to list what you are tired of doing one year and what you want to change for the next year. Then I realized that the struggle was a result of my incessant need to elongate a short statement.

"In 2010 I'm not settling"

Aha! an exercise in brevity.

I think that pretty much takes care of all of my "nots" in a nutshell.