Premature

You know when you're with someone and everything feels scarily right?
The point where you start to kind of think past where you are and you start to think about where you could be....with that person?
Then you start formulating hypothetical questions to gauge how this person would fit into your ideals/ideas about forever?
Then you take those answers and feelings, sit back and wait for either the bottom to fall out or something magical to happen?
Yea.....

Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your role) marriage and families got real popular about three years ago. I mean really. TLC, WE, Oxygen all weddings. Everytime I turn around someone is making some sort of announcement and/or there is an invite that screams weddings and/or baby.

Sidebar: I hope getting married and having a kid are still popular activities when I get to that point. Especially the having a kid part. I'll be past pissed if all the cute things for women just dries up and when I'm expecting pregnant women are back to wearing potato sacks, with tired strollers, and no paid maternity leave. Rant over.

I'm happy for everyone that has gotten to the point in their life in which they are engaged, married, trying, with child, and/or holding said child. Truly, this isn't a 'hate' post. It's just gotten increasingly difficult to just date someone and not thinking about the bigger things.

The bigger things have seemingly engulfed everything!

For instance: LC likes to work out and his dedication to the gym has reminded me that I should get off my duff and work out too (his motivation and blogger dani's gentle chiding...Love her for it).

However, yesterday when I thought about why I really wanted to get back in the gym I realized it was less about general vanity and all of a sudden I was thinking things like: wanting to look fab in a wedding dress, wanting to be healthier to stave off pregnancy complications, wanting to have a better chance of losing baby weight blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell happened to wanting to look cute for a party in a few weeks?

Where is my brain (and more importantly) can I get it back?????

Something happened after 25 and I feel like my subconscious is not playing games. Think I'm kidding? I can show you pics of my ideal wedding dress, outline the ceremony I'd like, the amount of people I'm willing to feed at a reception, the length of a honeymoon, the amount of kids I'd like to have, their names, and the general timeframe that I'd like to get them here.

Ring finger? Ashy.

I'm praying for patience, a cold shower, something that will keep me from completely turning my current relationship into a job interview and my already muddled brain into complete mush.

The View

I intentionally failed my eye exam in the third grade because I thought glasses were 'cool'.

Twenty-ish years later I'm sitting at my desk realizing that my already strong prescription may need to get even stronger.

Not cool.

I was a contacts girl ever since my mom signed off on them in high school. Before that I was burdened with some the most hideous frames known to man, which just completed the overly awkward late elementary/middle school years.

Most recently I bought some frames that I adore, but at the end of the day the thought that I'd be in some really serious sh*t if I lost/broke my glasses midday freaks me out.

For those of you that can/do function without your glasses/contacts this post isn't for you. This is for anyone who can't see their face clearly when brushing their teeth. Yep. Thats me.

I've considered LASIK, but have apprehensions (side effects, cost, the fact that it's eye surgery, etc). Until it's time for me to purchase contacts, cleaner, rewetting drops, frames, lenses, glasses cases, contact cases, regular eye drops et. al. and I realize that I've probably paid for LASIK a million times over already.

I need to figure something out asap.

Whoa

I am in the foulest of moods.

I haven't been this bad in ages.

I just need to make it to 4pm Friday.

First 10 Thoughts

1. Wow my alarm is loud, the second one is even louder.

2. Thank God I'm up and I feel a bit better.

3. LC comes today(!!!!!), time for a good morning call.

4. Nyquil has my dreams on a totally different level. Inception was such good movie and I'm glad I have a perfect complex dream sequence reference point. The dream was so inception-esque.

5. Let me check my twitter feed. I should blog these thoughts.

6. Hmmm LC sounds great in the morning.

7. Wow I feel so much better than I did yesterday morning.

8. Two days left of work and then I get to do nothing.

9. I wonder if I should be taking cold medicine or allergy medicine for my head cold.

10. Hmm the sun is looking different these days....is the time change coming up?

After Amen

Ok I'm here.

Job? Check. Apartment? Check. Relationship? Check.

Now what?

Figuring out what to do with a blessing can be as exhausting as the blessing itself. What's next?

Lets see what we're working with....

I'm really excited about LC's visit this weekend.

How and ever.....I'm too sick/tired to do anything in anticipation of his visit.

Moreover, I can honestly say that I'm going to try to redefine "knocked out" for a better part of the 48 hour period.

Two months in and it'll be unvarnished Dani.....

Lets see how this plays out.

Ramblings: Quick and Dirty pt. 2

1. Mom had an amazing time and I'm glad she came to visit.

2. As a result of her visit I'm exhausted, sick, and broke....(it's like a post homecoming feeling).

3. Speaking of homecoming...I love that I'm dating a HU man.

4. Sooo excited about Charlotte...thanks for the suggestions!

5. I keep forgetting about my forthcoming bday. Bring on Sept!!!

Ramblings

1. Mom's coming to town today AND today is my Friday...whoohoo!

2. I had a random direct deposit process to my account this morning. Hmmm....normally I don't question deposits but it's the day before our pay day and it's an off amount.....So confused. **

3. It is cloudy and gloomy and I'm in heaven. The only thing that could ruin this day is sunshine.

4. My cubemate is back after a month in the middle east opening stores. I'm so glad to have him back.

5. I didn't actually clean anything for mom's arrival. I tried to sweep then the AC came on and put my dirt back in it's original place.

6. Labor days plans with LC have been initiated and what did we decide?????? CHARLOTTE! Random I know. But I've wanted to explore that city for awhile and this will be the perfect opportunity. Anyone have any must try restaurant/bar suggestions??

7. While we're talking about LC, we are planning to spend Turkey Day in South Fla. I had to break it to him yesterday that there is a chance that it will hot...as hell...in November. Yea....it's like that.

8. Red Velvet cupcakery in DC = Amazing...Case closed.

9. I miss spending time with my girls....new and old.....Must do better!

10. I've decided to do HU homecoming this year.....it's been way too long!

**Apparently it was a bonus....score!!!!!!!

Simmer

I have dating longevity down pat.

Dating variety?

Not so much.

I'm a serial monogamist and have basically been in some semblance of a relationship consistently for the last 13 years. I don't think this boils down into a right/wrong discussion. I've made dating choices based on what makes me happy.

The downside to not taking a real break in between relationships, is that you are learning/changing/evolving on someone else's time.

Even going back through this blog and looking at posts from a yr and a half ago I cringe at my own openness. Everything has been posted from a genuine place, but in hindsight it was too much, too soon.

So I'm at the starting point again. Having the conversations that I've had before, feeling the way that I've felt before, thinking about forever, navigating through right now, it's familiar place. Let me not discredit my current relationship and call it a mirror image of my past relationships, there are some distinct differences, but the cadences are the same.

I can't make the same mistakes twice. Which, when learning and evolving while in the midst of a relationship, can be hard to avoid.

One lesson learned, pull back a bit. Not with him...but with everyone else. I've professed my undying love via blog and lip service twice and I've discussed my "this is my forever person" twice, intermingled the lives of my friends/family/significant others twice. Does that speak to who I am? A little bit. But having to retract/redirect those statements and feelings is trying, at best.

So I'm trying not to push. Trying to let things happen in their own time. Mixing friends, introducing family, screaming from the rooftop about my happiness, those are quintessential Dani moves. Restraint? Foreign concept.

I'm trying.

Peace

I don't like unfinished business.

The thought that someone that I've cared about or actively care about is upset with me bothers me...I really wish that it didn't. I need to know that regardless of what may have transpired between us the air has at least been cleared. Without that moducum of peace, I'm haunted.

Regardless of what I've moved on to...that feeling of being haunted lingers.

It feels good to clear the air with my ex.

(Chapter closed)

What's Next

I am without a department for the next two days and thusly without direction. It would be a perfect time to work from home and get myself together, but alas I'm here....thinking about being there.

Usually when bored I wander. How and ever it is 1,000 degrees today with 1000% humidity and a chance of sporadic rain.

Also, my foot still in an intense amount of pain.

I usually need both feet to wander(i'm high-maintenance like that).

So today, I'm sitting in the cube, not doing the rudimentary busy work that I need to be doing and thinking about what's next.

Exhale

Somewhere between right now and forever. That's where I'm focused. I'm in a really new relationship, a really new job, a really new city, doing really new things, as the really old Dani.



Life isn't slowing down so that the new and old can meet in the middle. In fact, life is speeding up and away. I blinked and it became August. August????!!??



Why was everything different in March? Absolutely everything in my life was totally different 6 months ago. I have a sinking feeling it will be totally different 6 months from now.



I've been living the same life for years and in a matter of moments I feel like I'm in an avalanche and I can't quite seem to hang on long enough to not get swept away.

Ramblings

1. This is the fourth post that I've started today. I really hope I finish this one.

2. I had an amazing weekend with my other half and while we did a whole lot of nothing, I am absolutely exhausted.

3. Along those same lines, it was weird and great having him in my space. I definitely anticipated some hiccups, but things went well. I am actually surprised. Why? I'm a bit territorial with my space. Hmm...maybe I'm growing a bit.

4. Inception...Amazing.

5. Ikea keeps calling me to deliver and order that I didn't place. Normally I wouldn't turn down someone else's mistake, but in order to accept the delivery I'd need to be in my apt and umm....I cannot take off anymore time. Please make them stop calling.

6. I have cable! Last night I zoned out in front of the tv and couldn't figure out how I had been filling my time for the last 2 months.

7. I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to do for my bday this year. I've been trying to ignore the obvious scheduling nightmare that I'm facing and squeeze in a good time. However, I'm finally ready to accept the fact that this has to be a quiet bday. With Ash's shower/bachelorette party the weekend before my bday and the wedding 3 weeks after. I won't be in a place to do anything short of sleep (ok and eat cake).

8. I went from being in Atlanta at least one weekend a month every month for almost a 6 month run, to having absolutely no Atlanta trips on my docket. I'm actually sad about that, I can't even lie.

9. My boss just resigned....this day is really getting interesting.