Language of Love

Thanks Ana!!!!!!

Ok so Adei posted this nugget of fabulousness forever ago and sweets and I finally got a chance to review it and discuss.  Funny thing...in discussing which love type applied to us...I inadvertently stumbled on what led to the undoing of my last relationship.

Her post started here: 

"Toni had this book that captured my attention with its cover. I don't know about you, but I judge books by them. The title was simple: The Five Love Languages."

1. Words of Affirmation.

Encouraging, kind, humble words. Love requests, love doesn't demand.

2. Quality Time
Undivided attention, genuine conversation of not just speaking, but hearing as well; togetherness

3. Receiving Gifts
Gifts and money or gift of self (physical presence)

4. Acts of Service
Doing things wouldn't neccesarily do as an act of love.

5. Physical Touch
Implicit or explicit

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Ok so sweets and I decided to tackle which of the 5 really spoke to us and the conclusion was #2.

Quality Time

Undivided attention, genuine conversation of not just speaking, but hearing as well; togetherness

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#5 was a close contender, but we realized that if #2 was done well then the Physical Touch happens naturally.

In one of our early conversations we discussed the fact that we are emotion-driven people.  He expresses himself in and through his music and I do the same with writing.  We feel first and need to have those feelings nurtured with genuine one-on-one time.  There can't be substitutes and it can't be half-hearted.  Since day 1 we've actively worked quality time into our day.  While we slip from time-to-time, for the most part things have been going really well.

Here's the doozy.....

I didn't know that I needed undivided attention and quality time until I didn't have it.  Point blank.  Looking at the list and thinking about how my last relationship ended, I can't help but to cringe.  It was sooo obvious and I couldn't verbalize what I needed to put the pieces back in place.  My ex and I were so 'comfortable' that we lived almost separate lives.  He was so focused on several side projects and the things that he enjoyed doing that I was rarely a part of any of those things.  Likewise on my end.  He had his friends that he interacted with and I had my own. So much so, that there was nothing left for us to do together.  Our conversations dwindled to 5-minute chats daily.  We'd maybe see each other for dinner, but for the most part the major portions of our lives happened outside of each other.

We did things together...but they were group things.  When it was just us, the distance between us became more and more obvious.

By the time I realized what was happening I couldn't figure out how to get back to the way things were and fix it.  I had gotten used to not talking to him.  I had gotten used to not being involved in aspects of his life.  It was so odd.  I did not love him any less.  We had so many happy moments.  Our families were close.  We had tons of mutual friends.  We talked about what was bothering me.  There was so much right....seemingly so.  But I could not shake the fact that I had absolutely gotten used to not having that quality time.  And leaned on my relationship with my friends to fill that void.  Once I got used to it...I couldn't undo it.  

So, I walked away.

Try telling someone that you still love them, things are good between you, they are an amazing man, but you aren't really being fulfilled.  Try breaking your own heart and being haunted by the years and time you invested in something that ultimately didn't work.  Try figuring out EXACTLY what was wrong as soon as you leave the relationship.

The healing process SUCKS. Losing friends and relationships with surrogate family members SUCKS!  But I promised myself that I would not knowingly walk in to a marriage that was based on convenience instead of happiness.

I've since found happiness.  But it was not a light-switch moment (like it is in the movies).  I still have residual sadness.  But I'm healing and I'm genuinely happy.  I don't have to quantify that that statement.  And that is a first.

So....I was blessed with another chance to give this relationship thing a go....I'm a #2....It's out there.  I know it....he knows it...we know it....and this time around I work damn hard(and we work even harder), EVERY day to make sure that what I/we need is being fulfilled. 

What is your number?  What do you need?