Change

I haven't had a post in ages, because things have been super stressful. Those of you who follow the blog can remember this time last year and my lofty plan to not renew my lease and move to DC.

Well...that didn't work out.

Not only did it not work out, but I fell in love with my job (finally) and no matter what I applied for, I ended up not getting it.

The stress re-entered somewhere around November and I finally got to a point where I couldn't write anymore. Every post would have sounded exactly the same. Discouraged.

After really doing some praying, I realized that being here was a blessing and I needed to let go and enjoy my time.

I had one other super important interview that didn't result in anything and I had decided to just stay for another year.

Well...I'm officially going to stop getting in the way of my blessings. Because in two weeks everything changed.

Tuesday: LC spotted a position that he thought would be a good fit and sent me the link. The position had been posted for just a few hours, so I applied.

Wednesday: They called for a phone interview.

Thursday: They scheduled an in-person interview.

Tuesday: I went to the interview.

Thursday: They made an offer that I could not refuse.

So, after 5 years....My last day is in 3 weeks.

......

My first day is in 4 weeks...the same day that my lease expires.

I left DC (and LC) eight years ago and next month I will finally move back. I'm excited to start a new chapter of my professional and personal life, with a man that I love immensely. I've learned more than I thought I would in that time and I actually accomplished my dream of living in NYC.

Getting here has been a journey and I'm so excited for the support along the way.

I finally decided what I want to do about my blog and I think a refresh is in order. Stay Tuned for the next phase of Dani Colored Glasses.

Define "Regular"

Last week I was watching the news in the morning and I saw a story that made me wish I wasn't in my apartment alone.

I needed someone else to look at incredulously. The story actually got me so fired up, I sat around for another 30 minutes to watch it again.

Summary:

The police, acting on a hunch, went into a neighborhood to look for a stash of drugs. They spot a young man who breaks out running. Not sure why he's running, the police run after him and they all end up in his house. They ask him to open the door, they got no response so they knocked down the door.

One shot is fired and the boy ends up dead.

According to the police, they thought they heard a weapon.

Later, it was found that there was no weapon on the boy, and he was just trying to dispose of his weed.

Cue the obligatory shot of his crying mother and aunt.

His mother then turns to the camera and describes her deceased son.

Saying, "[He's] like a regular kid, he's like you know, just like any other kid. You know you have kids who get in trouble, simple other stuff. But he wasn't that bad, he wasn't a bad kid. Not the kind of kid who carries guns around and slings no guns, he's not that type of kid."

Then she says the only drug he had was marijuana.

The mother is outraged. The community is now demanding answers.

Ummm....

Yes, the loss of a life is tragic. Especially, when he didn't threaten the life of anyone else. Yes, there is seemingly an increase in the instances of the police acting outside of protocol.

However....

Since when do "regular kids" run from the cops and flush weed? Where was the community outrage at the kids having/selling drugs on their block in the first place?

Before I honed in on the story and I just heard the lede audio of the mother's cries, I was ready for her to say, my son was in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing and he was killed senselessly. I was not ready for the mother to say, "yes...my son had drugs (that is still illegal right?)....and yes he ran from the police....and yes he ignored requests to open the door...but how could he end up dead?"

Maybe its just me.

When you just know....

I'm reminded daily of why I shouldn't have snipers at my disposal.

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer isn't exactly impressed with President Obama's toughness, calling him "thin-skinned" following their contentious exchange at a Phoenix airport on Wednesday."

Ok..I'm kidding about the snipers. But really....what other job allows you to publicly speak ill of your boss and not face any consequences?

Was Dad In Love?

BK's finest and harlem transplant Dani posed an interesting question in her Clutch mag article yesterday. She asked, "What did you wish your father had told you about love?" My answer popped in my mind instantly. I wish my dad had said that he was in it. Love that is.

When I was younger, my dad talked about how he and my mom met. I've heard him say that he loved my mom. I've never heard him say that he was in love.

The vulnerability that comes with being love is something that I wish I had seen from him as I grew into my own adulthood. The fact that you can feel something that encompasses you fully and orders your thoughts and actions is something that I think we all comprehend...at least conceptually.

How many of us can talk about seeing that in older love.

Thankfully, I can experience that watching my grandfather, but it would have been great to have experienced that from my father.

I hope that the man that I marry doesn't completely lose that feeling of being "in love." More importantly, I hope that if we have kids, they know what its like to hear their father talk about being "in love" firsthand.

Riddle Me This...

Picture This:

A rice cake in the toaster oven with one slice of cheese on top of it.

On the counter, there is a whole cucumber, a package of cherry tomatoes, and a tin of tuna fish.

I glanced at the scene trying to figure out if it was a puzzle of some sort. Then my co-worker bustles into the pantry, checks the timer, and heads back to his desk.

Umm...What is he making for lunch?

According to my libra chatmate, he's making a sandwich....I really think he's just getting ready for an iron chef audition.

Thoughts

1. I am convinced my neighbor faces our adjoining wall, with her phone to her ear, and has all of her conversations. I can hear her breathe, I promise.

2. After 20 months of dating (and a plan to live together) I realized, in passing, that I've been using the wrong zip code for LC's place. I've been using the zip code for my undergrad dorm and NOT the one he gave me when we first started dating. I found out I had wrong zip code AFTER i ordered mailing labels for him. The funny thing is I can't remember ever using the right one.

3. The air at work is super tense. I think our parent company has put some ultimatums out there about business and the executives are scramble to execute it. Its the nature of our business, but the first time I'm actually in the corporate office as its happening.

4. This is my serious job hunt question...should I be using my soon-to-be DC address when applying for jobs? I want to be as forthright as possible, but I'm getting the feeling that companies are not comfortable with the prospect of a relocation.

5. Speaking of jobs...the company that I have not worked for in over a year still owes me back payment. I'll finally take LC's advice and get serious about rectifying that, I didn't want to burn that bridge, but I need to get this taken care of post haste.

6. My passport expires in May. Sigh. Ok...here's the thing. I'm in a serious relationship. Am I engaged? No. Are we working toward that? Absolutely.
Renewing my passport right now, when my last name could change in a few years just offends my cheapness. Why can't I file for a year or 2 extension?

7. Speaking of filing. I went to TaxAct to start my filing process and apparently I can't file my state taxes for free. I'm from FL where state tax lore is something passed down from generation to generation in hushed tones. Last year, because my filing was complicated I let H&R block handle my taxes. It saved me my sanity but cost waaaay more than I want to spend. This year, things are more simplified and I just want to do it myself.

8. LC gave me this gem during the NFL playoff game. I asked him if he wanted me to call him after the game. He said, "no you don't have to....I may zone out, but just keep talking."

.....
..
.

*Blank Stare*

Mergers and Acquisitions

I'm not a good friend merger. I've never had the finesse to seamlessly bring different groups of people together. I'm even worse when it comes to combining friends and the significant other.

Am I over thinking it all? Probably.

The reality is however that its never gone well.

For instance my friends and I have a standing "get there and you have somewhere to stay" routine. We've perched on couches, blow-up mattresses, etc.

However, the other half has a standing get a hotel room and be comfortable routine.

Yes we're older, but geesh that totally changes my budgeting. LOL.

That's an in jest example, but I suppose the bigger subject is that relationships do have an affect on friendships. Navigating them both can be difficult.

I'm trying to figure that all out.

Future

We talk about or future more than we talk about the present. I guess its a way to over compensate for the fact that there are more questions than answers in our "present."

I guess I just worry that we'll miss something in the "right now" because we're filling our time and space with the future.

I've officially been here now over a year and a half. Time has flown by and I still love it here.

I hate that I can't afford to do more...and I also hate that I've spent so much of my time here looking for a job elsewhere. Those two points only slightly relate to each other.

A year ago, I was job hunting with a plan to relocate. I didn't find anything by the summer, so I renewed my lease. I'm job hunting again and as usual I'm concerned about the "What ifs?"

So we talk about the future. Because not having an answer to the "Do we sign up for another year of this long distance relationship, if a job offer doesn't come through" question sucks the life of every conversation.

So we talk about the future. What home repairs need to be done to facilitate the move. What type of home we'd like to work toward.

I just wonder what happens when we get to the future.

Awkward Moments

1. The co-worker that I absolutely adore asked me if I was set to have a "sparkly Christmas" then she winked. Considering that this is the same co-worker that asked me if LC had packed his birthday suit for my birthday weekend, I wasn't completely shocked. However, I'm glad that he and I have discussed an engagement and I wasn't sitting on the edge, because the implication alone might have pushed me over. Sidenote: a Christmas proposal would mean that anything on the Christmas wish list would have to roll-over to Vday or my Bday....that does not sound like "winning" to me.

2. I don't even know if my tights are control top...I could just have that much mid-section. Either way, I'm sitting at my desk and I realized that on my last potty trip, I did not apply myself properly and the top of my tights are far lower than they should be. I tried to adjust the top and lost my grip a bit. It was the snap heard around the world. If I had been in church everyone would have assumed a child got a pop with a belt (sigh).

3. I woke up this morning with my glasses beneath me. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror and turned my head to the side to adjust my view that I realized my head wasn't crooked it was my frames. I went to Lenscrafters today to get them fixed and when I placed them on the counter the nice woman glanced at them, then glanced back at me, and finally said "I'm going to need to apply a fair amount of pressure to fix these, this is just a disclaimer that anything can happen to them." This is the fourth time I've gotten my glasses adjusted, never had I gotten a disclaimer before now. Oh yea....and I'm pretty sure my back imprint was on one of the lenses. I shouldve cleaned it before taking them in.

4. I decided to munch on some Kashi during my meeting today. I accidently grabbed a cluster without looking and tried to bite down on it and failed. I refused to make eye contact with my boss who was facing me and saw my defeat. I just took a fireball approach to the Kashi cluster and gave up on chewing (sigh).

5. Following the Kashi debacle I found myself needing to sneeze and cough. What followed was almost a grumble or some sort of animalistic mating call.

6. While waiting for my coffee to brew I inhaled 48 fl oz of water...then had my coffee...then another 16 fl oz of water. I was Tom Hanks in the scene below...and the autoflush tried to Sandman me....

The Weight

I don't like admitting that I'm scared...about anything. For instance, I don't mess with the dark, but who wants to admit that after nearly three decades on this earth the absence of light is not casually alarming, but it is enough to yield a quickened heart rate and the need to go to a zen mind space.

The dark is not why, after nearly 30 days, I've popped back up to share some Dani-babble. The light is now becoming my problem. I've gotten a lot of "why aren't you blogging" questions and while my standard answer of "i've got nothing to say" isn't a lie, it certainly isn't the complete truth.

I've got nothing going on that I'm not too scared to talk about. Already, I hate this post.

Here we go...

I'm sitting on a bus halfway through my bi-monthly pilgrimage to DC and watching The West Wing.

The scene that I just paused involved an accomplished woman, who could not accomplish being a successful mate. She was arguing with the man in her life, who agreed that while she was horrible at relationships, he knew that with time and work they would be fine.

While I'm doing nothing to capture the emotion of the moment in this watered-down summation of the scene, I felt enough to pause it and start typing.

The weight of having a good thing and facing complete darkness about how to make it work is what occupies more time than I wish to admit. It's what scares me, its what has made sleeping a game of roulette and I'm starting to lose more times than win.

I've felt the "this could be it" moment in a relationship before. I've felt it, talked about, silently planned what the "it" meant. I knew ten years ago that I was in a special relationship, five years ago I knew I was altar bound, three years ago I thought I had a clear (albeit unexpected) picture of what love and dani meant.

The altar? I don't even have the phone number of both of those exes.

Being wrong and oversharing about the relationships that went to hell, has made the one in front of me something I'm more cautious about. But now the weight of what is going on is pushing me to the edge of a cliff.

We're at the point where just living on the same coast isn't going to work. We're at the point where I have designated hours in the week, just to apply for jobs, We're at the point where we both want more and we want it with each other.

I love LC and even that is a disgusting understatement. But truth be told, I love my city, job, apartment, and life. I don't want to lose myself. I'm terrified about being wrong. Again.

I'm a woman looking at a great thing and making a choice to go for it (and praying that in five years I don't look back and realize I once again mistook marriage for an altar call). I'm just struggling to admit how something that makes me so happy, can scare me so much. LC is constantly reassuring me that things will happen they way they are supposed to and I know he's right. I just want this to be right....I just want to be the accomplished woman and a successful mate.

Balance

I'm missing balance in my life. I'm spending more time wanting the next step than actually living in and enjoying what is going on right now.

I don't know how to balance things out.

Nothing to Something

My birthday weekend was wonderful! LC got in Thursday night and we went right from the train station to dinner, kicking off what was 3 days of "What do you want to do?" with the responses ranging from "Nothing" to "Lets walk over there and see what's happening."

It was a weekend that was short on plans but long on hilarity and laziness.

The only downside was watching him leave this morning. The goodbyes are getting infinitely harder.

Bday Eve

I'm exhausted...I feel like i'm alllllllwwwaaaayyyysss exhausted. The best thing about my bday tomorrow is that I'm not going to work.

Jesus be a pillow.

My Way

I don't consider myself a brat or even particularly spoiled. However, I am starting to realize that I do not like to be told "no" nor do I want to be corrected. So maybe I am a brat, spoiled, and self-righteous.





I can't even believe I typed that.





Seriously, in my mind, I'm usually right. I hate admitting that I am wrong and even when wrong, I will try my best to shade my wrongness as a misunderstanding that eventually leads back to me being right.





"See you clearly misinterpreted what I was saying. I was saying what you said but in my own way."





A mess.





I also hate being late on something.





"Did you know that such-and-such did the whatcha-ma-jig?"





My usual response: "Yes, but it really was a copy cat of the original such-and-such who mastered the whatcha-ma-jig in 1972."





Smug bastard I am. Does it make me more smug and intolerable to blog about my belief in my rightness? Perhaps.

Heavy

My co-worker and her partner of 20 years left for their Australian vacation last week. Upon arrival, they rented a vehicle and while heading to their first destination got into a car accident. My co-worker was severly injured. Her partner died instantly.

Really?

I've seen the mercy and favor of God time after time. I've also seen tests, burdens, and struggles that render me speechless.

I don't question my after life. I'm 100% certain about how my story will end, but while I don't doubt heaven once I leave this earth. I question my ability to make it through hell while I'm here.

History in Print

My blog spans 2.75 relationships. The .75 covers the breakup that got me to start writing in the first place.

What I wrote then is all true, but can I be honest?

It's almost painful to read. I despise being wrong about things and nothing can be more wrong than "he's the man of my dreams" and then a post 3 months later with a new man.

I could delete those posts, but they are a part of what got me to this point. I could also start a whole new blog. Hmm...that idea is tempting to me for a myriad of reasons, most importantly, because there are things that I don't say here because too many of the people I want to blog about are actual readers.

Truth be told either option feels more political than artistic and so I've done neither. I am, however, often thinking about both.

Actually....now that I'm at the end of this post...I think I've figured out which direction I'm going in.

Stay Tuned.

Disarray

I woke up and took a look at my room, living room, and kitchen and the reality of my last few weeks hit me hard. I need to reset. The thing I haven't quite mastered is traveling every weekend, without letting my home base suffer.

Thankfully, my biggest issue is that things aren't where they're supposed to be. I would have made today a sick day if anything was actually "nasty."

When was the last time I went grocery shopping? When was the last time I did some exercise?

I honestly cannot answer either question.

LC and I determined that this weekend would be our "off" weekend, which basically means we remain in our respective city. I was quite geared up to fight that decision and head to DC anyway, but waking up to three partially unpacked weekend bags and just enough creamer for one cup of coffee has calmed me down a bit.

I Wish I Knew

Here are a few things that I wish someone had told me when I got to NY...

1. Flo Jo lives just beneath the surface of every New Yorker. You are never too cute to run and catch something. I thought I was until I saw a 3 train approaching and the only thing between me and an air conditioned seat was a flight of stairs.

Yea that happened...

2. Commuting cute is counter-productive.

Let it go. My first week here I wanted to completely exemplify what I thought was "the look" for someone working in fashion. It was the summer. It was 90 million degrees. I played the hell out of myself. My co-workers come to work as close to naked as possible and transform. If you can get to work by walking 5-10 blocks then yes, you get to stroll in wearing great heels etc. For everyone else, removeable layers and a bevy of flats (with heels in the tote) are the way to go.

3. The tote

Thank goodness I've always had a penchant for the hermione bag approach to life. If you aren't a Potter fan...Hermoine had a bag that contained a tent, radio, food, change of clothing, there may have been a body double in there. Lets just say, you wanted her on your team. Anyway, I quickly noticed that my co-workers travel with totes that have breakfast, lunch, shoes, gym clothes, a cute clutch and accessories (for post work events), weather appropriate layering items, etc. Basically, everything you need from sun up to sun down that you would otherwise put in your car if you had a car.

4. Weather Expert



I'm from south florida...we are acutely aware of what it's like to see rain every day at 3pm for an entire season. I felt completely prepared to tackle some rain Negative. I had a rain coat and rain boots, but I didn't need them...I had them because they were cute.

When you do not have the comfort of door to car to office to car to door living, weather appropriate gear is critical.

The first thing I do in the morning is watch the weather (then the train schedule). I need to know what I'm up against. It not only rained last summer, but it rained last fall and then snowed like no one's business last winter.

Ladies and gentleman I offically own a raincoat and rainboots, a light jacket, trenches, wool coats, a down bubble coat, mid boots, knee boots, waterproof flats, etc. The need for all weather attire was something that I couldn't for the life of me understand before (There are two seasons in Florida: hot and warm) I understand it fully now.

5. Invest in scarves

Again, I have a ton of scarves, because I like them. They cover all manner of sins. However, the importance of a scarf in every season ties back to my previous point. The weather, temperature, elements can change quickly and a scarf is a wonderful way to transition. From covering train seats and railings, to my head in a downpour or wind gust, to being a quick transition to work from night (or vice versa). My scarves have been a life saver.

6. Personal Space

Things are smaller. The space between tables in a restaurant...your booty meat (if you have it) will graze the top of someone's table just trying to get to your seat. Yum. Apartments are tiny and the streats are crowded.

Rush hour?



Conversely, there are a ton of parks and quiet places to make your own. It's just not going to be the same as suburbia.

7. Uptown & Downtown

Understanding where you are/where you want to be can be simplified by always having a concept of Uptown and Downtown. Know it and live it.

True story...one tipsy night I was leaving a work event and I, of course, didn't have cab money. I literally threw my body on the first train heading uptown and figured it out when I got to the Times Square stop. I STILL don't know what train I got on that night, but I knew I was downtown and needed to get uptown to get home.

8. Cabs

Cabs can come in the form of: a van, minivan, camry, prius, and lincoln town car. They can be yellow or not and since I live in Harlem understanding the concept of a livery cab (and what rides should cost) became critical...quickly.

9. Soundtrack for life/Personal Entertainment

My ipod and playlists became critical the second week I got here. I literally listen to my ipod on the commute to work, at work, while shopping after work, and on the way home. Occassionally, I'm on the phone, but I use the headset then too. I didn't understand how little people listen to the madness outside, until I decided to mute it and I've never gone back. Also, reading material became critical. I see more kindles, nooks, ipads, ipod touches, newspapers, and books on public transit in the course of one morning than I can remember in a month's time at home.

10. Be present

There will be a night when your bank account is dusty, you have exactly $2.25 on a MTA card, you've got an outstanding project due asap, the only thing in your fridge is cold air, you've crafted a look from a series of "not-so-dirty" items and there is a truth somewhere mid-scalp that need not be revealed, and you've happened to stumble into an event with free drinks/food.

Being present in that moment is critical. Even with all of the struggles you have, you should feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

More often than not everyone in this city is struggling, there is never enough money for the average person. You will not make enough to live in Manhattan and enjoy Manhattan. Well I don't. I had to make peace with it and take advantage of things when/where possible and just enjoy the "present." When I stop being able to enjoy those moments, it will be time to go.

Here Not Here

Tomorrow night my mom gets here for her birthday weekend! I am officially useless to all :)

Just a Thought

For the last few years, I've kept my birthday thoughts at bay until I see this. Having someone whose birthday is exactly one month before yours is a fantastic way to keep premature giddiness in check.

This year I'm incredibly streamlined.

Gift List?

Done.

Focus for the new year?

For my 29th year on this earth, I don't want to be disingenuous. I spend more time being a nice and accommodating person than I probably should. While I don't intend to cross over and become an obnoxiously rude person, I do want to give the faux niceness a rest.

There are things, people, and places that I enjoy and dislike immensely. Scarily, I tend to treat them all the same. So this year, I plan on being a little more honest about how and with whom I spend my time. I have amazing friends in name and in practice. I'm going to be a better friend to those who I can't live without and live without the ones that are placeholders. I'm also going to cut out the obligatory/easy/barely satisfying trips and go where my heart (and wallet) takes me.
I'm excited to have so much newness in my life...and I'm even more excited that everything is about to change. Again.