Every once in awhile you come across something close to your heart that you want to blog about, but it's either too selfish, tacky, hurtful, hateful, honest, funny, etc. to be blogged about. I have to find a workaround.
For some reason I've been slammed with these types of topics non-stop for the last month.....(sigh)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Pillows Not Fists....Just My Opinion
Fighting fair seems to be the mantra of relationship "experts" throughout the country.
1. Try not to rehash old details from "forgiven/forgotten" arguments
2. Don't hit below the belt (figuratively & literally)
3. Don't be passive-aggressive and fight about irrelevant subject matters, instead of facing "the real issues"
Blah Blah Blah....fighting is not a "fair" practice. Hell, rarely are "relationships" and "fair" in the same sentence. So how does one "fight fair"? You don't. Stop being focused on fairness and focus on winning. Seems crazy? It's not.
For instance, if your fight starts because your boyfriend isn't spending enough time with you, don't waste your energy playing mind games with him....figure out what YOUR ultimate goal is....
1. Do you want him to spend more time with you?
2. Do you feel like communication is the issue?3. Do you just need more attention overall?
4. Do you dislike feeling like an afterthought?5. Are you looking for a reason to leave him anyway and he's not making it easy enough?
Whatever the goal is, structure your fight not to be heard, but to win.
Over the weekend Sweets and I had the most intense (and yet shortest) fight I'd ever experienced. I will not purport that we are even slightly more mature/enlightened than the average couple. We just honestly didn't have time for the full out argument, "salty" feelings, untrue statements of forgiveness, obligatory gabfest with the respective friends about how much we can't really stand when the other person does _________, etc.
I could tell something was wrong and we started to get into the usual routine of one person asking questions, while the other person lies with "salty" answers.
Looking at the time, I realized the way this would end. We would not accomplish anything immediately, go through the day with an unresolved issue, ruin one day of vacation, eventually solve the issue, and then regret (one week later) that we hadn't resolved it sooner.
Looking at the time, I realized the way this would end. We would not accomplish anything immediately, go through the day with an unresolved issue, ruin one day of vacation, eventually solve the issue, and then regret (one week later) that we hadn't resolved it sooner.
Pause...I don't even know what the fight is about...but I want to win it. For me the "win" in that instance was to be over it. For him a "win" was to get to the bottom of what he had overheard me saying.
So I pulled an uncharacteristically Dani move and without a drop of coy or decorum attacked Sweets until I got an answer to what was amiss. Now, having taken a big girl pill and questioned him head on, I had to be completely willing to handle the rest of the argument the same way. So when he asked me to clarify what I had said in passing, I did. There was definitely room for me to fly off the handle abt why he was asking me questions and go around in circles, but....I wanted to win.
So we talked....in an open/honest/unvarnished format. Before I knew it the fight was over.
Is focusing on "winning" a "fair" way to deal with relationship quarrels, probably not, but then again I suppose you'd need to ask someone who is in one. Our fight is over. Guess who won? We both did.
So we talked....in an open/honest/unvarnished format. Before I knew it the fight was over.
Is focusing on "winning" a "fair" way to deal with relationship quarrels, probably not, but then again I suppose you'd need to ask someone who is in one. Our fight is over. Guess who won? We both did.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Overheard At The Salon
"I was just calling you back to tell you that I got your email...."
--I HATE PPL LIKE YOU!
"....the neighborhood is terrified that a mass murderer will kill them when they go outside."
--CNN covering this story....Don't act surprised now that your police force are 2 steps behind Paul Blart.....either stay inside or move....but get off my tv screen!
"The lady at the license place said a replacement license was $25....I said let me go home and look for my other one again."
--You are the reason fees go up...lazy!
"The Jamie Foxx show wasn't that crowded....If Beyonce can sell out the Bank Atlantic Center, why did Jamie Foxx think that he could do the same? He needed to be at the improv."
-Damn....Bank Atlantic Center 22, 457 seats...Hollywood Improv 460 seats.
(Conversation Between Stylists) "Ya-Ya can you pls go and pick up my daughter?" Ya-Ya: "I can't I have a client." T: "You know she'll be late anyway, just go get her." Ya-Ya: "I called my client and she's two minutes away." T: "Oh well ask her to go pick up my daughter for me."
--Do I even need to comment on this one?
--I HATE PPL LIKE YOU!
"....the neighborhood is terrified that a mass murderer will kill them when they go outside."
--CNN covering this story....Don't act surprised now that your police force are 2 steps behind Paul Blart.....either stay inside or move....but get off my tv screen!
"The lady at the license place said a replacement license was $25....I said let me go home and look for my other one again."
--You are the reason fees go up...lazy!
"The Jamie Foxx show wasn't that crowded....If Beyonce can sell out the Bank Atlantic Center, why did Jamie Foxx think that he could do the same? He needed to be at the improv."
-Damn....Bank Atlantic Center 22, 457 seats...Hollywood Improv 460 seats.
(Conversation Between Stylists) "Ya-Ya can you pls go and pick up my daughter?" Ya-Ya: "I can't I have a client." T: "You know she'll be late anyway, just go get her." Ya-Ya: "I called my client and she's two minutes away." T: "Oh well ask her to go pick up my daughter for me."
--Do I even need to comment on this one?
I Hate You...and your allowance!
So at the salon today I peered through my "Simba mane" to take a look at a high-school chick that was also getting her hair done.
Her pedicure was fresh and her hair had an "instant-wrap" essence (a-la Soon to be Mrs. Patti in her relaxer days) that could only have been attained through a faithful 2-week appointment schedule.
She was happy...with the worlds smallest purse...I'm assuming she had a driver's license, debit card, lip gloss, and a cell phone.
She looked like the only thing she knew of "bills" was that it was 1/3 of the title of an "old school"(to her) Destiny's Child song. There was a cherubic glow about her that comes with being unfamiliar with overdraft fees and ramen noodles.
Her bank account was mommy-funded and daddy-approved. She was young and well-maintained and I hated her for it. I should be more of an adult than I am, but I can't deal. I'm at my first hair appointment in months. I've (gasp--never thought it would come to this) started to do my own pedicures, I went an entire summer without a french manicure (yes even in '09 sometimes I like a throwback look).
Effectively, I tapped into my inner recessionista once my bank account tapped out.
I cannot believe that I looked forward to adulthood! A few people on twitter reminded me why I thought things would be different. They pointed to my love of shows like "Living Single", "SATC", "Girlfriends", and "Friends." Now when I watch those shows I realize that the characters aren't in their 20's....they are in their early (mid & late) 30's. I just hope that with the rapidly approaching 3-0 I will have more financial security and room for the kind of fun that requires a sitcom laughing track.
In the meantime....hey little girl....give me your damn allowance!
Her pedicure was fresh and her hair had an "instant-wrap" essence (a-la Soon to be Mrs. Patti in her relaxer days) that could only have been attained through a faithful 2-week appointment schedule.
She was happy...with the worlds smallest purse...I'm assuming she had a driver's license, debit card, lip gloss, and a cell phone.
She looked like the only thing she knew of "bills" was that it was 1/3 of the title of an "old school"(to her) Destiny's Child song. There was a cherubic glow about her that comes with being unfamiliar with overdraft fees and ramen noodles.
Her bank account was mommy-funded and daddy-approved. She was young and well-maintained and I hated her for it. I should be more of an adult than I am, but I can't deal. I'm at my first hair appointment in months. I've (gasp--never thought it would come to this) started to do my own pedicures, I went an entire summer without a french manicure (yes even in '09 sometimes I like a throwback look).
Effectively, I tapped into my inner recessionista once my bank account tapped out.
I cannot believe that I looked forward to adulthood! A few people on twitter reminded me why I thought things would be different. They pointed to my love of shows like "Living Single", "SATC", "Girlfriends", and "Friends." Now when I watch those shows I realize that the characters aren't in their 20's....they are in their early (mid & late) 30's. I just hope that with the rapidly approaching 3-0 I will have more financial security and room for the kind of fun that requires a sitcom laughing track.
In the meantime....hey little girl....give me your damn allowance!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Not It....
Today is not a good day. I can't quite put my finger on why, I just know that it's not. Using 'Love Jones' to get through the afternoon. Hopefully I'll have a better post tomorrow.
Monday, August 31, 2009
No "Us" In Growth
I've been thinking really hard about where I am in my life and what I want to accomplish. Ana, RJ and I were discussing, over lunch, vision boards and the importance of speaking your goals into existence.
Which made me think. If I'm on my grind, have my board worked out, and am speaking my goals into existence, I should assume Sweets is doing the same with his goals...right?
Over the past few weeks, I've watched him get serious about writing, rehearsing, and sharing his talent with anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, I've been job hunting, networking, and scouting corners in GA & DC for my ankle-grabbing, money-making, back-up plan (I kid.....maybe).
The point is.....growth & achieving goals tend to be selfish things. Lets be honest....the person that is living the life you want right now, has the job you want, the man/woman you want, and/or the body you want etc. 99% of the time achieved that goal not by being considerate....but by "kicking butt and taking names." Conversely, couples that are the most secure have mastered the art of compromise and communication.
I know, I know....optimists will tell you that you can have both. The realist in me tells me that at some point two dreams will come to head and someone will have to defer theirs for the good of the couple-dom. The Veruca Salt in me doesn't like that....
To be clear Sweets & I have "us" goals and dreams as well. However, there are things that we both want individually and I just wonder how that will all play out.
Which made me think. If I'm on my grind, have my board worked out, and am speaking my goals into existence, I should assume Sweets is doing the same with his goals...right?
Over the past few weeks, I've watched him get serious about writing, rehearsing, and sharing his talent with anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, I've been job hunting, networking, and scouting corners in GA & DC for my ankle-grabbing, money-making, back-up plan (I kid.....maybe).
The point is.....growth & achieving goals tend to be selfish things. Lets be honest....the person that is living the life you want right now, has the job you want, the man/woman you want, and/or the body you want etc. 99% of the time achieved that goal not by being considerate....but by "kicking butt and taking names." Conversely, couples that are the most secure have mastered the art of compromise and communication.
I know, I know....optimists will tell you that you can have both. The realist in me tells me that at some point two dreams will come to head and someone will have to defer theirs for the good of the couple-dom. The Veruca Salt in me doesn't like that....
To be clear Sweets & I have "us" goals and dreams as well. However, there are things that we both want individually and I just wonder how that will all play out.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Eyes Wide Open
I've been avoiding all things to do with my ex. I don't know why exactly....I guess I just didn't want any awkward interactions, I didn't want to feel any longing regarding friends lost....I just didn't want __________(the blanks are an anomaly). In this tiny/big county that can get a bit sticky, but over the last year I've been pretty successful.
Today, I stumbled on his pictures(gasp)...... and I had to smile. I couldn't place anyone or anything in the pics. It was a completely different life and more so a completely different person staring back at me....and I was ok with that.
Whaaa??? (who have I really become? I usually always care--hmm guess not)
The most the picture yielded was my own desire to speed up my departure from the mundanity of my every day and kick start a new career in a new location. Effectively, peace--I've now come to realize--can be found in the most random of places.
I didn't have complete peace about being the "bad guy" and hurting someone I cared about. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take anything back and I'm happier with Sweets than I've ever been. I think that in my mind peace was something that was tied to forgiveness and forgiveness was never going to happen. Due to a lack of peace, I was avoiding the possibility of coming across anything to do with the ex. I guess because I didn't know what would happen, or not happen. I've been muddled in a path of uncertainty. Why in the world would I give something/someone so much power and why go through the energy to avoid?
Lesson Learned: I am completely capable of granting my own peace. I'll stop the avoidance now, because at this point I have plans for my future that require my attention.
Today, I stumbled on his pictures(gasp)...... and I had to smile. I couldn't place anyone or anything in the pics. It was a completely different life and more so a completely different person staring back at me....and I was ok with that.
Whaaa??? (who have I really become? I usually always care--hmm guess not)
The most the picture yielded was my own desire to speed up my departure from the mundanity of my every day and kick start a new career in a new location. Effectively, peace--I've now come to realize--can be found in the most random of places.
I didn't have complete peace about being the "bad guy" and hurting someone I cared about. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take anything back and I'm happier with Sweets than I've ever been. I think that in my mind peace was something that was tied to forgiveness and forgiveness was never going to happen. Due to a lack of peace, I was avoiding the possibility of coming across anything to do with the ex. I guess because I didn't know what would happen, or not happen. I've been muddled in a path of uncertainty. Why in the world would I give something/someone so much power and why go through the energy to avoid?
Lesson Learned: I am completely capable of granting my own peace. I'll stop the avoidance now, because at this point I have plans for my future that require my attention.
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