BK's finest and harlem transplant Dani posed an interesting question in her Clutch mag article yesterday. She asked, "What did you wish your father had told you about love?" My answer popped in my mind instantly. I wish my dad had said that he was in it. Love that is.
When I was younger, my dad talked about how he and my mom met. I've heard him say that he loved my mom. I've never heard him say that he was in love.
The vulnerability that comes with being love is something that I wish I had seen from him as I grew into my own adulthood. The fact that you can feel something that encompasses you fully and orders your thoughts and actions is something that I think we all comprehend...at least conceptually.
How many of us can talk about seeing that in older love.
Thankfully, I can experience that watching my grandfather, but it would have been great to have experienced that from my father.
I hope that the man that I marry doesn't completely lose that feeling of being "in love." More importantly, I hope that if we have kids, they know what its like to hear their father talk about being "in love" firsthand.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Riddle Me This...
Picture This:
A rice cake in the toaster oven with one slice of cheese on top of it.
On the counter, there is a whole cucumber, a package of cherry tomatoes, and a tin of tuna fish.
I glanced at the scene trying to figure out if it was a puzzle of some sort. Then my co-worker bustles into the pantry, checks the timer, and heads back to his desk.
Umm...What is he making for lunch?
According to my libra chatmate, he's making a sandwich....I really think he's just getting ready for an iron chef audition.
A rice cake in the toaster oven with one slice of cheese on top of it.
On the counter, there is a whole cucumber, a package of cherry tomatoes, and a tin of tuna fish.
I glanced at the scene trying to figure out if it was a puzzle of some sort. Then my co-worker bustles into the pantry, checks the timer, and heads back to his desk.
Umm...What is he making for lunch?
According to my libra chatmate, he's making a sandwich....I really think he's just getting ready for an iron chef audition.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Thoughts
1. I am convinced my neighbor faces our adjoining wall, with her phone to her ear, and has all of her conversations. I can hear her breathe, I promise.
2. After 20 months of dating (and a plan to live together) I realized, in passing, that I've been using the wrong zip code for LC's place. I've been using the zip code for my undergrad dorm and NOT the one he gave me when we first started dating. I found out I had wrong zip code AFTER i ordered mailing labels for him. The funny thing is I can't remember ever using the right one.
3. The air at work is super tense. I think our parent company has put some ultimatums out there about business and the executives are scramble to execute it. Its the nature of our business, but the first time I'm actually in the corporate office as its happening.
4. This is my serious job hunt question...should I be using my soon-to-be DC address when applying for jobs? I want to be as forthright as possible, but I'm getting the feeling that companies are not comfortable with the prospect of a relocation.
5. Speaking of jobs...the company that I have not worked for in over a year still owes me back payment. I'll finally take LC's advice and get serious about rectifying that, I didn't want to burn that bridge, but I need to get this taken care of post haste.
6. My passport expires in May. Sigh. Ok...here's the thing. I'm in a serious relationship. Am I engaged? No. Are we working toward that? Absolutely.
Renewing my passport right now, when my last name could change in a few years just offends my cheapness. Why can't I file for a year or 2 extension?
7. Speaking of filing. I went to TaxAct to start my filing process and apparently I can't file my state taxes for free. I'm from FL where state tax lore is something passed down from generation to generation in hushed tones. Last year, because my filing was complicated I let H&R block handle my taxes. It saved me my sanity but cost waaaay more than I want to spend. This year, things are more simplified and I just want to do it myself.
8. LC gave me this gem during the NFL playoff game. I asked him if he wanted me to call him after the game. He said, "no you don't have to....I may zone out, but just keep talking."
.....
..
.
*Blank Stare*
2. After 20 months of dating (and a plan to live together) I realized, in passing, that I've been using the wrong zip code for LC's place. I've been using the zip code for my undergrad dorm and NOT the one he gave me when we first started dating. I found out I had wrong zip code AFTER i ordered mailing labels for him. The funny thing is I can't remember ever using the right one.
3. The air at work is super tense. I think our parent company has put some ultimatums out there about business and the executives are scramble to execute it. Its the nature of our business, but the first time I'm actually in the corporate office as its happening.
4. This is my serious job hunt question...should I be using my soon-to-be DC address when applying for jobs? I want to be as forthright as possible, but I'm getting the feeling that companies are not comfortable with the prospect of a relocation.
5. Speaking of jobs...the company that I have not worked for in over a year still owes me back payment. I'll finally take LC's advice and get serious about rectifying that, I didn't want to burn that bridge, but I need to get this taken care of post haste.
6. My passport expires in May. Sigh. Ok...here's the thing. I'm in a serious relationship. Am I engaged? No. Are we working toward that? Absolutely.
Renewing my passport right now, when my last name could change in a few years just offends my cheapness. Why can't I file for a year or 2 extension?
7. Speaking of filing. I went to TaxAct to start my filing process and apparently I can't file my state taxes for free. I'm from FL where state tax lore is something passed down from generation to generation in hushed tones. Last year, because my filing was complicated I let H&R block handle my taxes. It saved me my sanity but cost waaaay more than I want to spend. This year, things are more simplified and I just want to do it myself.
8. LC gave me this gem during the NFL playoff game. I asked him if he wanted me to call him after the game. He said, "no you don't have to....I may zone out, but just keep talking."
.....
..
.
*Blank Stare*
Mergers and Acquisitions
I'm not a good friend merger. I've never had the finesse to seamlessly bring different groups of people together. I'm even worse when it comes to combining friends and the significant other.
Am I over thinking it all? Probably.
The reality is however that its never gone well.
For instance my friends and I have a standing "get there and you have somewhere to stay" routine. We've perched on couches, blow-up mattresses, etc.
However, the other half has a standing get a hotel room and be comfortable routine.
Yes we're older, but geesh that totally changes my budgeting. LOL.
That's an in jest example, but I suppose the bigger subject is that relationships do have an affect on friendships. Navigating them both can be difficult.
I'm trying to figure that all out.
Am I over thinking it all? Probably.
The reality is however that its never gone well.
For instance my friends and I have a standing "get there and you have somewhere to stay" routine. We've perched on couches, blow-up mattresses, etc.
However, the other half has a standing get a hotel room and be comfortable routine.
Yes we're older, but geesh that totally changes my budgeting. LOL.
That's an in jest example, but I suppose the bigger subject is that relationships do have an affect on friendships. Navigating them both can be difficult.
I'm trying to figure that all out.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Future
We talk about or future more than we talk about the present. I guess its a way to over compensate for the fact that there are more questions than answers in our "present."
I guess I just worry that we'll miss something in the "right now" because we're filling our time and space with the future.
I've officially been here now over a year and a half. Time has flown by and I still love it here.
I hate that I can't afford to do more...and I also hate that I've spent so much of my time here looking for a job elsewhere. Those two points only slightly relate to each other.
A year ago, I was job hunting with a plan to relocate. I didn't find anything by the summer, so I renewed my lease. I'm job hunting again and as usual I'm concerned about the "What ifs?"
So we talk about the future. Because not having an answer to the "Do we sign up for another year of this long distance relationship, if a job offer doesn't come through" question sucks the life of every conversation.
So we talk about the future. What home repairs need to be done to facilitate the move. What type of home we'd like to work toward.
I just wonder what happens when we get to the future.
I guess I just worry that we'll miss something in the "right now" because we're filling our time and space with the future.
I've officially been here now over a year and a half. Time has flown by and I still love it here.
I hate that I can't afford to do more...and I also hate that I've spent so much of my time here looking for a job elsewhere. Those two points only slightly relate to each other.
A year ago, I was job hunting with a plan to relocate. I didn't find anything by the summer, so I renewed my lease. I'm job hunting again and as usual I'm concerned about the "What ifs?"
So we talk about the future. Because not having an answer to the "Do we sign up for another year of this long distance relationship, if a job offer doesn't come through" question sucks the life of every conversation.
So we talk about the future. What home repairs need to be done to facilitate the move. What type of home we'd like to work toward.
I just wonder what happens when we get to the future.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Awkward Moments
1. The co-worker that I absolutely adore asked me if I was set to have a "sparkly Christmas" then she winked. Considering that this is the same co-worker that asked me if LC had packed his birthday suit for my birthday weekend, I wasn't completely shocked. However, I'm glad that he and I have discussed an engagement and I wasn't sitting on the edge, because the implication alone might have pushed me over. Sidenote: a Christmas proposal would mean that anything on the Christmas wish list would have to roll-over to Vday or my Bday....that does not sound like "winning" to me.
2. I don't even know if my tights are control top...I could just have that much mid-section. Either way, I'm sitting at my desk and I realized that on my last potty trip, I did not apply myself properly and the top of my tights are far lower than they should be. I tried to adjust the top and lost my grip a bit. It was the snap heard around the world. If I had been in church everyone would have assumed a child got a pop with a belt (sigh).
3. I woke up this morning with my glasses beneath me. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror and turned my head to the side to adjust my view that I realized my head wasn't crooked it was my frames. I went to Lenscrafters today to get them fixed and when I placed them on the counter the nice woman glanced at them, then glanced back at me, and finally said "I'm going to need to apply a fair amount of pressure to fix these, this is just a disclaimer that anything can happen to them." This is the fourth time I've gotten my glasses adjusted, never had I gotten a disclaimer before now. Oh yea....and I'm pretty sure my back imprint was on one of the lenses. I shouldve cleaned it before taking them in.
4. I decided to munch on some Kashi during my meeting today. I accidently grabbed a cluster without looking and tried to bite down on it and failed. I refused to make eye contact with my boss who was facing me and saw my defeat. I just took a fireball approach to the Kashi cluster and gave up on chewing (sigh).
5. Following the Kashi debacle I found myself needing to sneeze and cough. What followed was almost a grumble or some sort of animalistic mating call.
6. While waiting for my coffee to brew I inhaled 48 fl oz of water...then had my coffee...then another 16 fl oz of water. I was Tom Hanks in the scene below...and the autoflush tried to Sandman me....
2. I don't even know if my tights are control top...I could just have that much mid-section. Either way, I'm sitting at my desk and I realized that on my last potty trip, I did not apply myself properly and the top of my tights are far lower than they should be. I tried to adjust the top and lost my grip a bit. It was the snap heard around the world. If I had been in church everyone would have assumed a child got a pop with a belt (sigh).
3. I woke up this morning with my glasses beneath me. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror and turned my head to the side to adjust my view that I realized my head wasn't crooked it was my frames. I went to Lenscrafters today to get them fixed and when I placed them on the counter the nice woman glanced at them, then glanced back at me, and finally said "I'm going to need to apply a fair amount of pressure to fix these, this is just a disclaimer that anything can happen to them." This is the fourth time I've gotten my glasses adjusted, never had I gotten a disclaimer before now. Oh yea....and I'm pretty sure my back imprint was on one of the lenses. I shouldve cleaned it before taking them in.
4. I decided to munch on some Kashi during my meeting today. I accidently grabbed a cluster without looking and tried to bite down on it and failed. I refused to make eye contact with my boss who was facing me and saw my defeat. I just took a fireball approach to the Kashi cluster and gave up on chewing (sigh).
5. Following the Kashi debacle I found myself needing to sneeze and cough. What followed was almost a grumble or some sort of animalistic mating call.
6. While waiting for my coffee to brew I inhaled 48 fl oz of water...then had my coffee...then another 16 fl oz of water. I was Tom Hanks in the scene below...and the autoflush tried to Sandman me....
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Weight
I don't like admitting that I'm scared...about anything. For instance, I don't mess with the dark, but who wants to admit that after nearly three decades on this earth the absence of light is not casually alarming, but it is enough to yield a quickened heart rate and the need to go to a zen mind space.
The dark is not why, after nearly 30 days, I've popped back up to share some Dani-babble. The light is now becoming my problem. I've gotten a lot of "why aren't you blogging" questions and while my standard answer of "i've got nothing to say" isn't a lie, it certainly isn't the complete truth.
I've got nothing going on that I'm not too scared to talk about. Already, I hate this post.
Here we go...
I'm sitting on a bus halfway through my bi-monthly pilgrimage to DC and watching The West Wing.
The scene that I just paused involved an accomplished woman, who could not accomplish being a successful mate. She was arguing with the man in her life, who agreed that while she was horrible at relationships, he knew that with time and work they would be fine.
While I'm doing nothing to capture the emotion of the moment in this watered-down summation of the scene, I felt enough to pause it and start typing.
The weight of having a good thing and facing complete darkness about how to make it work is what occupies more time than I wish to admit. It's what scares me, its what has made sleeping a game of roulette and I'm starting to lose more times than win.
I've felt the "this could be it" moment in a relationship before. I've felt it, talked about, silently planned what the "it" meant. I knew ten years ago that I was in a special relationship, five years ago I knew I was altar bound, three years ago I thought I had a clear (albeit unexpected) picture of what love and dani meant.
The altar? I don't even have the phone number of both of those exes.
Being wrong and oversharing about the relationships that went to hell, has made the one in front of me something I'm more cautious about. But now the weight of what is going on is pushing me to the edge of a cliff.
We're at the point where just living on the same coast isn't going to work. We're at the point where I have designated hours in the week, just to apply for jobs, We're at the point where we both want more and we want it with each other.
I love LC and even that is a disgusting understatement. But truth be told, I love my city, job, apartment, and life. I don't want to lose myself. I'm terrified about being wrong. Again.
I'm a woman looking at a great thing and making a choice to go for it (and praying that in five years I don't look back and realize I once again mistook marriage for an altar call). I'm just struggling to admit how something that makes me so happy, can scare me so much. LC is constantly reassuring me that things will happen they way they are supposed to and I know he's right. I just want this to be right....I just want to be the accomplished woman and a successful mate.
The dark is not why, after nearly 30 days, I've popped back up to share some Dani-babble. The light is now becoming my problem. I've gotten a lot of "why aren't you blogging" questions and while my standard answer of "i've got nothing to say" isn't a lie, it certainly isn't the complete truth.
I've got nothing going on that I'm not too scared to talk about. Already, I hate this post.
Here we go...
I'm sitting on a bus halfway through my bi-monthly pilgrimage to DC and watching The West Wing.
The scene that I just paused involved an accomplished woman, who could not accomplish being a successful mate. She was arguing with the man in her life, who agreed that while she was horrible at relationships, he knew that with time and work they would be fine.
While I'm doing nothing to capture the emotion of the moment in this watered-down summation of the scene, I felt enough to pause it and start typing.
The weight of having a good thing and facing complete darkness about how to make it work is what occupies more time than I wish to admit. It's what scares me, its what has made sleeping a game of roulette and I'm starting to lose more times than win.
I've felt the "this could be it" moment in a relationship before. I've felt it, talked about, silently planned what the "it" meant. I knew ten years ago that I was in a special relationship, five years ago I knew I was altar bound, three years ago I thought I had a clear (albeit unexpected) picture of what love and dani meant.
The altar? I don't even have the phone number of both of those exes.
Being wrong and oversharing about the relationships that went to hell, has made the one in front of me something I'm more cautious about. But now the weight of what is going on is pushing me to the edge of a cliff.
We're at the point where just living on the same coast isn't going to work. We're at the point where I have designated hours in the week, just to apply for jobs, We're at the point where we both want more and we want it with each other.
I love LC and even that is a disgusting understatement. But truth be told, I love my city, job, apartment, and life. I don't want to lose myself. I'm terrified about being wrong. Again.
I'm a woman looking at a great thing and making a choice to go for it (and praying that in five years I don't look back and realize I once again mistook marriage for an altar call). I'm just struggling to admit how something that makes me so happy, can scare me so much. LC is constantly reassuring me that things will happen they way they are supposed to and I know he's right. I just want this to be right....I just want to be the accomplished woman and a successful mate.
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